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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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FOR A YELLOW-BRICK WALL.BY MIKE GALLAGHER- - - - TO: Editor@TheEmeraldCityTribune Sirs, As Regional Commander of the Minute Men of Munchkin Land, I must take issue with the many of accusations leveled against my organization by your newspaper. We are not the xenophobic, "gun-toting Hobbits" that our detractors have made us out to be. We are loyal patriots. Patriots that are desperately trying to protect the Land of Oz from the rising tide of undocumented American immigrants that is flooding through our highly porous and virtually unguarded borders. Securing our rainbow frontier is a dangerous, never-ending job. And even though we are dedicated, our diminutive stature prevents us from covering as much ground as we would ultimately like to. On top of that, pesticides, badgers, and freeway crossings are conspiring to thin our ranks daily. And yet we press on, manning our posts atop the scary-high ramparts of Munchkin sovereignty. Gun control still remains a challenge. Literally. The unfortunate fact is our tiny hands simply weren't designed to handle the tremendous recoil that comes when discharging today's high-powered assault weapons. And sadly, firearms accidents are occurring at an alarming rate—RIP, Captain Tinky Winky Goldenrod, a gallant patriot and a real mensch. Furthermore, I would also like to state for the record that we are not racists. We have nothing against the American people. For the most part they are a colorful, hardworking lot, and if a DOCUMENTED, law-abiding American wants to work in our candy cane fields or in our sweetshops, I say fine. Just as long as they agree to return to the patch of dust that is their hereditary homeland when the job is over. Frankly, we don't think that's too much to ask. The trouble arises when certain migrants take advantage of our hospitality. I want to tell you a story about Sally, a spry, 163-year old who wanted nothing more than to spend her golden years growing nightshade and spoiling her cats at her beloved Munchkin Country retreat. Sally was a retired alchemist. I say was because on August 29th she was crushed into bone meal when a flying house landed on her graying crown. Police reports confirm that the errant three-bedroom/one-bath rancher was flown by (you guessed it) an illegal immigrant. What's more, the 14-year old offender didn't even have a real estate license much less a pilot's license. And insurance? Oh, please. Her only pitiful explanation was that she was seeking "asylum for her dog." HER DOG! But it gets worse. After the American teenager violated Oz airspace (and made Carpaccio of a beloved double-octogenarian) she pilfered the decedent's shoes and fled the scene on foot. Unfortunately, the local constabulary didn't have the wherewithal or upper body strength to administer the blood alcohol test, but we can pretty much assume what the results of that would have been. Is this what passes for "senior care" these days? Wake up, people of Oz, we have a crisis on our hands! And I for one do not want to live under skies darkened by wave upon wave of airborne American real estate. After all, one can't help but wonder what the next ungodly edifice to drift over our rainbow border might be? A flying tenement? Or maybe an entire squadron of IHOPs? The whole thing makes me sick to my tummy. What happens when hulking American factories, teeming with workers, start landing on our enchanted forests? (My God, I can hear the squirrels screaming in mortal terror now.) Will you sit back and let these minimum-wagers take jobs away from our countrymen? Even now I have heard of migrant activists—some say socialists—who are inciting scarecrows and metallic lumberman to walk off their jobs in a demand for paychecks and internal organs. This type of slowdown could have an enormous impact on agribusiness down the road. After all, the apple trees aren't going to pick themselves. OK, maybe they will, but you get my point nonetheless. I happen to know that other community leaders share our same concerns. In fact, I've reached out to both the Lollipop Guild and the Federated Moonbeam Fitters (Local 86) and they are prepared to use their considerable clout to elect politicians who truly appreciate the gravity of the situation. So, with all that in mind, I propose what I modestly call "The Fleabane Immigration Initiative." It is a comprehensive action plan predicated on four strategic elements: 1. Mandatory repatriation But I can't do it alone. I need help. Write the Wizard and urge him to implement my Fleabane Initiative immediately; it's the only way we can prevent Oz from being overrun by long-legged interlopers. Or, better yet, join our happy few. We Minute Men may have a small constituency, but we make up for it with the audacity of our beliefs. Don't tread on us! Yours Truly, - - - - RELATED MATERIAL: Reasons for Believing We Are, in Fact, No Longer in Kansas An Immigrant's Guide to Translating American Workplace Slang - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - For a Yellow-Brick Wall By Mike GallagherChris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents By Chris White Bitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting By Susan Schorn In Case My New Young-Adult Novel Doesn't Sell, Here Are My Backup Ideas By Claire Zulkey Dispatches From a Guy Trying Unsuccessfully to Sell a Song In Nashville By Charlie Hopper |
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