TRULY GROUNDBREAKING
MARKETING RESEARCH:
UNDERSTANDING
TWITTER.
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I.
Core Competency and Foundation
Twitter seems to be, first and foremost, an online haven where teenagers making drugs can telegraph secret code words to arrange gang fights and orgies. It also functions as a vehicle for teasing peers until they commit suicide. In order to become a "follower" on Twitter, teens first must flash their high-beam headlights at an oncoming motorist on the highway. Then, if that motorist flashes his or her high-beam headlights back in reply, the teen must kill the motorist in order to be initiated into "following" the online gang. The catch is that one can only use 140 sentences to plan a total of 140 events—that is, any combination of orgies, gang fights, suicides, and highway killings totaling 140 planned situations or activities.
Makeup artists working in television and film also like to use Twitter to keep in touch with each other and with current productions.
Twitter is electric/computerized and available at all times, except when sexual misconduct and murder are "over capacity." During these times, teen drug makers see a picture of a dead whale alerting them to bad energy.
II.
Monetizing Twitter's Model
Focus groups have shown, as recently as the late 1980s, that if computer users want something, they'll force entry into a home or business and take it. Given this, how does one go about finding a stream of revenue in a model like Twitter's? Simple: Twitter founders Bob Timpei and El Segundo (not their real names) have begun working in earnest with Germans—the pioneers of cipher code and doublespeak.
III.
The Language of Twitter
When replying, sex addicts and teen drug manufacturers need simply type the "@" sign into Twitter and then speak normally. So a reply in the affirmative would look something like (typing) @ (speaking) "Yes, I'm willing to kill a motorist if you can guarantee my initiation. And, yes, I would like to meet a distributor of the key ingredients needed to manufacture the drug phencyclidine." Remember, you only get 140 sentences over lifetime usage; that's the fun of it compared to normal speaking or online correspondence.
IV.
Popular Terms and Punctuation
third
%
light-emitting diode (or LED)
convoy
tag
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Dan Kennedy's
Other Features.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Truly Groundbreaking Marketing Research: Understanding Twitter By Dan Kennedy
Executives-Only Version of Recent AIG Security Memorandum By Eric Feezell
I Am Not on a Roll By Ellie Kemper
Chip Tusken: Road-Sign Writer By Kenny Byerly
Cover Stories From the Most-Requested Back Issues of The American Prognosticator (1853–1987) By Curtis Edmonds and Ryan Garcia
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