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I Am the Man Who Paints His Face With the American Flag and Goes to Olympic Curling Matches and Bangs A Cowbell.BY JOHN WARNER- - - - I know what you're thinking. You're wondering, who is this man who paints his face with the American flag and goes to Olympic curling matches and bangs a cowbell? Well, my name is Norman Gosselin, and I live in Alamogordo, New Mexico and I am very pleased to make your acquaintance. I have become somewhat famous during these Vancouver Olympics as the man who paints his face with the American flag and goes to Olympic curling matches and bangs a cowbell, and I am appreciative that I have an opportunity to explain myself to so many people in one fell swoop. You have some other questions that likely include, but are not limited to the following: 1. Why do I paint my face with the American flag? The answer to question number one—Why do I paint my face with the American flag?—is because in Alamogordo, New Mexico, I am a seventh grade science teacher and the school district has a policy against having any visible tattoos, which means that, yes, if I had my druthers, rather than being known as the man who paints his face with the American flag and goes to Olympic curling matches and bangs a cowbell, I would be, "the man who has a tattoo of the American flag on his face and goes to Olympic curling matches and bangs a cowbell." While I love my country so much that I would gladly tattoo our nation's flag on my face, I also love teaching seventh grade science to the children of Alamogordo, New Mexico, and so I have to settle for the paint, which I must reapply every day and is very time consuming and difficult to do while looking in a mirror. The answer to question number two—Why do I paint my face with the American flag and go to Olympic curling matches?—is pretty simple. Ice hockey (men's and women's), luge, bobsled, skeleton, ski jumping (normal and large hill), alpine skiing, cross country skiing, Nordic combined, snowboard cross, snowboard half-pipe, snowboard parallel giant slalom, speed skating (short track and long), and biathlon were all sold out. Also, I don't care for figure skating, and ice dancing isn't a sport. So really, despite what I might've said earlier, what I'd like to be known as is "the man who has a tattoo of the American flag on his face and goes to any Olympic competition except for curling, or figure skating, or ice dancing and bangs a cowbell." The answer to question number three—Why do I paint my face with the American flag and go to Olympic curling matches and bang a cowbell?—is because thanks to the new airline policies regarding checked baggage, it was going to cost me $100 to bring my tuba, whereas a cowbell fits in a carry-on. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be known as the man who paints his face with the American flag and goes to Olympic curling matches and bangs a cowbell, but the original plan was to be "the man who has a tattoo of the American flag on his face and goes to any Olympic competition except for curling, figure skating, or ice dancing and blows a tuba." Think how often I could've been on television if I'd been able to do that! Finally, the answer to question number four—What is curling?—is... I'm not quite sure to be honest. It looks kind of like shuffleboard, only on ice.
- - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - I Am the Man Who Paints His Face With the American Flag and Goes to Olympic Curling Matches and Bangs A Cowbell By John WarnerBusiness Profile: The Inferno By Shane Castle Harriet and Wendy Discuss Their Yogurts in Minor Indulgences By Michael McGrath Recycle, Compost, or Trash? A Guide By Jenny Shank When I Was Using Allen's Computer, I Changed Some of the Talking Points in His Work Speech By Dan Kennedy |
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