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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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FLORENTINO ARIZA COPES WITH THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN.BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER- - - - TO: Staff of the River Company of the Caribbean Dear Beloved Employees, As you are all aware, the global economic slump has seeped into our section of the world. Just a year ago, a relaxing trip down our river was considered an annual event for every family in our fair city, akin to seeing the doctor. But it is now viewed as a luxury few can afford. Many of you are worried about your jobs. This internal memo is being written to explain the measures we have taken, as a company, to avoid layoffs. First, I want you all to know the deep affection I feel for this company in every part of my body. I think of all of you as treasured pieces of my heart, and I feel ill knowing that you, my dear subordinates, are worried. I have described on more than one occasion the intense passion I feel for our entire operation. Let me take this opportunity to repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and everlasting love. Such is the devotion of my love that I promise to never say good-bye to any of you in a layoff! However, I will have to say "So long" to all of you for rotating five-day shifts of unpaid leave. With this free time, I recommend that you visit loved ones and express any intense fervor of earthly desire you feel for them. Second, we are embarking on a new marketing campaign focusing on widows over the age of 70. I conducted intense research sessions into this demographic and have come to the conclusion that it is an underserved sector of the market. To court, woo, and bed these ladies (so to speak), we will begin offering a new package. For all cruises containing a party of 10 or more of these widows, we will hire local young men to serve as extra deckhands. In return for tips they will perform certain services for the widows that are inappropriate for our regular staff to perform. These young men will not keep the tips; the company will treat the tips as revenue. Instead, we will pay them a nominal wage, but their real salary shall be in rich, bodily experiences. Third, we will start offering shorter, animal watching tours. In particular, we are going to organize ventures to view tigers. Don't worry − we will not kill the tigers! These will be viewing expeditions only. From my penetrating research, I have learned that the vast majority of people feel a carnal tension when viewing tigers. The expectation of something happening excites them. We are going to market to these people. Additionally, for some reason people who like tiger watching also like the smell of bitter almonds. So we'll be adding those to our concession stands. Finally, I am afraid I have some bad news. Everyone's favorite intern, América Vicuña, has had to leave due to a serious medical condition. She will not be available to answer your letters or phone calls, as her illness is quite severe. But I know that she would want you all to keep her in your hearts. In closing, I just want to remind everyone that we are our best advertising. Let's take RCC viral! Talk us up to neighbors, lovers, friends, prostitutes, acquaintances, etc. I want us to be like a rampant disease: something people can't help but catch, something that raises temperatures, something you can't shake free of. Let's become the cholera of the local tourism industry! Forever Your Loving and Heartfelt President, - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Florentino Ariza Copes With the Economic Downturn By John Frank WeaverRock and Roll, Thesaurusized By Christoper J. Falvey Bill Cotter's Fever Chart Has Arrived Our Columnist Contest: We Have Some Winners It's Weird to Think That One Day I'll Photoshop You Out of These Very Vacation Photos By Colin Nissan |
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