A DAY IN THE LIFE
OF A SUPPLY-SIDE
ECONOMIST.
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3:05 p.m.
Meets a blind date
at a coffee shop
FRANCINE: Hi, you must be Arthur. I'm Francine.
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: TAX CUTS.
FRANCINE: I'm sorry?
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: TAX CUTS.
FRANCINE: (Nervous.) It's—it's nice to meet you.
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: TAX CUTS.
(Silence.)
FRANCINE: I have to go now.
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: TAX CUTS.
4:16 p.m.
Edits the Wikipedia entry
for Ronald Reagan
"As president, Ronald Reagan was known for his bold political initiatives, charismatic rhetoric, steadfast opposition to communism, dreamy blue eyes, finely sculpted pectorals, tender yet masculine buttocks, gorgeous pelvic organs that throbbed with Zeus-like potency ..."
4:25 p.m.
Edits the Wikipedia entry
for John Maynard Keynes
"John Maynard Keynes was born in PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS."
8:47 p.m.
Attempts standup comedy
at a local open-mike night
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: First, they increase the systemic risk regulation of banks, insurance firms, and broker-dealers. Then they expand Big Government by increasing the transparency of financial instruments and magnifying the Federal Reserve's oversight of major hedge funds. And, as a finale, they tighten the federal standards for mortgage lending and require executive compensation to be contingent on corporate performance. And the agent says, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
(Everybody boos.)
10:10 p.m.
Solicits a prostitute
PIMP: That'll be $200.
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: Here you go.
(He hands him a scrap of gold.)
PIMP: The hell? I want cash, motherfucker.
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: But fiat paper currency is highly susceptible to inflation.
PIMP: I want cash.
SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMIST: (Chuckling.) Sounds like somebody needs a lesson in the Constitution.
(PIMP clocks him with his cane.)
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Day in the Life of a Supply-Side Economist By Samuel K.
Classic Nursery Rhymes, Updated and Revamped for the Recession, as Told to Me by My Father By Jen Statsky
Corporate Folktales: An E-mail to God By Grant Munroe
Four Cups By James Sturz
Meth-Lab Feng Shui By Colin Nissan
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