SUGGESTED SCENARIOS
FOR HOWIE MANDEL'S
HOWIE DO IT.
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The contestant is offered an appointment to the vacant Senate seat for the state of Illinois in exchange for a "favor." The contestant accepts, but is barred from taking his seat by the Secretary of the Senate under orders from Majority Leader Harry Reid. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich then calls a press conference, ostensibly to drum up popular support for the contestant's legal claim to the senatorship. However, as the contestant reads the catch phrase, "This is Howie Do It," from the teleprompter, Blagojevich removes his wig to reveal that he is, in fact, Howie Mandel.
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The contestant finds him- or herself embroiled in a plot by fellow National Socialist Party members to assassinate Adolf Hitler. The plot is spearheaded by Tom Cruise. As the plan begins to unravel, Cruise lures the contestant into an argument over the best way to proceed. When the contestant finally utters the catch phrase, "This is Howie Do It," Tom Cruise removes his eye patch and wig to reveal that he is, in fact, Howie Mandel.
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The contestant is in Dallas on November 22, 1963, and is asked to take a free ride in a convertible. When, in reference to Marilyn Monroe, the contestant inadvertently says the catch phrase, "This is Howie Do It," Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him in the head from a nearby building. A couple of days later, Oswald is mortally wounded on live television, at which point Jackie Kennedy removes her pillbox hat to reveal that she is, in fact, Howie Mandel. Years later, Oliver Stone makes a film about the incident.
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The contestant is nominated as the Republican Party's presidential candidate in an upcoming election. The contestant remains closely engaged with the competitors in national polls for many months. The Republican Party then forces the contestant to accept Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin quickly proves incompetent, publicly embarrassing the contestant and ruining the aging contestant's last opportunity to win the country's highest office. During the contestant's heartfelt concession speech, Palin makes snide faces into the camera. Then, when the contestant reads the catch phrase, "This is Howie Do It," from the prepared speech, Sarah Palin removes her glasses and her publicly funded skirt suit to reveal that she is, in fact, Howie Mandel.
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The contestant is Karl Marx. His economic concepts are fought over so vehemently that, for several generations, even the mention of the contestant's name constitutes treason. Then, after all of the contestant's warnings about the unsustainability of unregulated capitalism have gone unheeded for more than a century, all his dire predictions come true. As the world's financial markets crumble, the contestant returns as a ghost and says, "I told you, this is Howie Should Have Done It," at which point Alan Greenspan removes his wig to reveal that he is, in fact, Howie Mandel.
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The contestant is a tax collector in Jerusalem and it was in the time of the Romans that appeared unto him the Son of the most high God, and the contestant worshipped him. And a paid actor who posed as yet another contestant betrayed the Son of God. Then the Son of God was put to death and laid in a sepulcher, which was hewn from the mountainside. On the third day, the contestant went and saw that the stone was rolled away and that the sepulcher was empty, and the contestant trembled and was amazed. In his amazement, the contestant spake the catch phrase, "Howie Doth Do That?," and the Son of God appeared unto him and removed his wig to reveal that he was, in fact, Howie Mandel.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Suggested Scenarios for Howie Mandel's Howie Do It By Benjamin Kumming
Commentary by David Simon, Creator of The Wire, for the He's Just Not That Into You DVD By Maureen Miller
Addressing the Followers the Day After My End-of-the-World Prophecy Failed to Come True By Brian Dunn
I've Cooked You a Recession-Friendly Valentine's Dinner By Christopher Mah
Ways Charles Darwin Could Jump the Shark By David Ng
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