1/16
“Two Socks Become One”

Process for Collecting Socks for Sock Matching

Step 1: Gather all unmatched socks from their expected locations (unmatched sock basket, sock drawer, behind the dryer) and their not-expected locations (wrapping paper bin, cat tree), and place into one standard ten-gallon container. Gross Total: four gallons of socks; one-half gallon of lint; and two right-handed bike gloves.

Step 2: Match socks. Sub-total: seventeen pairs of socks (four unfamiliar); twenty-six unmatched socks.

Step 3: Arrive with unmatched sock basket (including unfamiliar pairs) on doorsteps of former roommates. Most frequently heard response, “Yes, I recognize some of these. Where are the mates?”

Step 4: Deliver twenty singles to Pirate Store. Place two new pairs in drawer for rotation.

1/15
“Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?”

Last night, we hosted a chili cook-off. The final tally has gone missing, and so we are unable to present it to you now. But we assure you, it will return.

Here are some recipies for you to try out on your friends. They all work.

Melissa’s “I Coulda Been A Contenda!” Bean Dip
This would have won if we had a bean dip category.

1 large can (30 oz) refried beans
8 oz. cream cheese
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup chopped green onions
1 small can chopped black olives
1 package taco mix (I like Lawry’s)
20 drops (or more depending on how you handle the hot stuff) Tabasco or other hot sauce

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Try to de-lump the cream cheese as best you can.

Put all that mixed business into a medium-sized casserole dish and sprinkle with grated cheese of your choice (a combination of jack & cheddar is always good).

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

Serve warm, with lots of corn chips for dipping.

If you’re out of chips, you will be tempted to just use a spoon. Do not use a spoon. Go to the grocery and get some more chips. Do not use a spoon.

Ole!

Buck Rhodes’ Famous New Mexico Red Chili
This was not entered into competition, but is impeccable.

Implements
large dutch oven
heavy frying pan
wooden spoon
measuring spoons and cups
chile bowls for serving

Ingredients
Meat: 2/3 beef to 1/3 pork ratio
3–4 lbs. Top sirloin strips

Chiles
1–2 lbs. Lean pork (boneless country rib meat/pork butt)
1–3 dried, large red chile peppers (med: pasilla, ancho)
OR 1–2 small chipotle chiles (hotter)
PLUS: 1/2 c. New Mexico chile powder (use best you can find)
For chile powder, you will need to adjust for heat, and use roughly 1/2 to 1 c. per 4 lbs. Meat

Seasonings
Water to cover meat
1 bay leaf
1–3 crushed garlic cloves
1 tsp. oregano
2–3 Tbs. oil
1 tsp. Salt
1 lg. can crushed tomatoes, juice included
4–5 Tbs. flour OR 2–3 Tbs. masa harina (corn flour)

Garnishes
large bag of corn chips OR Doritos
1/2 lb. shredded Monterey jack or mild cheddar
1 cup of guacamole OR sliced/chopped avocado
1 cup of fresh diced tomatoes
Also: your favorite salsa
These are optional: sliced green onions, sliced or whole black olives

Directions:
In heavy dutch oven pan, add water to cover meat.
Add dried chiles, bay leaf, garlic cloves.
Boil lightly for 10–15 min.
Remove meat from broth-cube meat (1–2 inches) and trim fat
Reserve broth in dutch oven

Meanwhile . . . to toast seasonings in frying pan for chili:
In heavy frying pan, add oil, heat, and brown all meat cubes.
Remove browned meat from frying pan and reserve in bowl.
In the frying pan, add crushed garlic cloves, add oregano, salt, chile powder, and flour OR masa harina (this will thicken as chili cooks).
With a wooden spoon, stir chiles and the seasonings to brown gently, but do not burn them.
Quickly add several cups of broth to dilute and loosen seasonings.
As soon as it’s ready, pour all browned seasoning broth back into the rest of broth in dutch oven.

Now . . . you're back in the big pot:
Add cubes of meat into dutch oven.
Add large can of crushed tomatoes.
Stir to mix well, and bring to boil.
Simmer for 2–3 hours, stirring periodically, until broth has reduced and is thicker. If you use chunkier tomatoes, stir more often (they stick to bottom and can burn)
When you are ready, check for tenderness of meat and thickness of sauce.
If you need to thicken more, pour in small amount of masa harina smoothed in water, and add slowly to chili at a med-high heat.

To Serve: Each person designs own bowl
Layer corn chips (or even Doritos!!) in each serving bowl and up the sides.
Ladle meat and sauce in a pile over the corn chips.
Lay on the shredded cheese, guacamole, onions, olives, etc., and top with salsa.

NOTE: This recipe is infinitely adjustable. Note that it will be as hot as the chiles you use. If you like it hot, throw in more chipotles, use hotter chili powder, or throw in cayenne. If you like it milder, use a mild red chile and chili powder that’s more medium.

Blueberry Baskets
These did not win best dessert, but they should have. The winner of this category was, however, kind enough to give away all of her winnings.

Ingredients:
1 tube of crescent rolls
Frozen blueberries (if you are posh enough to have fresh please use them)
Sugar
Cinnamon
Powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Grab a muffin tin. Open the tube and use the perforations to separate the dough into triangles. Place each triangle in a spot on the muffin tin. Poke the center of the dough into the depression but keep the corners out. Place a small amount (approx. 10 berries) in each area of the tin. Mix the cinnamon and sugar together in a bowl - you need less than a 1/4 cup. Sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on each pile of berries. Fold together the corners of dough into a three-cornered hat. Sprinkle with a bit more cinnamon sugar. Bake for 10-15 minutes - until golden. Garnish with powdered sugar. If you aspire to take this to the next level, chopped walnuts can be added to the in and outside of the baskets prior to baking.

1/11
“There’s a Reason They Call it the Squackbox”

It was Salute to Our Feathered Friends today at the pirate store. In celebration, we had a guest appearance from our favorite feathered friend: Pooh the Cockatoo. Pooh is about two feet tall, pale peach, and is capable of making noises so loud that even passers-by on the street stopped to take notice. He was quite the conversationalist, saying “Hello” and “pretty bird” and laughing a lot. He also said some other things that were hard to understand. He speaks as if through a tinny, blown-out subway station speaker: recognizable as English words, though their meaning is obscured. But considering that he is a bird, this is still amazing.

1/7
“Questions, Questions, Question”

Three kids came to the store with their babysitter for a long visit. One little girl was especially full of pointed questions, such as:

“Excuse me, do you have anything that a REAL pirate used?”

“Excuse me, do you have anything a real pirate used that costs LESS than five dollars?”

“Excuse me, do you have anything with the SIGNATURE of a real pirate on it?”

1/4
“Appearing at John Ascuaga’s Nugget in Reno Next Weekend. . . ”

A young friend named Carmen, age ten, found a treasure in the vat today. In exchange, she regaled the quite crowded store with a joke. As soon as she took the stage, everyone stopped to listen. Here is the joke exactly as she told it, with impeccable comic timing:

“A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch.

The bartender asks, ‘Hey how did you get that pegleg?’

The pirate says, ‘Arr, I walked the plank and a shark bit it off! Arr, arr.’

The bartender asks, ‘How’d you get that hook?’

The pirate says, ‘Arr! I was in a swordfight and the other guy cut it right off. Arr arr!’

Then the bartender asks, ‘How’d you get the eyepatch?’

The pirate says, ‘A seagull pooped in my eye.’

‘But, how would that make you lose your eye?’

‘Arr! It was the first day I had me hook!!’”

The fifteen shoppers in the store burst into applause.

1/2
“Merry. . . What the?!”

A gentleman of mature years and a shock of curly hair is an occasional store visitor. He recently came into the store, looked at us, shook his head and said, “Boy, you guys got me in a lotta trouble!”

When asked how this could be, he explained that he purchased a pegleg and eyepatch, put them in a Victoria’s Secret box, and gave them to his lady friend on Christmas.

“We play jokes on each other all the time,” he said. “Now I gotta watch out because she’s gonna get me back good this time!”

12/31
“Synchronized, Perhaps”

A man and woman came into the store shortly before closing time and sat quietly on the bench together. Both of them were wearing pink, spangled, synthetic wigs.

When asked why they were wearing wigs, they looked at each other for a long tense moment.

“We were ice skating,” the woman said.

12/30
“Hold On With Two Hands”

A woman looking at the display of glass eyes told a story about some of her own misbehavior. At a bachelorette party a short time ago, this woman thought it would be funny to hold her friend’s glass eye up to her own eye. Then, she let go of it, and of course it fell to the floor and shattered. “It’s all on videotape,” she said.

12/29
“They Seem So Friendly”

A lovely French couple were exploring the store, discussing various items, in French, with each other. At one point they became confused. “excuse me,” said the woman, “But what is it, ‘swab’?”

“Swab, it is, to clean the floor with a mop,” Suzanne helpfully explained.

“Ah, oui!” said the woman, smiling. She repeated the explanation in French to her husband, complete with swabbing arm motions.

“Ah! Oui!” he said.

12/28
“So, This is Christmas.”

A small holiday miracle has taken place at the pirate store. As you may know, Karl was badly injured in a filter mishap two weeks ago, which badly damaged his eye and fin. But amazingly, in just these two weeks, Karl’s eye has grown back! It’s a bit cloudy, and we don’t know if he can see out of it or not, since there hasn’t yet been a reliable eye chart devised for our gentle oceangoing friends. But it’s a good sign nonetheless.

12/27
“When Are Grown-ups Going to Learn to Dress Themselves?”

A little girl, no older than seven, came to the store with five adult relatives today. The grown-ups loved the store, but she looked skeptical. “Look, honey,” her dad said. “It’s a store for pirates!”

“No,” she said. “There’s no such thing as real pirates.”

The relatives then proceeded to dress the girl up in pirate clothing, which was, of course, very cute. She threw up her hands and rolled her eyes. “Why do you guys always gotta dress me up?” she demanded to know. “Cantcha dress yourselves up?”

12/21
“And One Rusty Bolt, Please.”

Some lucky person will be receiving the Wrench To The City Of Toledo, Spain as a holiday gift this year. This gigantic, heavy, rusted wrench has been with us at the store for quite a while, and although we’re certainly happy to have found a home for it, we were sad to see it go. The new owners were kind enough to allow us a moment alone with it before they took it away. Vaya Con Dios, gentle wrench.

12/21
“We’ve Got Your Back (Gammon Board)”

We thought we could scrape by on the homespun charm of our scrap paper board. We were wrong. Tara and Steve, gamers with standards, are also a father/daughter team that travels with a regulation backgammon board. Dice were thrown. Chips cruised triangles. In the end, Yosh was slain by Suzanne, who was then unseated by Santa Barbara Chris who slipped out of town before Kessey, Liam and Cole could put him to the test.

Check out the fun being had by Steve, Debbie, and Keilyn.

12/19
“Do They Make Patches That Size?”

We have experienced a tragedy. Karl injured himself one recent night while we were all at home or parties enjoying ourselves. Apparently, at some point, he collided with an object in the tank, causing great damage to his right side. One of his eyes is missing. We feel that this makes him more like a pirate.

12/15
“Paying Homage to the Letter H”

We recently held a celebration for the noble letter H. Queries had to begin with the letter H or we would not answer them. Those who came up with truly clever, creative questions beginning with the letter H received “a chewy reward.” These fortunate souls received a small nugget of beef jerky topped with dried squid and tied with a delicate ribbon; this prize enchanted all. These were our favorites. . .

Have hoary houris heavy hair?

Has Harry happy hoary helpers?

Have you a treat for a birthday boy?

How about a hobbyhorse or a windup toy?

“Happy Birthday” does it say?

Hopping along its merry way?

How’s that?

How’d I do?

Enough Hs to please?
If not, one more question:
How much more can I do appease?

How heavy are hairy hippos?

How did Captain Underpants sail the four seas?

How did the hole get in the back garden?

12/13
“Of Knots and Cranes”

On this rainy afternoon, a merry diversion was provided in the form of a knot-tying demonstration by Sharkey and his loveley assistant Nico, followed by a paper crane-making lesson from Yosh. Although his credentials as a pirate knot expert were slighly suspect (his expertise consisted of flipping through the knot-tying book for twenty minutes before showtime), Sharkey and Nico ably demonstrated three types of knot: the Sack Knot (“in case you need your sack to stay closed”), the Handcuff Knot (“In case you need to tie up a prisoner”) and the Hangman’s Knot (“In case your prisoner has been very naughty and needs to die”). Hangings at sea were quite rare, according to Sharkey, “But occasionally necessary in areas that had few sharks.”

Then, Yosh led a group lesson in crane-folding, with mixed results. Several cranes turned out lovely. Caitlin’s crane started out well but went badly toward the end. One gentleman made a crane out of green paper that resembled nothing so much as a pterodactyl.

Of Suzanne’s crane no comments were made, except: “What is that? Is it supposed to be a boat?”

At one point Yosh told us to make an “introverted” fold, when she meant to say “inverted.” “Uh yeah, that fold really likes to keep to itself,” quipped Sharkey. Yosh thought this was really, really funny.

12/11
“Don’t Tread On My Eye”

A woman at the store today told us about a friend of hers who had a strange experience while being interviewed for a job. The friend was being interviewed by an elderly lady who was looking for a caretaker to help around the house. Midway through the interview, the elderly woman leaned forward, and a small object dropped and rolled across the carpet.

“Oh goodness!” the elderly woman said. “would you mind picking up my eye for me?”

This happened in Minnesota. She didn’t mention whether or not the friend got the job.

12/7
“Howling At the Moon”

Question asked about Kate Kudirka’s dog, Lucy, who came to visit today:

“Is that a dingo?”

and then someone else, later:

“Is that a coyote?”

12/6
“The Puffer Puffs”

A momentous yet mysterious thing happened in the store this morning: Karl Puffed! This marks only the second time since his arrival in our tank that Karl has been known to puff. The only witness to the puffing was Caitlin, who said that she had just turned on the fish tank light and turned away. When she turned back a moment later, Karl was fully puffed and looked, she said, “like a baseball!”, sounding both amazed and alarmed. He quickly returned to normal size. Lately Karl has been especially frisky and perhaps even slightly brighter in color. He has also begun doing this thing where he will lift his entire head out of the tank and spit well-aimed streams of water at you while you feed him.

12/5
“Do You See What I See?”

Artificial eye exams were held. Many eyes were squinted.

View charts one, two, and three. E-mail Yosh with what you see.

11/22
“The Legend of High-kickin’ Kimock”

John Morgan Kimock, a thirteen-year-old black belt in karate, came to visit the store today. He is the N.Y. State Grappling Champion. We chose not to pick a fight with him. Instead, John performed a short karate demonstration in exchange for treasures.

11/9
“That’s One Hot Tub O’ Fire”

A young man stopped by today to share this tale of lard: When this particular man, (let’s call him “Josh”), was traveling in a far-flung foreign country, he happened to become afflicted with blisters on his hands, due to a long day of hard work. An elderly woman noticed his affliction and gestured that she had just the thing (gestured, since her and Josh didn’t speak a single word of each other’s native tongues). She slathered a large amount of freshly cured lard on his hands. “It burned badly,” said Josh. And instead of curing the blisters as one would hope, it just made them worse. Don’t worry—he’s okay now.

11/8
“Bloodworms! Who Knew?”

As many of you already know, we have a saltwater fish tank in the store, featuring a porcupine pufferfish named Karl and his friends. For a time, Karl and the others were not feeling well—but happily, that has all changed. Thanks to local aquarium hobbyists Jim and Gusty, who volunteered their voluminous aquatic knowledge to us, Karl and company are now friskier than ever. And, we’ve discovered Karl likes to eat bloodworms even more than he likes brine shrimp. And he likes brine shrimp a lot.

11/7
“The Ken Confounds”

Secret Handshake Day came and went, and there were few clandestine messages passed around. For those of you who missed it, we present the following encoded description of our secret handshake:

3 clues:

1. it involves a pattern known as dactylic trimeter
2. it consists of a series of squeezes of different strength
3. it must be performed with the left hand

11/2
“The Day After is Always the Hardest”

Today, many babies visited the store. All of them were very cute and well-behaved. One mother let us in on a secret: apparently our fish theatre is known as the perfect place to nurse an infant. Not only is it quiet and private, with comfortable chairs, but there are fish to look at as well. Meeting so many babies was a nice follow-up to the somber Day of the Dead.

11/1
“Nobody Kicks Like Bruce Lee”

It was the Day of the Dead in more ways than one today. It seems as though most of the city spent the day at home recovering from Halloween, as there were fewer customers than usual. We took some time out to honor Bruce Lee, Kung Fu master and San Francisco native (really!), who is no longer with us. In the tradition of Day of the Dead, we built a shrine to honor Bruce Lee, which you can see by clicking here. We also rented two of his classic films, Enter the Dragon (the 25th anniversary edition) and Fists of Fury. A relatively large crowd gathered to watch the amazing hall-of-mirrors fight scene at the end of Enter The Dragon and eat leftover candy.

10/31
“Is That Blood on Your Face?”

Today we bloodied a few people. One, a guy, took off his shirt so that we wouldn’t dirty his clothes. The other, a young girl, wanted to look as if she had been punched in the nose. We happily obliged.

You can view our work here and here.

10/26
“Chuck Norris: Kind-Hearted American”

An auspicious day at the Pirate Store. Auspicious enough to begin work on the powerful Chuck Norris Shrine that is now ensconced in the rear of the writing lab complete with candles, posters, and a terrific original portrait of Chuck Norris himself. Patrons are invited to leave letters at the shrine next to the ceremonial pair of nunchucks. Here is a small sample from the large sheaf of devotional poetry:

Your name rhymes with Buck
And also Huck.
Fins you wear not,
but while fighting you are hot.
Go Chuck go!
Vanquish your most dreaded foe!
We love you Chuck!

Indeed, we all do. Indeed.

10/23
“Bee. B-E-E. Bee.”

Tonight was the thrilling first annual 826 Valencia spelling bee, which has the honor of being one of the finest — and only — bees catering to adult spellers. Scripss-Howard National spelling bee protocol was followed, along with changes made as per the Pirate’s Rules & Regulations for Spelling Words Good. To speed up the action we added a Psychic Spelling Round, which provided noisemaking and suspense, but little Extra Sensory Perception. Money was raised for 826 Valencia programs by allowing audience members to pledge donations in the name of their favorite contender. The evening’s champion, Mark (winning word: pulsatile), had the presence of mind to pledge in the name of himself, and so won both of the prizes.

10/17
“Are We to Expect Plastic in Outer Space?”

It has come to our attention that Captain Rick was hired as a special technical consultant for the upcoming film Treasure Planet. This wholly explains the jarring presence of non-authentic pirate elements (i.e., spacecraft) in the film. Ask yourself, if he knows so much about piracy, why the need for spacecraft? Why?

10/16
“Eye Terror”

Two more Glass Eyeball tales we heard recently: One woman told us about how her father used to play with her and her siblings by removing his glass eye, putting it on his thumb, and chasing them around the house with it. For some reason, she considered this a fond childhood memory. Then, Caitlin told of a girl in her elementary school who used to terrify the kindergartners by pretending to sneeze while simultaneously popping out her glass eye. Her reign of terror came to an end, however, when a boy, hip to her tricks, saw her doing this and snatched the eye away from her. Oh, the carefree days of youth.

10/14
“Correction on Impressions”

A correction about the Bill Murray Birthday impressions:
It was not merely that the best impressions came from Caddyshack. ALL of the impressions came from Caddyshack, good and bad, and all from the same scene where Bill Murray utters the words “It’s a Cinderella story.” Mr. Murray’s publicist was informed of our event, but calls have gone heretofore unreturned.

10/13
“Into the Past, With a Sabre”

Nancy Wolf, Rebecca Webb, and Natasha came in on Sunday for Pirate Past Life Readings from 3–5 P.M. They are specialists from Aesclepion in San Rafael. Eight people came in for fifteen minute sessions each.

10/11
“One Never Knows”

Jamie Voris, Director of Internet Technology at Playboy.com, Chicago, Ill., just purchased one swashbuckler’s shirt and one eyepatch. He says, “Hey, there,” and winks in your general direction with his one working eye.

10/10
“Em2 Release Party”

A group of writers and artists hosetd their release party for em2, a hand-bound literary journal. Music was provided by Transmission, a local jazz trio that claims to do “what jazz trios do not.” How true that is. There were eight readers in all, with artwork provided by John Murphy and Michael McConnell. Buzz Poole and Brandon and Meighan Mise demonstrated various means and ways of binding books, methods that were used themselves in the making of em2. Drinks and snacks, including Krispy Kreme doughnuts, were served with smiles.

10/4
“Sidewalk Scrabble”

A small crowd gathered, including a few children and two men in ties. At least one fake word was played, to no challenges. No score was kept, and as such, there were no specific winners. This was just a warm-up for the spelling bee and other word-related activites to come.

9/24
“Dog Blessing”

Two sacred healing specialists, Rebecaa Webb and Nancy Wolf, came in to bless dogs today. A family of mutts came in... Penny Lynn, Scruffy Lynn, and Belle Lynn. And Abby (regular canine visitor) came in as well.

9/21
“Bill Murray’s Birthday”

10% off any book with decent impersonation or tribute. We played 3 of his movies on the television in the shop and had all the customers sign a scurvy birthday card. The best impressions all came from Caddyshack.

9/16
“Must Be The Mailman”

We got a shipment in from the east. Leather and brass spy glasses. Compasses. And a mystery package for Lee. Who is this guy? What does he look like? Am I ever going to meet him?

9/13
“Staring Contest”

The first round of stare downs occurred between myself and a pretty girl from New York. She was so pretty that I was sure she was a priss and a half. No contest. I wqs so confident that I would annihilate her that I bet her a lock of her hair if she lost. And if she won, she could take a bounty prize from our budget drawer. Sacha Chernoff, visiting from New York took my challenge. Her friend, Yael Falicov and a random shopper from LA, Eva Arevald, posed as judges.

First to blink, laugh, or look away would be the LOSER. Sacha’s sparkling emerald eyes froze instantly. I was so disturbed and shocked by her sudden personality shift that I was at once nervous and scared. I lost my concentration immediately - I actually thought for a split second that this doll like person would reach out and strangle me.

As we broke into sheepish hysteric laughter, Dorville walked in. His manlihood rose and His eyes locked with Sacha’s. He demanded to know who would be his challenger? She looked coyishly away secretly knowing how powerful her gaze could be. After nearly two minutes, Sacha lost. She tapped danced for us. The rest of the day, Matt left unsuspecting challengers in the dust, winning kisses here and there.

9/12
“Who You Calling Jerky?”

Today, we had a beef jerky tasting at the store. I brought in a tasting expert named Angus, a real connoisseur. We offered a selection of the finest jerky to be found in the Mission District of SF: long lasting, teriyaki, hickory smoked, gold medal, meat, meat sticks, Squid jerky, “Snake” jerky, and sticky jerky. At the end of the day, the most favored treat was the long lasting flavor.

The most interesting person who came was this salty old guy who came in the shop, looked at our display of glass eyes and began to tell the tale (in a salty old voice) of how he used to date an undertaker’s daughter. This undertaker, coincidentally, also used to collect glass eyes. In fact, his collection was so pristine, that he sorted all his special little eyes according to the shades of descending color scale.

The flies embraced the sticky jerky.

8/21
“I Have Good Noose And Bad Noose”

Alan and Yosh teamed up today to teach patrons of the store how to tie various knots. While Yosh taught everything she knew about nautical knots, Alan, the in-house knot-tying expert, taught two very excited young women how to tie a noose. They were very, very excited.

Up until now, this log was written by one of our interns, Gabe Koplowitz. He has returned to Vassar, leaving Yosh with custody.

8/17
“Everybody Likes A Good Pirate Supply Store”

Today was very eventful. A young man came in and gave to the store one historically accurate pirate coloring book, which is both historical and accurate. It has pictures of many important figures in pirate-history, copies of which may be colored in by any who wish to do so. Two girls regaled Yosh with a beautiful, heartwarming song entitled “Mosaic.” One part of the song went “Mo-mo-mo-mo-mosaic,” which was very catchy. Lastly, Stella (age 3) came into the store and, with her little sister Georgia, played with the lard of at least 30 minutes. She dug a fairly deep hole into the lard, which is still visible, and at one point claimed that the lard would become “yummy” after being cooked.

8/15
“Shout, Shout, Clean Off That Grout”

Today a competition of the most grandiose proportions was held, an epic battle which pitted war-torn determination against iron-clad, steadfast grit. Yet nary a sabre was drawn, not one unworthy soul walked the plank. Nay, this was a competition marked by blind courage and much yelling. That is to say, it was a shouting match. The winner of the match, Daniel (age 4), captivated all present with a stunning rendition of the old-time popular shout, “weigh the anchor!” Daniel and all of the other participants were awarded with scrumptious Otter Pops™.

8/13
“Who Wears Short Shorts?”

Well today, we at 826 Valencia did. Today was “short day,” and everyone who came into the store who was wearing shorts, a short-sleeved shirt, or had short hair, received a delicious Otter Pop™, completely free of charge.

8/9
“You Can’t Spell ‘Fundraiser’ Without ‘Fun’...or ‘Beatbox Battle’”

The 826 Valencia Fundraiser held last night in conjunction with Youth Speaks at Gallery Lux was by all means an overwhelming success. There were riveting performances by Youth Speaks poets, a stellar set by Mark Eitzel, a reading of PhoebeÕs hit story “StarzenÕs Booty,” and some of those who stayed late into the night were lucky enough to bear witness to the transformation of my thick, fro-like hair into a mohawk. There was also a gripping, at times frightening battle between two vocal percussionists. Attendees who arrived early enough were rewarded with a bounty of delicious food and warming ale.

8/2
“It’s Getting Hot In Here”

Whew! The store was busy busy busy today. Many children found treasures in the vat, but in exchange, the store received numerous colorful drawings (mostly of boats), which may be viewed by any and all patrons. The drawer labeled “guts,” which as far as we know contains actual pirate guts, also got much attention, as it has recently been made even more guttier and gooeyer (and rancidier!) than ever before. Karl is as healthy as ever.

8/1
“I’ve Never Seen So Many Thumbs In My Life”

This day marked 826 Valencia’s first ever full-blown thumb-wrestling tournament and pot luck. Other festivities included Phoebe’s reading of her fantastic story, entitled “Starzen’s Booty,” an interactive knot-tying tutorial led by Dan, and a terribly exciting raffle. The event kicked off at 7pm, featuring a gut-wrenching match between Ninive and Vendela. The tournament was clearly dominated, however, by a gentleman named Oscar, who went undefeated and took home a gleaming trophy. Second place went to a man named Yurev, and Hope won first place in the ladies’ division. Soothing yet ferociously danceable music was provided by a neighborhood man named Ren. Other highlights included an original limerick crafted by Mr. Andrew Leland and myself for a young man named Trey, giant chairs shaped like people, and a scrumptious artichoke/spinach dip whipped up by Yosh. This modest event would not have been successful without the help and enthusiasm of all those who signed up for the tournament, as well as those who brought in delicious and/or sumptious foodstuffs for the pot luck. We salute you.

7/21
“Gallagher’s In The House”

Suzanne has always said that Sunday is a “Funday,” and this Sunday certainly didn’t let her down. A jolly boy named Elijah, age 4, came into the store and tried to find a piece of treasure in the vat. After much hard work, he found a beautiful belt buckle. To keep the belt buckle, he told Suzanne (who was working the store) two jokes. They went as follows:

     Joke #1
Elijah: Knock knock.
Suzanne: Who’s there?
Elijah: Banana.
Suzanne:Banana who?
Elijah: Banana belt buckle!!

    Joke #2
Elijah: Knock knock.
Suzanne: Who’s there?
Elijah: Boo!
Suzanne: Boo who?
Elijah: Why are you crying?!

7/18
“Free Beard Trimmings!”

That’s what the sign said in front of 826 Valencia, and that is what was happening inside. Yosh would be giving the trimmings. The day before the beard trimming, Owen, a regular client of 826 Valencia, came in to draw a picture of the vat. He had hoped to barter for the Century Tea. On that day, he came in and told Yosh that he was excited about the beard trimming scheduled for the next day. As they were talking about the event, a man with a beard entered the store. A man named Tat. He offered to bring in his newly purchased Connair beard trimmer for the beard trimmings.
     The following day, Tat showed up right on schedule. As Yosh had never trimmed anyone’s beard before, she was pretty nervous. Fortunately, Matt coached her the whole way. Ooh, you gouged a hole here, ah, it looks a little thick there. But fortunately for all parties involved, the trimming came out great.
     During Tat’s trim, Owen and his brother Charlie came in, and there were suddenly six other customers waiting to get their beards trimmed. Alex was next. His significant other professionally took pictures for her portfolio.
     Everyone had a blast, and several lucky souls walked away with excellently (and cost-effectively) trimmed beards. One “Paul” had this to say about the trimmings- “Awesome! My beard has never looked so good!”

7/14
“Chaos In Pirate Land”

Pooh visited the store today. For a large part of his visit, Pooh simply chilled out, not squaking or flying around. Then, all of a sudden, Pooh completely flipped out. He started throwing his body back and forth and then in a figure-eight motion, making hideous screeching noises.

7/10
“Oh, Dreamweaver”

Two young men, both aged 14, came to the store today, accompanied by their mothers, ages unknown. One of the young men, Jordan, gravitated with gale-wind force towards the vat, where he found a treasure in no time. He wanted desperately to keep this treasure, so the short and not-too-arduous bartering process began. Jordan decided that he would give the store a lock of his hair in exchange for the treasure, so he had his friend cut some off. It is here in the store, and anyone who so desires may see it.
    Jordan’s friend decided that he wanted a treasure of his own, and fished one out of the vat. He too wished to barter for this treasure, and chose to have his wacky pal Jordan barter-by-proxy. So thus began Jordan’s utterly ridiculous description of a dream that he had had the previous night (or so he said). The dream he went on to describe in lurid detail had to do with the devouring of a stack of pancakes twenty strong, a fly who got in his way, a bunch of weird stuff about the plate that the pancakes were on, and how when he finally woke up, his pillow was gone. Filthy words like “cyst” and “cognac” were used.

7/1
“Some Like It Hot”

Well, it should be added to the title of what some call the best comedic film of all time that some don’t like it hot. The people who work at 826 Valencia, for example, don’t like it hot. And man alive, it was hot today. Hot hot hot! Almost as hot as 826 Valencia’s new summer line, which includes suction cups which can be used to remove glass eyeballs.

6/30
“Eli”

Eli worked at the store today. He reports that a delightful little girl named Mayya came into the store, and was kind enough to write a message which was then put in a bottle. The message reads “We are scarry pirats. But we like fun. We like to eat fish and ice-cream with rome. When we play soccer we use pimpken like ball.” The message is here at the store, and any who care to may read it at their leisure.

6/29
“All The Pirates In The House Say Arrrrr”

Today five pirates in varying degrees of splendid pirate attire joyously came into the store. They informed Suzanne that they were using 826 Valencia as a jumping off point for their plundering of Columbus’ ship “Nina,” which is currently in Redwood City. They waltzed around the store doing pirate-esque things, and eventually moved to directly outside of the store, where they regaled the public at large with glorious pirate ditties, and encouraged passers-by to explore all of the veritable treasures that 826 Valencia has to offer.

6/28
“Tickle Me Karl”

It is a well known fact here at 826 Valencia that Karl the porcupine puffer fish has only “puffed up” once. While it is actually detrimental to a puffer fish’s health to “puff up,” we have nonetheless been upset that Karl hasn’t “puffed up” more, because let’s face it, it looks really cool. Well, today while Andrew was working the store, a patron kindly informed him that in order to make a porcupine puffer fish such as Karl “puff up,” one needs only to tickle him. Andrew wrote this precious information down on a little pad he carries around in case he ever needs to write down important things, and thanked the patron for his helpful hint.

6/27
“I Lost My Poor Glass Eyeball”

A young sir came into the store today who regaled Suzanne with a story about his great-aunt, who apparently had a glass eyeball. The story goes as follows: The great-aunt had gone to see some manner of doctor, who was going to touch up her glass eyeball. You know, repaint it and whatnot. So the great-aunt was waiting patiently in the waiting room, until all of a sudden the nurse ran though the waiting room at full speed, followed by the doctor, also running, also at full speed. Apparently the doctor had dropped the glass eyeball, which then rolled through the waiting room and into the street. Nobody was hurt.

6/26
“Karl!”

For the past several days, Karl the magnificent puffer fish, who lives in the aquarium here in the store, has been feeling fairly sick. He’s had a lackluster attitude towards swimming around the tank, and his eyes are not nearly as googly as they once were. Well Karl was as lively as ever today, perhaps due in part to the exotic animals specialist who came to the store to check on Karl and all the other fish.

6/25
“A Whole Lotta Nothin’”

Today was a very eventful day at 826 Valencia. Eli’s friend Michael visited the store, but Eli wasn’t at the store today, so Michael was sorely disappointed. New copies of the magnificent English As She Is Spoke, by Jose Da Fonseca and Pedro Carolino, arrived at the store, along with some delightful Boatswain whistles. To hear some of the many Boatswain whistle calls, go to www.battleshipnc.com/charlie/whistle/ . Oils were purchased as well, more specifically “Madagascar Vanilla” and the (arguably) more luxurious “Arabian Sandalwood.”

6/24
“You Say It’s Your Birthday? It’s Matt’s Birthday Too Yeah”

Today was Matt’s birthday (he’s an intern [and a damn good one too]), so in true 826 Valencia fashion, we had a small but enchanting celebration. Everyone but Matt gathered in the romantically-lit reading tent, where we silently prepared Matt’s birthday cake, which had “Happy Birthday Superman” written on it in red frosting (Superman is Matt’s favorite superhero). It was a chocolate cake with white frosting, and a layer of delicious strawberries running throughout like mine shafts in a mountain in which said shafts are used to mine precious metals and/or gems. On the pretense of needing him to fix a broken light-bulb, the rest of the staff called Matt into the tent, whereupon they ransacked his psyche with a stunning rendition of the classic hit, “Happy Birthday.” Matt then picked two birthday presents out of the birthday present bag, choosing a free mopping and a “We Like It Here” McSweeney’s t-shirt. So from everyone to Matt: Happy Birthday!

6/23
“Picasso Shmicasso”

There is a large metal vat at 826 Valencia which contains water, sand, and a great many treasures. Kids under the age of 14 who come into the store are allowed (and encouraged) to try to fish out a piece of treasure from the vat. Should they be so lucky as to find a piece of treasure, they can barter with the store to keep the piece of treasure. Allowable goods and services that may be bartered for the piece of treasure include, but are not restricted to: the singing of a song, the reading of a poem, the drawing of a drawing, a toy.
     So check it out! Three kids came into the store today, and traded some original art pieces for treasures that they found in the vat.
    Eddie Dang drew a skeleton with big yellow buckteeth , and underneath he wrote a caption that says, “What a numbskull!”
    Morgan Dang drew a treasure chest with a golden rock and a black emerald. There is also a caption which reads, “A golden Rock in a tresher chest how deligtfull!”
     And one person known only as B.R. Dang opted for an exclusively literary approach, writing “Captain Morgan saild sailed across the seven seas and found his treasure. But sadly his comrads killed him for the tresure.”

6/22
“Eye Eye, Captain”

Suzanne was working the store today, just minding her own business, working and minding, minding and working, when a man waltzed into the store, browsed the many exciting/delightful treasures that the store has to offer, and upon discovering the rack of glass eyeballs, informed Suzanne that he had many glass eyeballs himself. Being naturally inquisitive, Suzanne asked why? Why do you have so many glass eyeballs? And how? How did you acquire them? The man, who we shall call Manny, told Suzanne that he had bought approximately 200 glass eyeballs at a garage sale in the not-too-distant past, from a man who had worked at a wax museum, and upon quitting/being terminated, stole the museum’s entire inventory of glass eyeballs. So in conclusion, Manny - 1, Wax Museum - 0.

6/16
“Father’s Day Fiasco”

This Father’s Day, everyone had a good laugh here at 826 Valencia. Everyone except the fathers, that is. All fathers who entered the store on Father’s Day were mopped. One mopping victim, Bernard Madison, 42, said that “this nonsense is humiliating and wholly unnecessary.” His son Willie, however, countered that “it was mad awesome.” Willie’s friend Matt, who had come along for the occasion, added that “it was really funny to see him get mopped. I mean, Willie and I knew it was gonna happen, but he didn’t. Oh man, it was great.”

6/14
“Tall Tales Open Forum”

It was night. The moonlight shone through the skylight which was a part of the wall and so really more of a window, which had been permanently stained with glass. There were also people, three of them, and other things like backpacks and cell phones. There was a slice of pizza too. With mushrooms (on it). They had come here (the people) to spin tall tales.
    Yosh told the first one: “I was driving down the highway in Sedona with my friend, looking for vortices, since we had heard that Sedona was some kind of spiritual mecca where lots of cults live in the woods. Unable to find any vortices, we left and went to a pizza place. We tried to order both pizza and a salad, but they said they had neither, so we left. On our way out, though, we saw the next person in line order the same thing, and receive both items with unprecedented rapidity. So that was pretty upsetting. We then went to a gas station, where we asked a policeman what the best way to get to California was. I was driving a jeep, and my friend Shaunna was driving a U-Haul. We followed the cop’s directions, but ended up driving through some hellish mountainous terrain. We finally made it through to more desert-like conditions (flat, dry), but by now it was at least 12 or 1, and I was very exhausted. Shaunna, being a lead-foot, sped ahead of me, and soon enough I was the only person on the road. I was very tired now, but all of a sudden I saw these three blinding lights up ahead. I figured that they must have been part of a baseball field, but when I got closer I realized that they were just suspended in mid-air. Suitably weirded out, I began to get mesmerized by the yellow divider lines on the road, but again something caught my attention. Up ahead I saw some kind of humanoid figure in the middle of the road, except it had really long arms and legs and a gorilla-like body. Before I could swerve out of the way, this thing threw itself at the windshield of my jeep, but strangely enough, there was no thud. It seemed to pass right through the vehicle. I was really freaked out by now, but I kept on driving, and after about 20 minutes I saw Shaunna’s U-Haul parked on the side of the road. I got out to talk to her, and she began frantically screaming at me (Where have you been?!). I told her everything that had happened, including the fact that I thought I may have killed someone. Shaunna then told me that the exact same things had happened to her. We decided to continue, though, and in 10-15 minutes, we saw a town and drove into it. Perhaps we would be able to find some people, or at least a gas station. No such luck. It was a ghost-town. We looked behind us, and something caught our attention. It was a vending machine, its lights flickering, and suddenly that weird ghost-figure appeared again, so we jumped into our cars and drove the rest of the way to California as fast as we could.” The next story was about Leif Erikson racing some other dude to this island and whoever reached the island first won the island and Leif was doing really well at first but then the other dude started to beat him but they were very close to the island now so Leif cut off his hand and threw it at the island so he was the winner even though he had lost a hand in the process but I mean which would you have more two hands or your very own island?
    The last story was about some reindeer.

5/23
“Swab The Deck!”

Two things that are held in the highest regard here at 826 Valencia: strong community and cleanliness. These two concepts were valued much on the high seas, so we figure they should also have a home at San Francisco’s only independent pirate supply store. As such, we were simply delighted today when a man came into the store and offered to scrub the floor with a toothbrush. So he did just that. We suspect he used a toothbrush so as to get the really small dirt.

5/18
“Rest Thy Weary Eyes, Gentle Horseman”

People get tired all the time, and despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, people sometimes get sleepy at 826 Valencia, too. As such, we decided that it would be a good idea to have a person in a costume sleep in the front of the store, near the sacks. This person wore an elegantly crafted latex horse head, no shoes (and no socks), and slept under a pile of sacks. And boy could he sleep! Some visitors to the store were unsure whether or not there was really a person under those there sacks, but let me tell you here and now, there was. Oh man, there was.

5/17
"Legend of the Lard"

It started off as an innocent and good-willed proposition: Give 826 Valencia some of your hair, and 826 Valencia will give you a proportionate amount of lard (in a decorator jar, no less). Fair enough, said Yosh, as the youthful gentleman took the store up on its offer. So Yosh cut the man’s hair. Afterwards, however, the young gentleman was not satisfied with the "proportionate amount of lard" that he received, and furthermore insisted on a wide-mouth jar, not a decorator jar, with which to fill up with lard. Yosh gladly accommodated the man’s wishes, finding a suitable jar, and filling it with lard. And so the man left.
     And that was that.
     Was it?
     Yes.
     Wait, no, not at all.
     Several days later the young man returned to the store, clearly proud of his new and super-sexy haircut. And he was carrying something, too. What was it? The lard? No. More hair? No. French fries? Yes! Before Yosh could munch on some of these munchable munchies, however, the lad informed her that they had been made with the very same lard that she had not but a few days prior bequeathed unto him in exchange for some of his hair clippings. The very same lard! Bequeathed! Yosh, not wanting to risk throwing up, offered the delectable treat to good-natured Eli, who affixed a badge of courage to the freshly starched shirt of his convictions, and continued to "scarf" some of the french fries. Eli is no dumkopf, though, and he had an inkling that the french fries had been made with the store’s own lard. In fact, Yosh had told him this before he ate the fries, so he really knew what he was getting into. The young man informed Yosh and Eli that the fries were perfectly safe, though, as they had been cooked in conditions upwards of 450 degrees.

5/15
"Sweeney Todd? Try McSweeney Todd"

Here at 826 Valencia, we make a consistent effort to reach out to the community, to give back a little. Sure, exciting workshops and comprehensive drop-in tutoring are both good ways of accomplishing this, but as of late, we have felt the need to reach out in a more "hands on" way. So on this otherwise nondescript day in May, Dave offered his hair-cutting services to anyone and everyone who thought that they could use a haircut. He personally gave four haircuts to people who either needed haircuts, or who merely thought that doing so would help alleviate the inherent dreariness of such nondescript days in May. Strangely enough, all patrons who came in for haircuts had curly brown hair, much like Dave himself.