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Darin Strauss' Half a Life,
a nakedly honest, ultimately hopeful
examination of guilt, responsibility, and
living with the past, has arrived. To mark
the occasion, get your copy today
at a reduced price.
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Socrates and Glaucon on the Home Shopping Network.BY REBEKAH FRUMKIN- - - - SOCRATES: Good evening, Glaucon. You look troubled. GLAUCON: I am, Socrates. SOCRATES: What worries you so? GLAUCON: Look at my kitchen floor. That brown scum is the stain of fowl livers. I spilled them earlier today and cleaned them up, but the stains remain. SOCRATES: I see. GLAUCON: The stains are attracting countless pests with their foul odor and bacteria. There is no way to clean them up. SOCRATES: Are you sure of that? GLAUCON: Yes. To do so, I would need some convenient means of cleaning and sterilization. SOCRATES: And you are convinced such a means does not exist? GLAUCON: Socrates, I have lived in this city for the majority of my life and, knowing the things I know, I do not think it is possible for something to clean and sterilize at the same time. SOCRATES: Tell me, Glaucon, what does "clean" mean? GLAUCON: Why, it means the opposite of dirty, Socrates. SOCRATES: Surely it must mean something more than that. GLAUCON: I don't understand, Socrates. SOCRATES: If "clean" means the opposite of "dirty," then to clean is to rid a space of dirt or plague, yes? GLAUCON: Yes, Socrates. SOCRATES: So cleanliness is the complete obliteration of dirt, bacteria and unsightly stains. Am I right? GLAUCON: Yes, Socrates. SOCRATES: So to effectively clean, one must also sterilize, as a sterile surface is one that is also not dirty? GLAUCON: Yes, Socrates. SOCRATES: But an ordinary mop will not do this? GLAUCON: No, Socrates. Look what a hassle it is for me to use! And none of the stains are coming off! SOCRATES: Yes. It is quite impossible to get one's kitchen satisfactorily clean with an ordinary mop. But one could add Dirt-Fighting Technology™ to an ordinary mop, could he not? GLAUCON: It depends on what sort of technology it is. SOCRATES: It would consist of the elongation of the mop's bristles and an internal motor that causes the mop's head to swivel conveniently with the flip of a switch. GLAUCON: Then yes, I agree that one could add such technology to an ordinary mop. But would it still be an ordinary mop, Socrates? SOCRATES: Very astute, Glaucon. It would not. For convenience's sake, let's call it the EZ-Klean Mop™. Now answer me this: would the EZ-Klean Mop ™, given that it has the Dirt-Fighting Technology™ I've just described, be able to more effectively rid spaces of dirt or plague? GLAUCON: Yes. SOCRATES: So you agree that it can clean better than an ordinary mop? GLAUCON: I believe so. SOCRATES: You're not fully convinced? GLAUCON: I see that it can clean, but how will I sterilize my kitchen floor with it, Socrates? I need to get these stains out. SOCRATES: I will answer your question with a question, Glaucon. What do you suppose the good men at Monsanto have been doing for the past fifteen years? GLAUCON: I don't know, Socrates. SOCRATES: They've been developing a Dirt-Fighting Formula™ that is stronger than any soap. This formula is safe to use in the home, and it can sterilize any surface. Do you suppose such a formula could increase the cleaning power of the EZ-Klean Mop™? GLAUCON: Yes, Socrates. SOCRATES: And you've already admitted that, with its longer bristles and swiveling head, the EZ-Klean Mop™ can clean far better than an ordinary mop, have you not? GLAUCON: I have. SOCRATES: And I've just said that the Dirt-Fighting Formula™, which is sold with the EZ-Klean Mop™, can sterilize any surface, have I not? GLAUCON: You have. SOCRATES: So it seems to me that such a thing exists which can both sterilize and clean: The EZ-Klean Mop™. GLAUCON: Why, you're right, Socrates. SOCRATES: Are you satisfied now, Glaucon? GLAUCON: Well... not just yet, Socrates. I'd like to own such a mop. SOCRATES: You can, Glaucon. How much are you willing to pay for the EZ-Klean Mop™? GLAUCON: Sixty dollars. SOCRATES: But the mop only costs $49.99, Glaucon. As this is less than you were originally willing to pay, I assume you would willingly pay this amount. GLAUCON: Yes, Socrates! SOCRATES: Call the number at the bottom of your screen, Glaucon, and the EZ-Klean Mop™ will be shipped directly to your home. And if you call now, you'll receive a free can of SprayOn Hair™. Bald to fab in minutes! GLAUCON: Thank you, Socrates! This will make my life so much easier! SOCRATES: Do not thank me, Glaucon, for I have merely demonstrated to you what you already know about the EZ-Klean Mop™.
- - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Socrates and Glaucon on the Home Shopping Network By Rebekah FrumkinHoles: Dug. Treasure: Still Buried. We Are the Family In the Photo That Came With Your New Picture Frame By Colin Nissan An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Experienced One of My Son's Meltdowns By Katie Schneider The Rejection of Anne Frank By Teddy Wayne and Mike Sacks |
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