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Millard Kaufman's final novel has arrived!
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THREE MINUTES WITH... "THE MAN".BY AUSTIN SIDLEY- - - - Q: So, who's "The Man"? A: I am. Q: No, I mean, who is "The Man"? A: I suppose The Man is just like anyone else, except better in every way. Q: Is it hard being "The Man"? A: Not for me. Q: Why not? A: (Laughter) Because I'm "The Man." Q: (Laughter) A: (Laughter) Q: Seriously, though, isn't it a lot of pressure, being "The Man"? A: Pressure only exists where there is the possibility of failure, so being "The Man," no, I don't feel "pressure," so much as an anticipation of "success" which I don't think feels like pressure. What does pressure feel like? Q: Paralyzing, like whatever you do is going to be wrong, or even that you aren't capable of doing anything. A: Then, no, I definitely don't feel that because I am capable of doing all things, even those I've never done before, even things that no one has done before. I don't feel this, "pressure." Q: Really? Isn't that just bravado, a necessary confidence to be, "The Man"? A: No. Q: Deep down, surely you have the occasional doubt, that niggling worry that this time, it isn't going to go well? A: No. Q: Seriously? A: Next question. Q: Okay. How long have you been, "The Man"? A: Wow, seems like forever, probably because it's been forever. Q: Forever, forever? A: Absolutely. Since there was man, there's been "The Man." Q: Do you remember when you first realized you were "The Man"? A: You mean as a kind of conscious thing? Q: Sure, I suppose. A: Not really. I don't remember not being "The Man," but perhaps there was a point where I was like a flower with its petals still closed. I was "The Man," but not completely "The Man," if that makes sense. But what does it matter now? The future erases the past. Q: What's the most difficult part of being, "The Man." A: Nothing is difficult in the sense of being hard to do because, again, I'm "The Man," but sometimes the protests begin to get a little old. Q: Protests? A: You know, "Down with the man!" "Let's stick it to the man!" "The man is out to get ya!" That kind of crap. Q: Does it hurt, emotionally? A: Hurt? No. I can't be hurt. Against "The Man" any individual act of protest or resistance is futile and fruitless. I wouldn't be "The Man," if they could hurt me. Let's just say it gets tiresome, boring. Q: So it doesn't bother you? A: No. I mean, I'd like to go up to them and say, "if you prick us, do we not bleed," just to shut them up, but the truth is, I don't bleed when pricked and I'm not afraid of slings and arrows either. Q: Could a woman ever be "The Man"? A: Interesting question, and here's the truth. "The Man" is woman as well as man. Q: Whoa! A: I know, heavy, right? "The Man" is really just a shorthand for something much larger, like how we use "mankind" to mean everybody, including womankind, and even womynkind. Q: Don't tell me that "The Man" is politically correct. A: Of course I am. I'm also politically incorrect. I'm all things simultaneously. I contain multitudes. I am contradiction and also harmony. Q: I'm not sure I get that. A: Because you're not "The Man." Q: (Laughter) A: (Laughter) Q: I really want to thank you again for taking time out of your busy schedule. A: Not a problem. Glad to do it. It's not like I'm busy or anything. (Laughter) No, seriously, when you're "The Man" you've got all the time in the world. Time stretches infinite. All things can be accomplished, no hurdle too high, no chasm too large to cross. You get the idea. Q: You da man! A: (Forced laughter) - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Three Minutes With... "The Man" By Austin SidleyA Taste of Pyongyang By Robin Hemley Selected Scenes from Trauma Clinic: HMO By Brendon Lloyd Florentino Ariza Copes With the Economic Downturn By John Frank Weaver Rock and Roll, Thesaurusized By Christoper J. Falvey |
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