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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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ETHICAL DILEMMAS INVOLVING KLONDIKE BARS.BY JUSTIN HOOK- - - - You operate an orphanage and your funding has just been slashed. Kids are now going without dessert. Your friend owns a grocery store and is willing to donate 500 Klondike bars to the orphans if you lie and tell the government that he donated 1,000. What would you do-o-o? - - You tell a co-worker about a delicious new flavor of Klondike bars. She vows to buy some that night. Later that afternoon, you go to the only store in town to buy more for yourself and find there is only one package left. The regular flavor is well stocked. What would you do-o-o? - - In the midst of a heat wave, the power goes out throughout town. Yours is the only house in town with a working generator, which you can use to power either your air conditioner or your freezer. A number of townspeople bring their Klondike bars to store in your freezer. To save their ice cream, you must endure the heat for an unknown length of time. What would you do-o-o? - - You're at a picnic in the park when you notice that a feral, sickly dog is about to eat an unwrapped Klondike bar off a tough-looking stranger's table. If you grab the dog, you may get a disease, but you will save the Klondike bar. If you grab the unwrapped Klondike bar, it will be rendered useless to the stranger, but not to you or the dog. What would you do-o-o? - - You stumble in on the Inuit Mafia torturing an unknown person. They offer to let the person go if you are able to eat one hundred Klondike bars. If you fail, they will torture you instead. You believe you are able to accomplish this feat; however it is possible that they will take advantage of your sugar-induced stupor to either capture you or renege on their offer. What would you do-o-o? - - You're a school bus driver, getting ready to drop off your last passenger—a fat kid. You're going about 10 MPH when the brakes give out. You have two options: 1. You can continue straight, where you will soon hit a brick wall. You're going slowly enough that the risk of injury to you and your passenger is negligible. 2. You can turn and hit a nearby structure, which you know to be a Klondike freezer. It will lessen your impact, but it will also destroy thousands of Klondike bars, 750 of which were just donated to a local orphanage. What would you do-o-o? - - A Klondike bar in your freezer begins talking to you, claiming to be the voice of God. It instructs you to slay your firstborn son. WHAT WOULD YOU DO-O-O? - - - -
RELATED MATERIAL: From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio Actual List of Claimants to the Title of Inventor of the Ice Cream Cone - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Ethical Dilemmas Involving Klondike Bars By Justin HookThe Conflicted Existence of a Female Porn Writer By Lynsey G. Advice for America as it Faces the End of Empire (From the Entity Formerly Known as the British Empire) By Kate Hahn Conversations at a Wartime Café By Sean Labrador y Manzano Oh My Gawd: A Column About a Teenager Navigating Religion By Caroline Lazar |
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