Norse History for Bostonians
When not choking on the sickly sweet taste of 21st-century despair, Rowdy Geirsson maintains www.scandinavianaggression.com and attempts to promote the glorious (or inglorious, as the case may be) deeds of Vikings past and present. Here, he discusses special topics in medieval Norse history with the intention of maximizing ease of comprehension among Bostonians and other pertinent New Englanders (Connecticuters excluded).
A Brief Overview of the Lifestyle Altering Technological Accomplishments of the Original Norse Bluetooth for Bostonians.
Yah know, back in the time’ah guys like Harald Bluetooth n’ Erik Bloodaxe yah didn’t have any’ah that fancy, new technological type bullshit like we got all ovah the fuckin’ place now. I mean those guys, if they had somethin’ they wanted tah say tah the whole wide fuckin’ world, then they’d get out their chisels n’ their hammahs n’ they’d go fuckin’ buhsuhrk with ‘em on some big rock ah somethin’. N’ then fuckin’ like days ah fuckin’ maybe even weeks latah they’d end up with this huge-ass fuckin’ runestone that people’d see from miles ‘round n’ these runestones, they’d usually say shit on ‘em like “Grettir got wasted n’ hooked up with some ugly chick while visiting his cousins ovah in Kiev” ah “Tosti went tah Ireland n’ FUCKED SOME SHIT UP”—‘cause yah know, even Vikings like tah use all caps sometimes—n’ the people who saw these runestones would go ‘round givin’ thumbs up tah the ones they liked n’ prob’ly even repeatin’ ‘em tah their friends ah whatevah. Hell, most the time they’d even be commentin’ on ‘em like they’re tryin’ tah outdo the authah’s own ahriginal wit n’ all in all it’s just some big fuckin’ geological-oddity-based spastic populahrity contest that saps the productivity’ah the whole fuckin’ population but at least sohrt’ah makes ‘em feel happy fah a change since Vikings ahr social beings just like anyone else even if they do happen tah have some seriously anti-social tendencies like goin’ ‘round n’ rapin’ n’ pillagin’ most the new people they just so happen tah fuckin’ meet.
But gettin’ back tah the ahriginal Harald Bluetooth, so not only was this guy a very social guy n’ mastah’ah some hahdco’ah ancient wi’ahless communications, but he was alsah king’ah all the fuckin’ Danes n’ you don’t even need tah get me stahted on the significance’ah that fuckin’ statement. I mean, if yah got the entiyah population’ah Denmahk at yah back, then there’s just no fuckin’ way yah evah gonnah lose a fuckin’ fight, even if it’s an all-out brawl against an entiyah mob’ah guidos ovah on Hannovah Street durin’ the Wohrld Cup.
N’ then as if it’s not ‘nough fah him tah have an entiyah country full’ah Danish fightahs, this Bluetooth guy then alsah manages tah go n’ set up this place called Jomsborg which was prob’ly some island somewhere off the coast’ah Poland. But the whole point of this Jomsborg place was fah it tah be a brothah-hood’ah the best fuckin’ fightahs ‘round. I mean, with the lineup’ah these guys had, they’d have even given Bird, McHale, n’ Parish a run fah their fuckin’ money, at least until they got fuckin’ massacah’d by a bunch’ah Nahwegians ovah at Hjörungavágr.
But that’s beside the point ‘cause the point is that Bluetooth was the fuckin’ ideal’ah Nahse innovation n’ if his innovative wahrband full’ah fuckin’ psychos don’t prove it tah yah, then his feats’ah civil enginee’in’ bettah fuckin’ ought tah ‘cause no one n’ I mean no one civil enginee’ed like this guy did. I mean, just look at all those fuckin’ fohrts’ah his. He built these things all as paht’ah a giant “fuck off” tah Germany, n’ then tah top it off, he alsah constructed this wicked huge defensive wall made’ah dihrt. I mean, yah get that? We’re talkin’ fuckin’ dihrt here. Not stones, not wood, not concrete, but fuckin’ dihrt. N’ then so as tah help transpahrt his troops ‘round the whole country he alsah built this giant ass bridge that makes the Zakim look like a fuckin’ Lego toy straight outtah the company headquarters in Billund, which, I might add, is just a few miles away from his own hometown’ah Jelling, which is kindah fucked up if yah staht thinkin’ ‘bout it fah too long.
But anyway, the whole reason fah all this spectaculah civil enginee’in’ was that Bluetooth was basically always on the fuckin’ wahr-path, which is kindah fucked up if yah considah that he’s alsah the guy who Christianized the Danes, but that’s a whole ‘nothah stohry fah anothah time n’ the point is that it all just goes back tah the fact that this guy just couldn’t stop fightin’. If it wasn’t with the Nahwegians, then it was with the Germans n’ I mean it’s not like he’s the only guy tah evah have had a legitimate bone tah pick with the German nation, but then he really fuckin’ took it to ‘em, yah know? Kindah like a snowplow teahrin’ down the Mass Pike in Januahry, yah just didn’t wannah get in his fuckin’ way.
Oh, n’ yeah, befohr I fahget, Bluetooth had a fuckin’ blue tooth. Ah it mightah been black but eithah way it was decayed n’ nasty as fuck.
SUGGESTED READSNorse History for Bostonians: Lesson 1: A Short History of the Norse Colonization of Greenland for Bostonians
by Rowdy Geirsson (1/29/2010)
Norse History for Bostonians: Lesson 2: A Short History of the Norse Occupation of Dublin for Bostonians
by Rowdy Geirsson (3/17/2010)
Norse History for Bostonians: Lesson 3: A Short History of the Epic Norse Slaughter at Clontarf for Bostonians
by Rowdy Geirsson (5/5/2010)
RECENTLYThe Sirens’ Performance Review
by Jon Wolper (3/10/2014)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Become Not Acquire
by Ali Fitzgerald (3/10/2014)
Letters to McSweeney’s
by Various Letter Writers (3/10/2014)
POPULAROpen Letters: An Open Letter to Men On the Subway, Specifically During Morning Rush Hour On the A Train Between Jay Street and Canal
by Jenna Clark Embrey (2/21/2014)
Kama Sutra for Couples Who Have Been Dating for Over Three Years
by Chelsea Davison (1/15/2014)
I Hope You Enjoy This Artisanal Knuckle Sandwich
by Keith Wisniewski (2/26/2014)