ADDRESSING
THE FOLLOWERS
THE DAY AFTER MY
END-OF-THE-WORLD
PROPHECY FAILED
TO COME TRUE.
- - - -
First, let me say I'm pleased that so many of you have chosen to remain on the compound after the setback we were dealt yesterday. I like to think it's more than just being stripped of your worldly possessions that keeps you all here. And though I had hoped to be addressing you from the right hand of God following our collective ascension into his kingdom, I instead find myself on this makeshift podium constructed by our very own Mim and Pur. Thanks for the quick work this morning, guys. Let's have a hand for Mim and Pur, everyone.
It might appear that our entire body of work over the past eight years—from the abandonment of all social ties outside our family to the long days of backbreaking manual labor—has somehow been nullified because the rapture I predicted failed to arrive. I suggest that this view is both narrow and counterproductive. Worse, it fails to credit us for all that's been accomplished. Look how far we've come. What began as a ragtag team of sinners who didn't know Judas from Elijah has become a finely tuned piece of soul-saving machinery.
I look out on all of you and can't help but spot Liy. Sweet, sweet Liy. I'm sure you remember when Liy first joined us. She was completely deficient in the execution of the most rudimentary domestic chores. And she was a virgin. After only a few short months under my tutelage, she grew and matured in ways that not even I, your savior, could have foreseen.
And Jaf over there. Yes, I'm looking at you, friend. Who surprised everyone by leaving his successful but evil accounting practice to become the best pastry chef this compound has ever witnessed? Who tirelessly baked tray after tray of mouthwatering maple bars without benefit of an electric mixer—a Satan-inspired creation if ever there was one? That's right, Jaf. You did.
I've undergone some profound changes as well. For one, my beard has finally achieved the full, lush look that befits a reincarnation of Jesus. With copious free time at my disposal, I finished my first novel, which is generating serious buzz in the right publishing circles. Keep your fingers crossed. But most precious are the personal relationships I've cultivated with each one of you, particularly Liy. It's those special moments we share that make the hard work and shared sacrifice worth it. And, in the end, I believe it's these bonds, and not the sublimation of your personal identities, that will see us through these tough times.
You'll be pleased to know that after spending last night meditating on my religious texts a great truth revealed itself to me in the form of a rounding error. It is this error that bears sole responsibility for the erroneous date to which we had been looking. And although a new Judgment Day target has not yet materialized, something tells me we will not have long to wait to receive our heavenly reward.
I am now retiring to my casita, Liy at my side, to unravel this most complex of spiritual mysteries. You will be the first to know when I meet with success. In the meantime, I appreciate your continued support and urge everyone to go about your normal daily routine. That new messianic rec center isn't going to build itself. And, Jaf, go ahead and throw another tray of maple bars into the solar-powered oven, won't ya?
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Addressing the Followers the Day After My End-of-the-World Prophecy Failed to Come True By Brian Dunn
I've Cooked You a Recession-Friendly Valentine's Dinner By Christopher Mah
Ways Charles Darwin Could Jump the Shark By David Ng
"Adeus, Lisboa": Philip Graham's Final Dispatch From Lisbon By Philip Graham
Personnel Policies for Our Household By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
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