WORD PROBLEMS
FOR THE NEW ECONOMIC
LANDSCAPE.
- - - -
Rhonda cleans houses eight hours each day Monday through Friday without a lunch break. Randi, who also cleans houses, has recently seen a decrease in her work opportunities. She believes Rhonda, who really has a mouth on her, is responsible for this decrease. If Rhonda worked 40 hours each week for two weeks, how many eight-hour days could Randi have worked if she clocked 27 hours in two weeks? Rhonda and Randi were friends until recently. Assume a workweek is Monday through Friday.
- - - -
Rhonda spends four hours on Monday bad-mouthing Randi's housecleaning services to Randi's pre-existing clients. Later that day, Robby, Randi's brother, whom Randi hasn't spoken to in eight years, invites Rhonda over to his place. He lives with his Aunt Rachel in her trailer. Rhonda owes Randi money for drugs purchased several months ago. Randi lip-synchs to a Taylor Swift song while staring at herself in the reflection of her kitchen window. She lives with her parents in their trailer, which is across the road from Aunt Rachel and Robby. While mouthing the lyrics to "Fifteen," Randi sees Robby greet Rhonda. How long will it take for Randi to exact revenge on Rhonda and Robby? Keep in mind that before she does so she'll spend 23 minutes eating a ham-and-mayonnaise sandwich and 17 minutes watching Dancing With the Stars.
- - - -
Randi vandalizes Rhonda's truck, which was parked illegally in front of Aunt Rachel's trailer, by dumping two garbage cans full of Thanksgiving refuse into her front seat. Assume Randi is pleased with herself, and that Rhonda is sad and defeated. Rhonda hops on Aunt Rachel's golf cart and drives off into the woods. Robby stays behind to clean out the truck, because even though he's a drunk he's still a nice guy. What percentage of the garbage cans Randi used contained empty packs of Marlboro100s and empty cans of caffeinated malt liquor?
- - - -
Randi sends Rhonda threatening e-mails from her parents' computer, which was a gift given to them by Robby, who stole it from the pizza shop where he used to work. Rhonda e-mails Randi back and tells her to stop harassing her or she'll call the police. Randi doesn't believe her, but to be safe she removes the hard drive from the computer and hides it in the turkey fryer. She does not realize that e-mails are stored on the Internet. Robby and Randi are both in their early 40s, but they both look 10 years older than they actually are. They don't speak because Robby refused to pay Randi back for drugs she purchased for him over eight years ago. How old did Randi and Robby look when they stopped speaking to each other? Assume Randi has worn the same pair of pleather pants for seven years.
- - - -
Aunt Rachel dies, some say from stress, some say from heartache. She leaves a third of her assets to Randi, another third to Robby, and, to everyone's surprise, a third to Rhonda. Rhonda is confused. Robby is confused. Randi is confused and ripshit. Aunt Rachel's only assets were her mobile home and its contents. The lot and trailer were worth $110,000 before the recession, which has since reduced the value of the lot and trailer by 15 percent. Assuming the trailer is sold, what portion, in dollars, of the value of the trailer will Rhonda receive?
- - - -
After the funeral, Robby asks Randi for a truce. He just wants to be able to say hello and have civil dinners with the family. He says life is too short. But Randi is stubborn and still ripshit and refuses to give in. Robby spends the night lying awake in bed. Randi also has trouble sleeping. As does Rhonda, who isn't sure she can pay the taxes on the inheritance she has received from Aunt Rachel. They are all worried. They all wish they were close to somebody. They all wish they had something to look forward to. Assume Randi's parents fry a turkey the next night to celebrate finding a winning scratch ticket worth $25 by the cigarette stand outside the A&P. How long before they realize they're also frying their computer's hard drive?
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Word Problems for the New Economic Landscape By Natalie Edwards
A 419 New Yorker E-mail Scam By Rupinder Gill
A Performance Review From My Boss, the Inebriate By Kent Woodyard and Joel Bobbett
My Reading-Tour Rider By Ben Greenman
Manifest Destiny Wagon Pool By Jimmy Chen
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.