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Darin Strauss' Half a Life,
a nakedly honest, ultimately hopeful
examination of guilt, responsibility, and
living with the past, has arrived. To mark
the occasion, get your copy today
at a reduced price.
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You Got Me Again With This Fake Unicorn!BY SHAWN BOWERS- - - - David, I'm serious this time. Don't screw around with me. It was funny the first time, and you totally had me going. I'm admitting that. I was ninety-nine percent certain that was a real unicorn until you pulled the horn off and started laughing. How the hell would I know what a real unicorn is or isn't? It's a mythical creature! I'm not a mythology expert; I'm a dental student! This is really plugging me up, though, because I'm looking over at the horizon there and I will be damned if that is not a unicorn. Do you see it? You can see the silhouette against the sunset... there's a horse's body and a unicorn's horn. It has to be a unicorn, right? Argh, why didn't I bring my camera today?! I had to charge the battery after I photo-blogged that charity mini-golf tournament last weekend. This is so much more valuable than hundreds of shots of mini-golf, but there's no way I could have known that then. Hang on, is it coming over here? Don't look at it, don't make eye contact. If these unicorns are anything like wolves, they might get intimidated by eye contact or see it as a sign of aggression. Oh wow, I hadn't even considered the possible wolf connection before. They could be like wolves in so many other dangerous ways. This could be the tip of the wolf iceberg. No. No, we can't think like that. Just don't look at it. Oh no, I can hear it whinny. I can hear it and— Hey! Wait a minute here. Unicorns don't whinny. Horses whinny! Is that... that's a toilet paper roll on its head! Hearts to heaven, David, did you do this again? Is this your doing? Well cock me in the balls. No kidding. Yeah, no, you got me. Again. That's a different horse, too, isn't it? Where do you get all these horses? Fine, yes, okay. You got me. You can stop. Fool me once and then fool me twice and I'm an idiot both times. That's the saying. I really wish you'd tell me where you get all those horses, though, because I cannot for the life of me figure that out. You live in a city! I'll tell you what really screwed me up this time, it was putting the horse off in the distance like that against the sunset. It's way harder to tell what's real and what isn't when it's silhouetted against a beautiful sunset. I'll be honest, I'm glad I don't have my camera now. Except... hmm. The more I look at it, that is a pretty beautiful horse. That probably still would have made for a decent photo. Shit, now I wish I did have my camera again. It's like, when am I going to get another photo op with a horse, you know? You thought you were fooling me, but you were almost doing me a favor, except then you didn't because I still forgot my camera. Seriously, David, where did you get all the horses, because—HEY NOW! IS THAT A UNICORN PULLING A HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE?!
- - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - You Got Me Again With This Fake Unicorn! By Shawn BowersAn Apology from the Maker of Fun 'N Easy Edible Frozen Pizza Treats By Christian Lynch The Only Thing That Can Stop This Asteroid is Your Liberal Arts Degree By Michael Lacher A Great Job Opportunity! By Kristina Loew Emeralds are Buried All Over the Country. This Book Tells You Where. |
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