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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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HEALTH CARE REFORM: MYTHS & FACTS.BY ROB KUTNER- - - - MYTH: The Democratic health care reform proposal will not let you choose your own doctor. FACT: You will have a wider-than-ever range of doctors to choose from! In order to accommodate 45 million new patients, the plan expands the definition of "doctor" from "medically licensed professional" to now also include: - - - - MYTH: Obamacare™ will ration life-saving medicine away from the elderly and disabled via "Death Panels." FACT: While nothing can replicate the current mercy-driven system of rationing via "Private Insurer Form Letter," the new proposal certainly does not consign end-of-life decisions to panels of faceless bureaucrats. Rather, they are taken up by exciting, glamorous "Celebrity Death Panels"™ (C-List minimum). - - - - MYTH: People in Britain are deeply unhappy with their socialized medicine system, which ours will become. FACT: People in Britain are deeply unhappy with everything. It is their only source of happiness. - - - - MYTH: Universal health care will transform the United States into another Cuba/Canada/France/Venezuela/The Democratic Republic of the Congo. FACT: A common misconception! It will, in fact, transform us into a Jamaica/Costa Rica/Amsterdam/Chad. - - - - MYTH: If you do it standing up, you'll have a boy. FACT: The BHO-HMO offers full coverage for pre-, neo- and post-natal care, without regard to procreative positioning.^ - - - - MYTH: Athena emerged, fully grown, from the skull of Zeus. FACT: Despite being King of the Gods and Lord of Thunder™, Zeus was denied medical coverage by private insurers due to being classed with a "Priapistic condition." This painfully constant state of male "preparedness" could only be tamed by nonstop anonymous intercourse. Frankly, it's a wonder Athena is the only creature to emerge from his body. - - - - MYTH: Suzie Jenkins' mom is, like, a total "alkie." FACT: Totally. - - - - * Plan includes lifetime fully-subsidized refills of Cel-Ray. ^ However, relevant trade tariffs may apply if your positioning involves the use of a ceiling-mounted swing device (See Form 134-F (i): "Permitted Imports from Vietnam") - - - - RELATED MATERIAL: Selected Scenes from Trauma Clinic: HMO Dr. Mario Weighs in On Universal Health Care Two Medieval Physicians Debate Universal Health Care - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Health Care Reform: Myths & Facts By Rob KutnerIf These Walls Could Talk: Sorority House Edition By Mike Schmidt A Subway Performer's Application Essay to Juilliard By Karl Frankenfield Three Minutes With... "The Man" By Austin Sidley A Taste of Pyongyang By Robin Hemley |
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