MY READING-
TOUR RIDER.
- - - -
I.
ACCOMMODATIONS
REQUIREMENTS
Bookstore agrees to provide and maintain three (3) backstage preparation rooms. They shall be comfortable, well lit, and entirely free of books other than the Author's books. Rooms must be climate-controlled to dry heat so that the Author's reading voice (which will henceforth be referred to as his "instrument") does not get scratchy or phlegmy. Employees of the Bookstore must never use the word "phlegmy" in the presence of the Author, as it may make him vomit, which would damage his instrument. The same goes for the word "vomit."
The first preparation room (Prep Room A), intended for use by the Author, must have high-speed wireless Internet and a flat-screen television of no less than 40 inches diagonal; programming must include basic cable and premium channels including but not limited to HBO, ESPN, and Fresh! (formerly Spice). Prep Room A must be connected to lavatories that are as clean as or cleaner than the lavatories in the Author's home (see attached photograph). Prep Room A lavatories must contain paper towels (floral patterns only), soap (lavender or Caudalíe's Fleur de Vigne), and toilet paper (extra rough, for reasons that the Author shall not be asked to elaborate upon by any employee of the Bookstore). There must be both a toilet and a urinal. There must also be a floor-to-ceiling mirror with a slightly slimming effect, though not so much that it is obvious, as that would make Author mentally correct for the slimming effect and render it, in a word, ineffective. The lavatories are for the exclusive use of the Author.
The second preparation room (Prep Room B), intended for use by the Author's support staff, must be large enough to accommodate at least 12 other persons: female adults, to be specific, of a variety of heights, weights, and body types. Prep Room B should have high-speed wireless Internet and a flat-screen television of no less than 36 inches diagonal with basic cable. Prep Room B should be connected to a separate lavatory, which need not have a urinal, as it will be used only by those in Prep Room B, all of whom are women. This room should be kept 10 degrees colder than Prep Room A.
The third preparation room (Prep Room C) is intended for the use of the Author's friends and family, excluding that special class of friends previously designated for Prep Room B as described above. Prep Room C should have a color television of any size and can also have Internet access, if Bookstore feels like it. Dial-up's fine. This room need not be attached to a dedicated lavatory; Prep Room C types can use the regular restroom in the store.
II.
FOOD REQUIREMENTS
Prep Room A
1. Cold Drinks, on ice
—One (1) case Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (12-oz. cans)
—Seven (7) six-packs of Red Stripe beer
—One (1) case Pepsi
—One (1) case Diet Pepsi
—One (1) case Fresca
—Two (2) cases Diet Dr. Pepper
—Ten (10) large bottles of Gatorade, fruit-punch flavor
2. Drinks, room temperature
—Four (4) cases spring water
—Four (4) bottles Ketel One vodka
3. Deli Tray
—Cold-cut platter that includes but is not restricted to roast beef, turkey, and ham
—Vegetable platter including but not restricted to carrots, celery, and cauliflower
—Cheese platter restricted to cheddar and American
—Cracker platter restricted to Triscuits
—A selection of cookies that includes but is not restricted to chocolate chip (ordinary dough, chocolate chips), chocolate chocolate chip (chocolate dough, chocolate chips), white chocolate chip (chocolate dough, chocolate chips), and "Peanut Butter Pornography" cookies (peanut-butter dough, caramel chips, and chocolate drizzled over the top)
Prep Room B
Prep Room B should include only diet soda and vegetables. If those in Prep Room B wish to have any additional food or drink, they can get it by visiting the Author in Prep Room A, though not before calling ahead to ensure that the Author is not busy providing "additional food or drink" to anyone else. Alcohol should not be served in Prep Room B, though the female friends of the Author assembling in Prep Room B are all over 18 years of age. To repeat: They are all older than 18.
Prep Room C
—Three (3) cases Pepsi
—Three (3) cases Diet Pepsi
—Two (2) boxes of doughnuts, any brand
—Two (2) boxes of cookies, any kind
—One (1) menu for local pizza delivery
None of the food intended for Prep Room A as described above will be permitted into Prep Room C.
III.
STAFF REQUIREMENTS
Thirty (30) minutes prior to reading, Bookstore must furnish an assistant, female, between the ages of 19 and 23, who is thought of by more than 75 percent of her friends, both male and female, as "hot," to visit Prep Room A and help prepare the Author's instrument for the reading. This preparation will include but is not limited to listening to a dry run of the reading and performing deep-tissue massage. Again, Bookstore should call ahead to ensure that the Author is not otherwise occupied with either the preparation of his instrument or any other matter.
All terms of the Contract are specifically accepted by Bookstore unless they are waived, and any such waiving shall be effective only if initiated by both Bookstore and Author.
Agreed and Accepted
________ (Bookstore)
________ (Author)
- - - -
Ben Greenman will be touring the country in support of his new book, Please Step Back. His tour schedule can be found here.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
My Reading-Tour Rider By Ben Greenman
Manifest Destiny Wagon Pool By Jimmy Chen
Stigmata and You By Dustin Christensen
Internet-Age Writing Syllabus and Course Overview By Robert Lanham
Characters From Hamlet Comment on the Fish Odor Coming From the Office Microwave By Julia McCloy and Travis Tyler
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
