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A SHORT HISTORY OF THE NORSE OCCUPATION OF DUBLIN FOR BOSTONIANS.BY ROWDY GEIRSSON- - - - So fuckin' like 1200 years ago, mostah the young guys livin' ovah in Nahway were havin' a real tough time, just sittin' 'round the fahm thinkin' tah 'emselves, "All the good land's already been takin' here in Nahway, dad's gonnah leave the fuckin' fahm tah my oldah brothah since he's oldah 'en me, n' if I don't go n' get myself signed up with one'ah the union guys down at the docks I'm gonnah end up livin' the restah my life like some poor kid from Dahchestah who nevah got outtah the fuckin' projects." So there's all these young Nahwegian guys hangin' 'round down at the docks n' whenevah they get enough'ah 'em, they'd put tahgethah a crew n' then they'd just set sail on tah wherevah the fuck they felt like goin' n' then when they got tah whereevah the fuck it was they were goin' they'd do some plundah'n n' pillage'n fah awhile. Now turns out Ireland was one'ah the Nahwegians' favuhritest fuckin' places 'round 'cause yah could get there n' back pretty fast at first, n' if yah sacked a monastehry yah could make off with some wicked good plundah since the monks hoahrded gold n' didn't hahdly evah even put up a fuckin' fight. So the Nahwegians ahr doin' this fah awhile, n' the boats ahr comin' n' goin' n' goin' n' comin' n' eventually everyone's fuckin' commutin' between home n' wohrk n' so a'course the traffic out on route 128's just gettin' totally fuckin' outtah hand, n' so that's when some'ah the guys staht gettin' tah thinkin' that they oughtah just fuckin' stay in Ireland 'cause, yah know, the fuckin' commute just ain't wohrth the fuckin' bothah anymohr. So one'ah these guys his name's Torgeis, n' he gets this idea when he's back home in the merry monthah May, n' so he goes n' salutes his fathah n' he kisses his dahlin' mothah n' then he goes n' he gathahs a bunchah othah Nahwegians togethah n' then they all sail down the rocky whale-road all the way tah Dublin. But thing is Dublin wasn't even a real fuckin' town at that time, it was just these few Irish guys sittin' 'round brewin' stout in some pool'ah dirty wahtah down by the rivah—down by the banks'ah the rivah, the Liffey. Now turns out Dublin means "black pool" in fuckin' old Irish n' the Nahwegians, they like stout just as much as the next guy, so they just keep on callin' it Dublin 'cause, yah know, why the fuck not? But anyway, so there they ahr, in Dublin, n' Torgeis is gettin' all wohrked up 'cause the place is quietah 'en the Cape in fuckin' wintahtime n' so he's pacin' fuckin' circles 'round the black pool'ah Guinness goin', "Where's the fuckin' city? Where's the mead hall? Where's the fuckin' mahketplace? There even anywhere a guy can ohdah a fuckin' coffee regulah 'round here? Fah Christ's sake, where's the fuckin' Double-D? Yah fuckin' shittin' me? This place don't even have a fuckin' donut shop? Whatah fuckin' shithole." N' he keeps on goin' on like this fah awhile longah till finally he calms his livah n' then first thing he decides tah do is he builds a fuckin' long wharf n' then he sets up the mahket n' the hall at the end'ah it n' when all's done, that whole paht'ah the new city ends up bein' where all the outtahtownahs spend mostah their time 'cause it's a got plenny a'histahric chahm with all the cobblestone streets n' fuckin' tourist shops n' pubs n' everything all ovah. So it's like fuckin' 845 or so by now n' the Nahwegians, they've settled in n' the Irish locals ahr all comin' in from allovah the old countryside 'cause they're thinkin', "There's a fuckin' city at Dublin now? You fuckin' kiddin' me? We gottah check this out, this is fuckin' unbelievable." N' the Nahwegians ahr bein' real pricks 'cause they're suppressin' all the Irish who ahr comin' tah Dublin n' so the years ahr passin' by n' Torgeis is clingin' on tah his control'ah the city like he thinks he's fuckin' Menino till one day he's sittin' up in the Nohrth End eatin' a calzone when a mob'ah really fuckin' pissed Celtics fans show up n' they drag the crazy bastahd outtah his seat n' drown his sorry ass in Lough Owel ovah in fuckin' County Westmeath. Now a'course news a'this spreads fastah n' Bobby Orr could skate the length'ah the ice n' next thing yah know the city's a complete fuckin' disastah zone. The Nahwegians n' the Irish ahr brawlin' with eachothah every which way yah fuckin' look n' the Danes ovah in England who ahr busy beatin' the shit outtah the English get windah this n' so a'course they come on ovah n' they just staht tah completely fuckin' dominate the whole fuckin' city. So next thing wohrd a'this mess finally ends up reachin' Nahway n' it pisses off they guys still livin' up there, n' so this guy Olaf puts tahgethah this huge fuckin' fleet'ah fuckin' insane Viking long ships, n' then they head off on back tah Ireland. Now the Danes hear 'bout this n' they're stahtin' tah piss 'emselves n' then when they finally see a coupl'ah lantuhns hangin' from the Nohrth Church one night, they just completely totally fuckin' panic, I mean they don't even bothah resistin', some of 'em even depaht the city enteyahly, n' the Nahwegians just sail on in tah take contral'ah Dublin fah themselves all ovah again.
- - - - SEE ALSO: A Short History of the Norse Colonization of Greenland for Bostonians - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - A Short History of the Norse Occupation of Dublin for Bostonians By Rowdy GeirssonHappy Slappy Fun Time Customer Survey By Cory Koller The Instinctual Surgeon By Jeremiah Tucker Natural Museum of History Interoffice Smackdown By Jen Spyra This is a Bank Robbery By Jim Stallard |
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