Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
BY CHRIS GRACE
Kyrie Irving, PG, Cleveland Cavaliers
Great fundamentals and feel for game. Only 11 starts in college. Draft prospect most prepared to play 0 games. Should have ample opportunity to showcase terrific vision; can find nearest White Castle without GPS.
Derrick Williams, PF, Minnesota Timberwolves
Immediate contributor and starter, huge wingspan, efficient scorer. Post effectiveness may be limited by lack of wingspan or ability to get into arena to play.
Enes Kanter, C, Utah Jazz
Boom or bust pick, imposing size and surprisingly skilled for his age. Originally from Turkey, may experience culture shock in Utah with nothing to do and no reason for being there.
Tristan Thompson, PF, Cleveland Cavaliers
Polished post game, can score with either hand. Undersized for power forward position, although oversized for someone unable to play professional basketball. Best comparison: Moses Malone in his prime. Worst comparison: Moses Malone in his Barcalounger.
Jonas Valanciunas, C, Toronto Raptors
Lethal on flashes to rim, young and raw but great potential. Terrific free-throw shooter but will have trouble getting to line with no opponents.
Jan Vesely, SF, Washington Wizards
High-flyer in transition, good motor, plays with emotion. Extensive European experience, should be comfortable with time off. Strong napper.
Bismack Biyombo, C, Charlotte Bobcats
Explosive post presence, raw talent. Could have softer hands, should improve with a few months of Xbox.
Brandon Knight, PG, Detroit Pistons
Great first step, gets into the lane at will. Streaky shooter, will probably not make an outside shot until 2012 at the earliest. Above-average rebounding and retweeting for a guard.
Kemba Walker, PG, Charlotte Bobcats
Proven winner, must be double-teamed, instant change-of-direction. Functioned well in Connecticut playbook, but can he run an NBA-style offense without a ball?
Jimmer Fredette, SG, Sacramento Kings
Led college in scoring, unlimited range. Doesn’t always make teammates better particularly if they are not physically present. Charismatic presence, all-world knowledge of half-Windsor knot, good shot at getting an internship at the Mayor’s office.
SUGGESTED READSFreeDarko’s Executive Quarters of Organized Basketball: My Faith Is in the Specter
by Bethlehem Shoals (3/6/2006)
FreeDarko’s Executive Quarters of Organized Basketball: Wire and Cloth Were Only Surrogate Mothers
by Dr. Lawyer Indianchief (3/10/2006)
FreeDarko’s Executive Quarters of Organized Basketball: I Shall Powder Wherever I Please
by Bethlehem Shoals (3/16/2006)
RECENTLYThis Week on As the World Tinders
by Chris Brotzman (10/1/2014)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Lovingly Tolerant
by Ali Fitzgerald (10/1/2014)
Monologue: I Am Gary, Your Bed, Bath and Beyond Sherpa
by Jen Winston (10/1/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
My Grading Scale for the Fall Semester, Composed Entirely of Samuel Beckett Quotes
by Matt Bell (8/31/2012)