HOT NEW STYLES
IN FACE MASKS.
BY WALTER CARSON
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The Standard
A timeless classic: straightforward, refined, bluish-green. Comes with its familiar rubber band straps that leave marks on your cheeks long after wearing. The Standard tells the world, "I care about my body. Don't touch me. Please go away."
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The Manhattanite
For the sophisticated airborne-disease-paranoia sufferer. Made of soft pleated dual-ply construction. Features a scratch-free protective face shield, greenish-blue pleated ear loops, and an adjustable white gold nosepiece. Ideal for gallery openings, society parties, and viral pandemics.
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The Easy Fit
Lightweight and ultra-wearable, this mask is for people on the go who haven't got time for the confining bulk that other far more fluid-resistant masks bring. Fits a wide range of faces: small, medium, Lou Dobbs. 100% organic. Available in bluish-green or greenish-blue.
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The Hannah Montana
Tweens get the flu too, so don't let your Marissa, Ashley, or Carly go unprotected. What better way to show them you care than with an officially licensed Hannah Montana surgical mask? Infused with the scents of bubble gum and boy sweat. Comes with a do-it-yourself Bedazzler kit.
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The IMPENETRATOR 9000
Those three layers of steel and industrial-strength rubber aren't just there for show. The IMPENETRATOR 9000 seals off your airways from everything: swine flu, bird flu, SARS, oxygen — you name it, The IMPENETRATOR 9000 blocks it. Portable respiratory and head stabilizer accessories highly recommended.
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The Rag
For some this mask may be too hardcore, but if you want protection from airborne viruses and pollutants (albeit very limited protection), while at the same time maintaining a roughneck, proletariat aesthetic, The Rag is for you. Imported from Mumbai. Made from actual street children's pants. The perfect gift for the disaffected teen or Williamsburg hipster in your family.
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The Mexican Wrestler
What it lacks in disease control it more than makes up for in panache and cultural insensitivity. And who cares if it's a little racist? Nobody will know it's you behind that colorful green, blue, and green Mexican wrestler-themed respirator mask — that is at least until the coroner performs your autopsy.
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The iMask
The iMask offers the ultimate in surgical mask technology in a sleek yet simple, teal and aquamarine design. It's a media player, camera phone, web browser, organizer, and personal infectious disease defense system all-in-one. Want to find the nearest Center For Disease Control in your area? The iMask has an app for that. Want to play Sudoku while testing the air particle levels in your current location? There's an app for that. Want to learn the best way to treat a weeping sore while entertaining your friends with fart noises? There's an app for that. The iMask does it all – and for only $99.99 a month.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Hot New Styles In Face Masks By Walter Carson
Respectful Yo Mama Jokes By Lucas Klauss
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Their Head Stuck in a 3,600-Year-Old Sumerian Pot By Ian Wood
My Pitches for Political-Satire Skits Playing on President Obama's Foibles Keep Getting Shot Down By Teddy Wayne
The Tom Tom Club Catechism By Maureen Miller
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