Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
50 Shades to
Leave Your Lover.
BY MAX LAKIN
Just slip this restricting bodice over your back, Jack.
Make a new plan, as to our deployment of safe words and variations therein, Stan.
You don’t need to be coy, Roy, as a stipulation of Article VI, clause 6c. of our agreement, which expressly precludes said behavior.
Just get yourself free of these Cambodian burlap bindings—they’re not nearly strong enough to hold you to the ceiling.
Hop on this rotating scale for your weekly BMI measurement—you’re looking a bit plump this week, I do hope you haven’t been sneaking chocolates!—Gus.
You don’t need to discuss much, as I imagine the ball gag makes such discourse challenging, anyway. Not to mention the slab of granite I’ve saddled to your back, like a rented Oaxacan burro, and which I’ve currently arranged my collection of large-format Bauhaus retrospectives.
I’ll drop off the key, Lee, to these new ankle binds I picked up on my way back from the greenmarket. They inspire more confidence, and, I suspect, provide more versatility in binding, and the like.
Though I trust you won’t use it to get yourself free, pursuant to Article XXI, sub-section ii (initialed here), which expressly precludes said behavior.
SUGGESTED READSActual Reviews Posted on amazon.com by Me, in Utter Slack-Jawed Ignorance of the Books Involved, and with Grammatical Errors Intact
by Tim Church (2/7/2000)
In Search of the Red Planet
by Paul Maliszewski (3/3/2000)
Are You There God? It’s Me, Ernest
by Karla Cornejo Villavicencio (9/28/2010)
RECENTLYCV of Personal Failures
by Casey Kait (5/24/2016)
List: Things About Bathrooms Actually Worth Getting Upset Over
by Annie Logue, Cynthia Smith McCollum and Stephany Aulenback (5/24/2016)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (5/24/2016)
POPULARI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
List: Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)