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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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ROOMBA FAQ.BY DAN MOREAU- - - - How does Roomba work? The Roomba uses an award-winning patented technology to clean your home without your ever having to lift a finger. Does Roomba work equally well on carpets and hardwood floors? Absolutely! Roomba is a versatile autonomous cleaning device that will always be there for you, unlike your husband, who says he isn't in the mood, even though you haven't had sex in six months. How do children and pets react to Roomba? In general, children and pets react positively to Roomba. In some rare cases, however, Roombas have been known to kill those they view as threats to their continued survival. If you notice your Roomba acting aggressively toward your pet or child, simply return the Roomba to your place of purchase for a full refund. What do I do if my Roomba stops working? Check to see if the battery is fully charged or if an obstruction is blocking the suction site. If that doesn't fix the problem, your Roomba may be feeling down and may need some encouragement. Phrases such as "You're doing a great job," "You're a valued member of this household," and "We appreciate your hard work" are effective. What do I do if my Roomba starts drawing pentagrams in the carpet, vomiting, and climbing up the walls? Your Roomba may or may not be possessed. Consult your local priest. If your priest can't fix the problem, return your Roomba for a full refund. What do I do if my Roomba starts TiVoing his favorite shows? Celebrate. Roomba has become a full-fledged member of your family. What do I tell my husband if my Roomba and I have become romantically involved and I want a divorce? Tell him you've met someone else, someone who understands and appreciates you and doesn't take you for granted and is willing to sit through a Kate Hudson movie with you, not because he has to but because he loves you. How do I introduce my Roomba to my parents? Make sure your parents are sitting down. Tell them you know this sounds unusual, but Roomba, despite what they think, is a really special robot and gets along great with the kids. If your father starts saying, "No daughter of mine is going to ...," tell him he's being a narrow-minded technophobe. What happens when I leave my Roomba home alone? Roomba may or may not go through your things, sample your perfume, and call your ex-husband, pretending to be you. What do I do if I get a higher than usual monthly cable bill with several adult pay-per-view titles charged to my account? Calmly ask Roomba if you can have a word with it. Tell it you understand it's curious—it's only natural—but that the pay-per-views have to stop. How can I tell if my Roomba is depressed? Excessively long charging periods. Vacuuming the same spot over and over. Not moving. What do I do if I come home and find two Roombas on my sofa, even though I told Roomba no guests after 10? Relax. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Roomba FAQ By Dan MoreauSuggested Scenarios for Howie Mandel's Howie Do It By Benjamin Kumming Commentary by David Simon, Creator of The Wire, for the He's Just Not That Into You DVD By Maureen Miller Addressing the Followers the Day After My End-of-the-World Prophecy Failed to Come True By Brian Dunn I've Cooked You a Recession-Friendly Valentine's Dinner By Christopher Mah |
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