THE BAXTER COUNTY DEATHFEST* HAS
BEEN CANCELED.
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Thank you for visiting SupremeBrutality.net, home of the 2009 Baxter County DeathFest.*
We are very disappointed to report that this year's DeathFest has been canceled, thanks to a host of bands canceling appearances at the last minute. Refunds will be available through Ticketmaster or by calling 1-800-ANIHIL8.
Several artists dropped out after mishaps involving our onsite American Red Cross Bloodmobile. Impaled and Hemorrhage both fell victim to the ineptitude of staff technicians. And the complimentary cookies were but a sad reward for Internal Bleeding and Artery Eruption. Next year, we promise you that the only bloodletting will occur onstage, where it belongs.
More groups called out with a wide range of gastrointestinal maladies, from Amoebic Dysentery and Squash Bowels to Internal Suffering and Putrid Pile. But stay tuned: both Regurgitate and Bile have vowed to make additional appearances soon.
And then there were the bands that simply failed to show up at sound check and did not return our immediate calls. If anyone gets a hold of Fuck...I'm Dead, please have them contact me ASAP. Ditto for Lifend. Six Feet Under have failed to show up to the DeathFest for two years running. Rest assured that they will not be getting a third invitation. That same goes for perennial no-shows Complete Failure.
Happily, several bands were forced to return home due to surprise additions to their families, namely Screaming Afterbirth and Malevolent Creation. Congratulations and mazel tov to the new dads.
We promise to be back next year with a blistering lineup sure to make you soil your pants in abject terror. Total Fucking Destruction and Misery Index have already been confirmed. Can't wait to see you in the pit!
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* This piece was originally titled "The Maryland DeathFest Has Been Canceled." Subsequently we discovered that the Maryland DeathFest is an actual heavy metal music festival held annually in Baltimore, MD. By all accounts the most recent DeathFest, held last May, was an enormous success. We apologize for any inconvenience the original title of this piece caused, and hope that the 2010 Maryland DeathFest will be the most delightful DeathFest yet.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Baxter County DeathFest Has Been Canceled By Drew Fontaine
36 Hours on Tralfamadore By Curtis Edmonds
"Like Cormac McCarthy, But Funny": An Excerpt from Read Hard By Ed Park
God's Resignation Speech By Lucas Kavner
Grant Munroe's Corporate Folk Tales: The Tale of the CTO's Apprentice's Wife By Grant Munroe
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