Rules and Regulations for Benehmen!, the German Board Game
of Discipline.
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Congratulations on your efficient purchase of Benehmen!, the game of Saxonic discipline. Benehmen! is controlled fun for ages 8 to 80—no younger, no older!
Objective: To systematically crush the opposition by observing and maintaining the most discipline.
Contents: Four (4) square playing pieces of equal size, differentiated by varying shades of beige. One (1) equilateral triangle game board of sturdy dimensions with edges that can be used as cutting implements if playing while abandoned in the wild without proper tools. Thirty-six (36) "Achtung!" cards. If any cards are lost, the game is unplayable and you should feel deep shame. Contact our customer service department to request replacement cards and be denied and wallow in deeper shame.
Setup: Through official invitations and RSVPs on 28-pound bond paper, convene one to three other players, or "enemies," in your domestic recreational common space, or "living room." Repeatedly serve your enemies mugs of robust Hefeweizen in the interest of camaraderie and to dull their intellects. Play background music at a decibel level no greater than 30dB, the volume of a whisper in a library, unless it is Wagner, in which case it may be raised to 125dB, the point at which hearing tissue may undergo severe pain.
Game Play: Traverse the board, one square at a time; violations will result in immediate loss and permanent expulsion from the host's home. Players may not fidget, sneeze, blink, or think about carefree moments from childhood. Laughter shall be penalized by the deduction of one point per episode of frivolity. Laughter after the conclusion of the game will be met with retroactive penalizations and may alter the game's outcome.
Frequently Asked Questions That We Will
Answer Only If They Meet Standards
of Appropriateness and Grammar
1. Why does my Benehmen! box not contain any implements for playing a board game, but, instead, propaganda on the importance of subservience to the state?
If you are one of the lucky few to receive a special-edition Benehmen!: Obeisance to the Fatherland game box, you should feel honored and not question anything as you pay homage to our glorious nation.
2. I would like to play Benehmen! with a friend, but he lacks adequate discipline. What should I do?
This is a perfect opportunity to inculcate in your friend all the essential qualities of a Benehmen! player and, thus, humanity: coldly rational detachment; steadfast adherence to an objective at all personal costs; and the ability to go without food or water for twenty-four hours during an intense bout of board-game-playing.
3. Why are you handcuffing me as I ask these questions?
Silence! These questions grow tedious! Any further subversive queries shall lead to the confiscation of Benehmen! and any and all personal effects, property, and carefree childhood memories.
Auf Wiedersehen!
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Teddy Wayne's acclaimed new novel Kapitoil is available at all bookstores. He'll be appearing at KGB Bar in New York this Sunday night, May 23, at 7 pm.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Rules and Regulations for Benehmen!, the German Board Game of Discipline By Teddy Wayne
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