- - - -
Issue 35 is nearly here, in all its disappearing-ink glory.
For a very limited time, subscribe to the Quarterly, starting with
Issue 35, and get a FREE Better of McSweeney's, Vol. II.
- - - -
A COVER LETTER FROM AN ART MAJOR SEEKING A JOB THAT LITERALLY REQUIRES HIM TO APPLY THE SKILLS HE LEARNED IN SCHOOL.BY ANDREW MILLER- - - - Dear Human Relations Sir or Madam, I am writing in search of position within your fine company that would allow me to practically apply my strong background and formal training in The Studio Arts. I'm looking for a position that will require me to draw hundreds of thumbnails of my ideas so I can thoroughly explore all the possibilities of composition that will ultimately empower a client to achieve their corporate sales goals. I can draw excellent charcoal and pastel vignettes of sunsets I observe. This is a skill certainly begging for implementation in your organization. I usually draw a fairly articulate central subject, and then use an array of techniques to partially splay the line work into the surrounding white space. That's gotta improve your bottom line, right? Gestural nude human portraiture, aka life drawing, is not only one of my core skills, but also my passion. Perhaps I could conduct live drawing sessions with some of my new coworkers as an ice breaking and bonding exercise? I think as soon as those timid ladies in finance see how sensitive and aesthetically pleasing I can render their average bodies, they will take an instant liking to me, and the whole staff will be all the stronger as a result. My deft touch with magazine collages will no doubt lend immediate impact to your companies presentations. My professor was quite impressed with my independent study in which I brutally put a spotlight on how women are portrayed as objects in the mass media, along with a dissection of the resulting body images issues. It felt like new artistic territory making a statement with my work like that. I can make that same kind of statement for your organization. Maybe something about deforestation or global warming or some kind of big deal like that. My teacher said that I had the best pencil shading skills she has ever seen, so I will definitely bring that to your boardroom table. I can make a sphere look totally 3D, and also do columns and cubes or any shapes that your company would need a perfect 3D sketch of for whatever reason. Do you know how a color wheel works? I'm pretty much an expert on those. I was noticing that your company has a central color scheme. I can suggest complimentary and secondary colors to go with these. (Even tertiary colors in a few cases.) I can also use red, blue and yellow paint to mix a color really, really close to your exact color. This would come in handy if you ever need to make a large butcher paper banner for advertising purposes. Five words for you: Abstract compositions with construction paper. I know most people think construction paper is just for preschoolers or something, but I actually based my entire senior thesis (including a DVD portfolio) in the medium. There are some really innovative things you can do with construction paper, like rip it out to create these really cool jagged edges that look like distant mountain ranges with all these fuzzy trees, or some totally crazy horizon line on a distant planet. Maybe construction paper could be a part of your "assault on new media" I read about in your company's tri-fold brochure I picked up at the career fair. Please keep my diverse range of art skills in mind when reviewing my application, which you'll notice I completed in crayon. I always love to think outside the box when approaching any task. Yours truly,
- - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - A Cover Letter from an Art Major Seeking a Job That Literally Requires Him to Apply the Skills He Learned in School By Andrew MillerManglers Mall By Kurt Luchs A Message to Our Readers About the Real Timothy McSweeney I Am the Man Who Paints His Entire Head and Face to Resemble the Helmet of His Favorite Football Team By John Warner Miss Marple Attempts Stand-Up Comedy By Kristi Harrison |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
