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A R C H I V E S .

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CONTRIBUTORS: If you have one or more pieces on the site, and your e-mail address is not included, and you would like it to be, or if an outdated or non-preferred address is listed, please contact webmaster@mcsweeneys.net and we will update the page(s) in question.

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Summer Safety Tips: How to Avoid a Lion Attack
By Kate Hahn (7/3/08)

Playing Balderdash With Ex-Girlfriends
By Michael Nelson Price (7/2/08)

A Copyeditor at a Business Journal Reflects on a Breakup
By Allison Morrow (7/1/08)

A Suburban Mother Tells Her 14-Year-Old Babysitter How to Make Her Parties More Raging
By Wendi Aarons (6/30/08)

The Middle East Peace Process, as Moderated by My Spin Instructor
By Paul A. Ita (6/27/08)

A Press Conference Announcing My Leaving My Girlfriend Early to Declare for the NBA Draft
By Eric Wiener (6/26/08)

Alcoholics Eponymous
By Jimmy Chen (6/25/08)

McSweeney's Presents: All Known Metal Bands
By Dan Nelson (6/24/08)

New Bowling Animations
By Sean Adams (6/23/08)

Krazy Kris
By Mike Sacks (6/20/08)

Your Millions Never Came: The Good News Is That I'm Making a Comeback
By Dan Kennedy (6/19/08)

Worse Things Happen at Sea
By Susan Schorn (6/18/08)

The Press Release for My Attempt to Break the Guinness World Record for Holding Breath Underwater
By Rick Stoeckel (6/17/08)

Lit 101 Class in Three Lines or Less
By Ben Joseph (6/16/08)

Van Gogh's Ears
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (6/13/08)

The Letters of Abelard and Heloise: Mattress Salesman and Customer
By Marianne Hess (6/12/08)

From the Mensa Events Calendar
By Sylvia Eastman (6/11/08)

Excerpts From Sex and the City and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
By Jill Morris (6/10/08)

If a Unicorn Were on the National Security Council
By Ken Saji (6/9/08)

My Campaign Speech to My Parents
By Jamie Allen (6/6/08)

None of My Science Piñatas Are Appropriate for Children
By Dave Ng (6/5/08)

Service Changes
By Jason Roeder (6/4/08)

A Word to the Graduates
By David Holub (6/3/08)

Contributor Bios for Mark as Spam Magazine, Issue Six
By Angela Genusa (6/2/08)

Lacanian Jokes of the Day
By James Warner (5/30/08)

The Opening Act From the Original, Unused Teleplay of Lost's Pilot Episode
By Andrew Bridgman (5/29/08)

What the Wonder Twins Would Take the Form of and the Shape of If They Were Sent to Correct the Subprime Mortgage Crisis
By Ben Greenman (5/28/08)

How Me Breaking Up With You Is Like Jon Lester Pitching a No-Hitter Against the Royals
By Michael Nelson Price (5/27/08)

Traditions in White Culture
By Kevin Erickson (5/23/08)

The 12 Labors of Gay Hercules
By Jason Rhode (5/22/08)

Proust Discovers LiveJournal
By Summer Block Kumar (5/21/08)

Jean-Claude Van Damme Endorses Barack Obama for President
By Jeremiah Tucker (5/20/08)

A Letter to His Imperial Majesty, Aslan
By Mari Ness (5/19/08)

Amazon.com's Recommendation Algorithm Applied to Life Events
By Maribeth Mooney (5/16/08)

Quién Es Caliente? Getting Your RateMyProfessors.com Chili Pepper
By John Warner (5/15/08)

Vegan Hikers Lost on Meatball Mountain Turn to Cannibalism
By David Henne (5/14/08)

Benjy Compson Seeks Directions to Waffle House
By Jimmy Chen (5/13/08)

Yogi Berra Is Deeper Than You Thought
By Rosser Clark (5/12/08)

The Magic 8 Ball Amended by My Mother for My Middle-School Years
By Kate Hahn (5/9/08)

The 32 Physical Characteristics of Randy, Who Is Not the Buddha but Evidently Looks Pretty Similar to Him
By Ben Greenman (5/8/08)

Word Problems for Future Hedge-Fund Managers
By Bob Woodiwiss (5/7/08)

Borges Teaches Self-Defense
By Susan Schorn (5/6/08)

Baby 2.0
By Ravi Mangla (5/5/08)

Youth Culture Findings
By Dan Kennedy (5/2/08)

It's Not You, Iraq—It's Me
By David Jaggard (5/1/08)

A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic
By John Moe (4/30/08)

Acoustic Citizen
By Marco Kaye (4/29/08)

Conversations My Parents Must Have Had While Planning to Raise a Child
By Jen Statsky (4/28/08)

(IM)agna Carta
By Jason Rhode (4/25/08)

The Plight of the Suburban Deer
By G. Xavier Robillard (4/24/08)

Fragments From Polygamy! The Musical
By Ben Greenman (4/23/08)

First Drafts of the Parables of Jesus
By A.J. Packman (4/22/08)

John McCain Gives It to Me Straight
By Ellie Kemper (4/21/08)

The Berliner Ensemble Thanks You All
By Marcel Dzama (4/18/08)

The Catcher in the Retirement Home
By Teddy Wayne (4/17/08)

At My Power Seder Table
By Sigmund Stern (4/16/08)

Bomb Disposal: A Primer
By Jim Stallard (4/15/08)

Wall Text From My Home
By Graham T. Beck (4/14/08)

A Proposed Screenplay for Spider-Man 2
By Michael Chabon (4/11/08)

Selections From the Forthcoming Quantum Aesthetics: The Best of The American Journal of Physics' Music-Review Section
By Kevin Evers (4/10/08)

Film School in Three Lines or Less
By Ben Joseph (4/9/08)

Reviews of a Struggling Actor's First Three Bank Heists
By Matthew Summers-Sparks (4/8/08)

Other Dangerous Historical Events Hillary Clinton Experienced as First Lady
By Nick Ripatrazone (4/7/08)

The Most Dangerous Game: New Times, New Rules
By Ralph Gamelli (4/4/08)

Underground America
(4/3/08)

The Monroe Family Bed Wishes to Die
By John Jodzio (4/2/08)

Giants of Poetry
By Tyler Stoddard Smith (4/1/08)

Sisyphus Enters Analysis
By Jeff Albers (3/31/08)

Rules for "Stacey and the Hippies"
By Rocky Morrow (3/28/08)

On Behalf of Adam, Eve, and Humanity at Large
By Melanie Berliet (3/27/08)

Coach Barry Murphy's Inspirational Quotes (Lifetime Record: 14-91-1)
By Dirk Voetberg (3/26/08)

It's Not You, It's Your Uncontrollable Telekinesis
By Ben Joseph (3/25/08)

A Tired Teacher's Ideas for Classroom Projects
By Will Newman (3/24/08)

A 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable
By Andrew Golden (3/21/08)

Ernest Hemingway Blogs About the Top Teams in College Basketball
By John Frank Weaver (3/20/08)

Real Historical Dolls: A Catalog
By Kathryn Higgins (3/19/08)

"I Spy" in Hell
By Adrian Chen (3/18/08)

The Focus Group's Transcript for My Prospective Garage Sale
By S. Craig Renfroe Jr. (3/17/08)

Midlife-Crisis Bible Stories
By Susan Schorn (3/14/08)

Eric Clapton's Censored Song List in North Korea
By Lionel Beehner (3/13/08)

Eleven Grievances
By James A.W. Shaw (3/12/08)

"Page Six" Gets Extremely Personal
By Teddy Wayne (3/11/08)

Selected Entries From The Encyclopedia of the 21st-Century American
By Chuck Adams (3/10/08)

You've Got to Watch The Wire
By Scott Blaszak (3/7/08)

Health Inspector's Report: Burger Time Restaurant and Fun Zone
By Andrew Bridgman (3/6/08)

Greeted at the Door
By Ben Greenman (3/5/08)

So You Want to Be President?: Scripts for Negative Political Advertisements Offered to the Candidates Free of Charge
By John Warner (3/4/08)

Observational Notes for the Veterinarian Regarding My Dog Hank
By Jon Methven (3/3/08)

Interviews With the Stars: Cell-Phone Pocket-Dial Edition
By Jory John and Mac Barnett (2/29/08)

Open-Mike Night, 1:15 A.M.
By Mike Sacks (2/28/08)

Great Mugging Escapes—No. 204: The War on Terror
By Pasha Malla (2/27/08)

Letter of Recommendation for Rick Stoeckel, Who Was Homeschooled
By Rick Stoeckel (2/26/08)

Maslow's Hierarchy of Sandwiches
By Andrew Neuendorf (2/25/08)

Abstinence-Only Driver's Ed
By Suzanne Kleid (2/22/08)

Isiah Thomas, Life Coach
By Jay Dyckman (2/21/08)

Worst Cave Scenario
By Mark D'Argenio (2/20/08)

The Later Adventures of David Addington Bear: Take Your Dad to Work Day
By Blair Becker (2/19/08)

A Guide to Scientific Expressions Used in Everyday Conversation
By Drew Piston (2/18/08)

The Sadomasochistic Fisherman Visits Pyramid Lake
By Michael Swaim (2/15/08)

Jonny's Legal Advisers Hereby Inform You of Jonny's Wish That You Enjoy a Happy Valentine's Day
By Jonny Waldman (2/14/08)

How to Cook an Impressive Dinner Using the Oven in Your New Apartment for the First Time
By Neil Janowitz (2/13/08)

My Ancestry Assignment
By Adam Sachs (2/12/08)

Everything Is Wrong With You: A Letter From Dr. Phil
By Wendy Molyneux (2/11/08)

Excerpts From The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook for People With Rocket Packs
By Kurt W. Rademacher (2/8/08)

Ashton Kutcher Fan Fiction: "The Middle School Dance" by Melissa Bell, Age 13
By Teddy Wayne (2/7/08)

The Best Policy
By Miles Klee (2/6/08)

Aesop's Fables Teach Children the Art of Voter Suppression
By Andrew Golden (2/5/08)

Mondays With Kafka
By Jimmy Chen (2/4/08)

Famous Authors Predict the Winner of Super Bowl XLII
By Shane Ryan (2/1/08)

How to Maximize Your Estate's Pain-and-Suffering Compensation for Your Inevitable Death in a Plane Crash
By Alison Espach (1/31/08)

The Invisible Man Is Innocent
By Ralph Gamelli (1/30/08)

Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Mystics, Hermits, and Prophets
By John Hallmann (1/29/08)

My Pet Peeves
By Dan Liebert (1/28/08)

Rilke's Letters to a Young Plumber
By Tyler Smith (1/25/08)

Announcing Arkansas
(1/24/08)

Werner Herzog as Guest Pundit on the VH1 Television Series Best Week Ever
By Michel Duchampbuffet (1/23/08)

A Family Member of a Henchman Killed by Jack Bauer on 24 Remembers
By John Moe (1/22/08)

Together in Perfect Harmony: An Earth Ball Laments the Distortions of Sean Hannity
By Ben Greenman (1/21/08)

Toward a Sustainable Margaritaville
By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson (1/18/08)

The Girls of The Hills Visit Iraq
By Wendy Molyneux (1/17/08)

Candid New York City Rental Ads
By Brad Jacobson (1/16/08)

My Life, Rewritten as a Chinese Takeout Menu and Slipped, Unwanted, Under My Door
By Matt Marinovich (1/15/08)

More Truly Groundbreaking Copywriting
By Dan Kennedy (1/14/08)

The 4-Year-Old Finds Religion
By Ross Murray (1/11/08)

Instructions for the Proper Care and Feeding of the Chosen One
By Gregory Farley (1/10/08)

Ishmael the Comedian
By Teddy Wayne (1/9/08)

Excerpts From the Lost Mitchell Report
By Andrew Bridgman (1/8/08)

Staff Editorial From the Who-ville Picayune, January, 1958
By Robert Isenberg (1/7/08)

Whoops!
By Mike Sacks (1/4/08)

Jane Eyre Runs for President
By Sean Carman (1/3/08)

Production Rider for Kate Kershner's Holiday Visit Home Tour
By Kate Kershner (1/2/08)

Excerpts From My Rejected Script: Alien vs. Predator Save Christmas
By Ben Joseph (12/21/07)

Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn't Want to Celebrate His Birthday This Year
By Matt Bannish (12/20/07)

Jenna Bush's Book-Tour Diary of Hope
By Steve Almond (12/19/07)

How to Roll Out of a Moving Car
By Sarah Walker (12/18/07)

I Came, I Saw, I Said
By Jason Roeder (12/17/07)

The Catholic Church Moves Into the Information Age: A 21st-Century Confession
By John Frank Weaver (12/14/07)

Some Relatively Recent College Grads Discuss Their Maids
By Ellie Kemper (12/13/07)

Other Moments in a Soccer Player's Life
By Jamie Allen (12/12/07)

Prometheus Keeps a Diary
By Mike Richardson-Bryan (12/11/07)

Advanced Tai-Chi Exercises for the Modern World
By Colin Nissan (12/10/07)

Hot Chocolate Is the Loneliest Life
By Benjamin Cohen (12/7/07)

My Business Card Is a Ball of Putty
By Scott Blaszak (12/6/07)

Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja—Installment Four
By Eric Feezell (12/5/07)

Ezra Pound's Only Appearance on The Dating Game, Circa 1968
By Greg Purcell (12/4/07)

Workers'-Compensation Claim Filed by Curly Howard
By Adam Bozarth (12/3/07)

How to Be Like Me
By Tom McGlaughlin Jr. (11/30/07)

Two Medieval Physicians Debate Universal Health Care
By Blair Becker (11/29/07)

LinkedIn Invitation E-mail Copy Revised
By Dan Kennedy (11/28/07)

So, You Just Found Daddy's Meth Lab
By Daveo Mathias (11/27/07)

A Routine Traffic Stop Can Change Everything in an Instant
By Jim Stallard (11/26/07)

How Someone With an American Public-School Education Who Didn't Really Pay Much Attention in Class but Learned Just Enough to Pass Exams Imagines the First Thanksgiving
By Matt Passet (11/21/07)

Other Ways the Terrorists Win
By Justin Paul Villegas (11/20/07)

Referee Ed Hochuli's More Notable Calls
By Frank Ferri (11/19/07)

Surgery Is Easy
By Wendy Molyneux (11/16/07)

Ripple Effects of the Writers' Strike
By John Moe (11/15/07)

Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Commerce in Foreign Lands
By John Hallmann (11/14/07)

Halo 3 Cheat Codes, as Explained by Neglected Girlfriend Janet Iverson
By Andrew Kiraly (11/13/07)

Volleyball Is an Awesome Sport and Your Mother and I Are Getting a Divorce
By Peter Bognanni (11/12/07)

A Presidential-Campaign Speech That Will Help You Sweep the Popular Vote
By Adam Sachs (11/9/07)

Understanding Food Labels You Might Encounter at Whole Foods
By G. Xavier Robillard (11/8/07)

Memo to Imperial Advisers Re: Incident of the "New Clothes"
By Tom Greene (11/7/07)

A Robot Performs Standup Comedy to a Lackluster Response
By Michael Drucker (11/6/07)

The Believer 2007 Art Issue
(11/5/07)

On Community
By Ryan Mazer (11/2/07)

The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story
By Lemony Snicket (11/1/07)

Signs Above My Halloween Candy: 1996–2006
By Zach Oberman (10/31/07)

An Eighth-Grader's Halloween-Costume Ideas Designed to Get Her in With the Popular Girls
By Emily Axford (10/30/07)

Punching Up the Script: Car Wash (1976)
By Dan Kennedy (10/29/07)

I Am Tired of Being Mistaken for a Golden-Rumped Lion Tamarin
By Dave DeFina (10/26/07)

Bobby Wolff's Recent Aces on Bridge Column as Played by My Father and His Three Siblings
By C.B. Haas (10/25/07)

Suggested Poses for Photo-Booth Pictures
By Ted Travelstead (10/24/07)

What Happened After I Lost My Guardian Angel: A Timeline
By Jon Methven (10/23/07)

Good News: A Seat on My Tandem Bicycle Just Opened Up
By Colin Nissan (10/22/07)

Calendar of Upcoming Events and Workshops for the Sean Oggie Institute
By Michael Kaplan (10/19/07)

A Letter From the U.S. Secretary of Education Regarding the Birth of Your First Child
By Chandler Dean (10/18/07)

This Cursed House
By Daniel Schifrin (10/17/07)

From the "Forum" Section of Welding Enthusiast Magazine
By Danny Wind (10/16/07)

About What Happened at the Carnival
By Jim Stallard (10/15/07)

Notes Passed Between Nations During the Secretary-General's Address to the U.N.
By Johnny McNulty (10/12/07)

Off-Duty Situations in Which an Officer of the Law Might Use His Fancy Police-Report Jargon to Impress People
By Jennifer Byrne (10/11/07)

Baltimore Boy Makes Good
(10/10/07)

How I'd Communicate My Feelings About Starbucks' Wi-Fi Policy If I Were a Soap Opera Writer, a Hollywood Screenwriter, a Sci-Fi Writer, a Playwright, or an E-mail Writer
By Jamie Allen (10/9/07)

The Neurotic Pickup Artist
By Frank Ferri (10/8/07)

A Few Years After the Complete Collapse of the Global Economy, a Consumer Reporter Reviews the iPhone
By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson (10/5/07)

Orc Alumni Notes
By Nathaniel Missildine (10/4/07)

A Subtextual Reading of Your High-School French Textbook
By Sarah Smallwood (10/3/07)

We're Huge in Europe
By Teddy Wayne (10/2/07)

An Intraoffice Flier Announcing That the Company Is Having a Jellybean-Counting Contest for Its Employees
By John Frank Weaver (10/1/07)

The Dragon-Free Butterscotch FAQ
By Jeremy Richards (9/28/07)

Midterm Exam on Kelly, the Woman With Whom My Husband Had an Affair
By Susan Schorn (9/27/07)

My Therapist Goes to Dinner
By Matt Passet (9/26/07)

Trouble Report From the GUSSSSB (Government of the United States Secret Smithsonian Storage Building)
By Andrew Bridgman (9/25/07)

Trailer for the Beer-oes Season 1 DVD Release
By Michael J. Weingarth (9/24/07)

I'm 16 and Ready to Cope With Prostate Disease
By Mike Fowler (9/21/07)

The Conflicted History of the Wave, Part Two
By Michael Rottman (9/20/07)

A Different Kind of Company
By Barrett Brown (9/19/07)

Rules for My Cuddle Party
By Mike Sacks (9/18/07)

Thomas Kinkade's Experimental Period
By Jeremiah Tucker (9/17/07)

Troubleshooting Guide for TimeCorp's VH3928-Model Time Machine
By Jonathan Baude and J. Alex Boyd (9/14/07)

A Small Box of Very Short Stories
(9/13/07)

I See No Other Option Than to Resign as Emily Dickinson's Rap-Battle Coach
By Tyler Smith (9/12/07)

Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01
By John Hodgman (9/11/07)

For Whom the Whistle Blows: A Physical-Education Instructor Contemplates His Own Mortality
By Emily Axford (9/10/07)

LSAT Practice
By Shaun Spalding (9/7/07)

Custer's Last Letter
By Peter Krinke (9/6/07)

Alan Greenspan's eBay Auctions
By Ross Brown (9/5/07)

Patents I Have Sought, and Failed, to Obtain
By Eric Feezell (9/4/07)

Steroids Are Ruining the Comics Page
By Jim Stallard (8/31/07)

Tom Wolfe Reviews Entourage
By Blair Becker (8/30/07)

Introducing Millard Kaufman
(8/29/07)

As Your Manager, I Think It's Time to Rethink Some of the Advice I Gave You, Starlet
By Aaron Spiewak (8/28/07)

Debate for Emperor of the Upsilon Sigma Star System
By Teddy Wayne (8/27/07)

Brett Ratner's Notes for His Film Version of The Road by Cormac McCarthy
By Wendy Molyneux (8/24/07)

Answers to Today's Hocus-Focus, Brought to You by Ralph Nader
By Andrew Kiraly (8/23/07)

No-Stress, Low-Fuss, Hassle-Free Summertime Recipes for the Confident, Independent, Self-Sufficient Gal on the Go
By Ellie Kemper (8/22/07)

The Calvin and Hobbes Movie
By Sam Johnson (8/21/07)

Report on the Internal Investigation Into the Hansel and Gretel "Gingerbread Incident"
By Brian Walton (8/20/07)

A Memo From Sony Computer Entertainment America's Executive Vice President Andrew House to the New PlayStation Next Generation Design Team
By John Frank Weaver (8/17/07)

Pelé Gets "a Brazilian"
By Pasha Malla (8/16/07)

Mr. Tambellini's School of Driving
By Jen Spyra (8/15/07)

My Sad Attempt to Have a Sex Fantasy About Attractive Former White House Political Director Sara Taylor
By Yoni Berkovits (8/14/07)

Gentile Culture Is a Beautiful Thing
By Sigmund Stern (8/13/07)

People Whose Names Are Anagrams of My Own—Shane Patrick Ryan—Hold a Town Meeting
By Shane Ryan (8/10/07)

How to Be a Bullfighter
By Sarah Walker (8/9/07)

An Intense Moment Aboard the Battlestar Galactagogue
By Kari Anne Roy (8/8/07)

Funny Letters From Summer Camp and Their Not-So-Funny Responses
By Mike Sacks (8/7/07)

Why There Will Never Be a Lactose-Intolerant President
By Teddy Wayne (8/6/07)

Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Noteworthy Cures for Maladies
By John Hallmann (8/3/07)

David Lynch's Tips for a Great Prom
By Nathaniel Missildine (8/2/07)

Alternate Punch Lines for the Final Panels of Selected Beetle Bailey Cartoons
By Aaron Starmer (8/1/07)

Suggested Edits to the Movie 300 for the DVD release of 300: The Definitive, Historically Accurate Cut
By Jason Kellett (7/31/07)

The Lonely Sommelier: Beverage Pairings From My Kitchen
By Katelyn Stanek (7/30/07)

I Can Tell Millions of Dollars Wouldn't Make You Happy Anyway: A Brief Follow-up With Regard to My Losing Your Money
By Dan Kennedy (7/27/07)

Yoknapatawpha County Today
By Vernon Lott (7/26/07)

E-mails Sent Between Members of New Edition Regarding Their Reunion Tour
By Stephen Scaia (7/25/07)

Comments From RateMyShepherd.com
By Ross Murray (7/24/07)

How I Envisioned My Adult Workweek When I Was 6 Years Old
By Adam Sachs (7/23/07)

Exclusive! Leaked Excerpts From a Screenplay Written by My Grandparents in an Attempt to Cash In on the Superhero-Movie Craze
By Aaron Spiewak (7/20/07)

The American Canon of the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, Volume II
By Chris McCoy and Matthew Collison (7/19/07)

A Meditation on Salami
By Michael Ian Black (7/18/07)

Angela, You're a Disgrace to the Bloodsluts Empire
By Mark Walters (7/17/07)

Animal Stripper Routines for Any Occasion
By Yasmine Abbasakoor (7/16/07)

Genesis, the Rollout
By Cathy McNally (7/13/07)

Recently Declassified Letters From NASA to Phillip Hinton Re: Finding Life
By Jason Bernstein (7/12/07)

Operation Iraqi Free Gun
By Jason Roeder (7/11/07)

Anderson Cooper and Dinner Guest Eat at His Least Favorite Restaurant (Again)
By Wayne Gladstone (7/10/07)

A Letter to Optimus Prime From His GEICO Auto Insurance Agent
By John Frank Weaver (7/9/07)

Fragments From Steroids! The Musical
By Ben Greenman (7/3/07)

E-mail Chain Re: the Vernon Wilkes Explosion
By Jon Methven (6/29/07)

www.uSuckbook.com
By Gregory Hudson (6/28/07)

Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja—Installment Three
By Eric Feezell (6/27/07)

Carnac the Jaded
By Chris Sartinsky (6/26/07)

My Father, as Owner of His Fantasy Baseball Team, Has a Meeting With His Players to Explore Their Concerns About Front-Office Management
By Kate Kershner (6/25/07)

Thank You, Thank You, a Thousand Thank-Yous, and More
(6/22/07)

My Choral Dilemma
By Jim Stallard (6/21/07)

Excerpt From the Unfinished Screenplay You're a Jailbird, Charlie Brown
By Jeff Sutter (6/20/07)

Thomas the NJ Transit Train
By Marco Kaye (6/19/07)

My DVD Player's User's Manual (as Written by Chuck Palahniuk)
By Adam Manella (6/18/07)

The Severely Allergic Restaurant Critic
By Flip Jaeger (6/15/07)

In the Year 2030, the Young Hotshot at My Office Tries to Walk Me Through "Centaur," Apple's New Mind-Orb-Based Operating System
By Matthew DuVerne Hutchinson (6/14/07)

Now Would Be a Good Time
(6/12/07)

Finally, You Don't Need to Be Funny to Be Funny
(6/11/07)

Welcome to JDate: Creating Your Profile
By Eric Silver (6/8/07)

Response to Self-Dubbed "Applicant #69" From the Elite School for Yoga Enthusiasts
By Melanie Berliet (6/7/07)

Letters to the Editor of Babybug, a Magazine for Readers Age 6 Months to 2 Years
By Michael Depp (6/6/07)

Three Selections From The Masochist's Cookbook
By Jeff Michaels (6/5/07)

Nostalgic Remembrances of Things That Haven't Happened Yet
By Eric Wiener (6/4/07)

Ivan Lendl, Former Tennis Champion and Current Landscape-Painting Teacher in the Goshen, Connecticut, Community Center
By Teddy Wayne (6/1/07)

The Believer June/July Music Issue Is Here
(5/31/07)

Accounts of My More Notable Childhood Street Fights, Written Not by Me but by Totally Unbiased Eyewitnesses
By Eric Feezell (5/30/07)

A Letter From My Journal Re: "Hectic"
By Adam Lefton (5/29/07)

My Package
By Colin McEnroe (5/25/07)

Please Take
By Jason Roeder (5/24/07)

Conversations Between Famous People as Imagined by Someone With an American Public-School Education Who Didn't Pay Too Much Attention in School but Who Did Just Enough to Pass the Exams
By Matt Passet (5/23/07)

I Fell in Love With the Script
By Jim Stallard (5/22/07)

One Thousand Monkeys Rise Up
By Michael Rottman (5/21/07)

The Andy Rooney 60 Minutes Segment That Didn't Air
By Garrett Socol (5/18/07)

An HR Manager Responds to Alleged Infractions
By Rick Stoeckel (5/17/07)

A Note Placed in the Pay Envelope of Billy "the Piano Man" Joel
By John Moe (5/16/07)

A Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It
By Ellie Kemper (5/15/07)

Lesser Moments in Spanish Extra Credit
By M. Randolph Pulver (5/14/07)

Happy Mother's Day!
By Jay Dyckman (5/11/07)

Statler and Waldorf Get Evicted From Their Retirement Home
By Rob Bloom (5/10/07)

Your Proposed Design for the New Roosevelt Elementary School
By Michael Ward (5/9/07)

The Spooky Japanese Girl Is There for You
By Juan Martinez (5/8/07)

A Side-by-Side Comparison of Johnnie Wilson's Brand-New Big Wheel and My Hand-Me-Down Red Tricycle
By Mark Wilcoxson (5/7/07)

1997: The Year Tooth Whitening Broke
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Pros and Cons of the Top 20 Republican Presidential Candidates
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Important Follow-up Re: the New Password Complexity Policy
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Engagement Ideas I've Farmed Out to My Friends. Volume I: The Falcon
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Job Interview Tips
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Grumpy Teenager Visits Atlantis
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Eunice Cooper, 82, Says George Clooney Can Have Sex With Her If He Wants
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An Update on the Problem of Maria
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Brian Barton, 24-Year-Old Pothead, Writes to Presidents Bush and Ahmadinejad
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Decker Moody, Swimming Pool Salesman
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Barack Obama May Be Getting a Bit Too Forthcoming With Regard to His Smoking
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Pros and Cons of the Top 20 Democratic Presidential Candidates
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Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Avoiding Tainted Food
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A Suburban Mother Tells Her 12-Year-Old Neighbor How to Make His Street Gang More Powerful
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Planned Parenthood's Plans C, D, E, F, and G for Iraqi Insurgent Control
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The Best Jokes Are Dangerous: An Interview With Kurt Vonnegut—Part One
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Christopher Hitchens Visits St. Margaret's School for Young Women, Where He Discovers Little Girls Aren't Funny, Either
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Another Night With Jim
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Failed Role-Playing Scenarios
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Again, I'm Sorry I Failed to Make Millions of Dollars on Your Behalf: A Follow-up Letter
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The Complete Heterosexuality Commission Report: Jeff Barnosky
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After Reading Some of My Journal Entries, It's Clear That I Need to Stop Watching Porn
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Regarding Pete Seeger's Requests for a Hammer and His Descriptions of What He Would Do If He Had One
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Fantasy Baseball Preview 2007: Atom City Smashers
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Gregor Samsa, Coach
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The Game That Announced We Were Not to Be Messed With
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On Introductions
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The Truth
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I Don't Know Why I Love Lisbon
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My Interactive Call Center
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How to Tell Jesus From the Antichrist
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Song for Randy Newman, to Be Sung by Randy Newman
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Six Steps to Total Relaxation in the Workplace
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My Rejected Design Theme for J.Crew's Summer Catalog
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Roommate Wanted: Share My West Village Pad
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The Personal Journal of Zan, the Male Half of the Wonder Twins
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ESPN's College GameDay Analyzes My Recent Sexual Encounter
By Dede Preno (3/14/07)

If Career Services Coached Your Son in T-Ball ...
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Thrilling Chapter Endings You May Use in Your Next Novel
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Perhaps My Pickup Lines Need Work
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Failing at Flirting With the Hot Girl at the Office Where My Friend Works
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The Return of Dud Durden: Our Second Electrangulations E-Book
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Jane Eyre Runs for President
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The Conflicted History of the Wave
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A Memo to My New Boyfriend Re: Clarification of Offer Pursuant to Securities and Exchange Commission Regulations and Also My Trouble With Monogamy
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Yesterday's Book Reports From Today's Notables
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Embryoyo: An Introduction
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Some Other Zapruder Films
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Black History Month: An Objective Perspective
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The Modern Girl's Guide to Curing ...
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Lowlights From My Failed Hidden-Camera Show
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Romeo and Juliet Flynn, the Sophomore Squad's Head Cheerleader
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Appropriate Reverence Along the Hollywood Walk of Fame
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Competitive Horseback Riding Rule Book
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Two Previously Known and 15 Brand-New Closing Signatures, to Be Inserted at the End of Your Love Letters for Valentine's or Any Other Day
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The Birthday Party Log of Ned, Born on February 29
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Pretending to Be Her Daughter, Mrs. Epstein E-mails 5-Year-Old Katie Schuster About a Play Date
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The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust's Personal Assistant
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The Office: A Spec Script by David Mamet
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Whale of Mass Destruction—Richard B. Cheney, Adjunct Professor in the Humanities, Presents: The Annual Symbolism in Melville Lecture
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The Americans Who Voted for George W. Bush Wish to Return Their Television
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Superfoods for the Pessimist
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Talk to Us With Towels
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If My Parents in Spokane Submitted What They Considered Celebrity Sightings to Gawker.com
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Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Where Not to Go
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The International Society of Magicians Responds to an Applicant
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Rough Drafts of Jenna Bush's Young-Adult Novel
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Letters Home From the Cola Wars: Volume One
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Jean-Paul Sartre, 911 Operator
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Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja—Installment Two
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A Football Halftime Pep Talk Given by Someone Who Knows Nothing About Football—Namely, Me
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This Is an Announcement From Your Fire Safety Administrator
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