Just be yourself. Really. I cannot emphasize this enough. You like bikes? I like bikes. Are you more of a road guy or a trail guy? Yeah, same here. Traffic makes you nervous? God, me too! Holy shit. There’s so much traffic these days, isn’t there, and I’m like this isn’t an on-ramp, ya fuckin moose! Sheesh.
Huh? What’s that? Do I have a favorite season? Oh, that’s a tough one, but I’m gonna go with fall. Fall, fall, glorious fall! Yeah, hands down it’s fall. I see a pile of leaves and I just want to tornado-spin my way through ’em and collapse on a pumpkin patch that turns into a chocolate ship and dances me to the moon and back. You too? Huh. Ya don’t say.
Yeah, I mean, let’s not pretend we’re so different, you and I, right? We’ve all had those times when we were walking through the woods or a hallway or wherever you may be and… gosh, you’re pretty, I like your hat. Anyway, like I was saying, you’re walking somewhere, and up ahead you see a bear—or a human, hahahaha, let’s include everyone!—so you see this living/breathing being in the distance and you kinda, sorta know that you should say hi at some point but when you look up, he’s looking down, so you look back down, and then you look up again and he’s still looking down, and then you think, Hey! He never looked at me. He never looked at me and I know him. I mean, I know him. We were next-door hibernators and I gave his wife an extra elk and it really was all I could do to keep from spitting out flaming piranhas when I realized how badly this flying fuckananny had just dissed me, and I thought, No, Tyler, this isn’t a big deal, ya know? Maybe you just missed him looking at you and he missed you looking at him, and this is all one plump misunderstanding so calm the frickle down. But you can’t, can you? And then before you know it, you’re going bear-shit on him and you’re like, What am I doing with his ribcage!?!? Hahahaha, whew. Gee dangit.
Anyway, where did you folks say you were camping? Oh, up north? Big Bear Lake? Yeah, yeah. So what’s that about, huh? Why do you guys name lakes after us and then make it all like, Stay away! Get outta here! Hanging food up in the trees like some big-ass piñatas and thinking we’re not gonna come party. We get down, you know. We like to have fun too.
So, you got kids? Oh, they’re waiting? In the car? Oh sure, yeah, you should go, jeez, don’t let me keep you. Say, how fat are they? Hahahaha! Just kidding! Whew, jokes sure are fun. Aren’t kids the best? I’ve got three of my own, the little pinballs. You know what! I’ve got an idea! We should all get together sometime. Maybe do a barbecue or go fishing. I’m crazy about boats. Bonkers for em! The way they knock around and make everything feel breezy and smell like birds—yeah, boats are art. Well, okay, I’ll let you go then, but I’m glad we ran into each other and don’t be strangers, okay? Mi casa es su casa! Tschüss!