A Conversation Between Close Female Friends, as Imagined By a Female With Exclusively Close Male Friends.
JESSICA: A weird thing happened with my body today, can I talk to you about it?
JESSICA: It was something with a sensitive part of my body that had never happened before—something either came out when it shouldn’t have or didn’t come out when it should have or appeared suddenly.
ELIZABETH: That has happened to me before and it is totally normal.
JEN: It has happened to me too! Definitely don’t worry about it.
JESSICA: Thank you both. I am immediately relieved and don’t feel even slightly uncomfortable!
ELIZABETH: I don’t feel uncomfortable either!
JEN: Me neither!
ELIZABETH: Do you guys ever wish you had longer, thinner fingers? Like long, slender, piano-player type fingers?
LINDSEY: Oh god, yes.
ELIZABETH: Me too!
ASHLEY: To be honest, I have a list of a million tiny, mostly insignificant tweaks that I would make to my body if it were possible.
JESSICA: Elizabeth, I’ve noticed that you’ve been mixing in some bolder pieces with your normal style of clothing. I think it’s great and I would definitely never point it out and laugh about it.
ASHLEY: Oh my god, I would NEVER laugh about it!
LINDSEY: And the way you’ve been playing around with your eye makeup? So good.
ELIZABETH: Aw, thanks! I’m never embarrassed to try out new things around you guys.
JESSICA: Aww. We’ve never given you a reason to be.
LINDSEY: My boyfriend made me sad today.
ELIZABETH: Oh no, what happened?
ASHLEY: Talk to us about it! Don’t let the feelings fester inside until you do something embarrassing that will overshadow what your boyfriend did to make you sad in the first place!
JEN: Yeah, please tell us.
LINDSEY: Well, it was something that seems small, but when you consider it in the context of the relationship it is something that is entirely reasonable to be upset about.
ELIZABETH: Oh, no. You’re right and that’s awful. I’m so sorry.
JESSICA: I have a similar anecdote and good advice, based on my experience.
LINDSEY: Thank you for being here, you guys. You always understand why I get upset with my boyfriend.
ELIZABETH: Aw, well, we love you. You know that.
JEN: Want to go talk about personal things loudly on the train?
SUGGESTED READSThough I Can’t Be Certain, I Suspect That This Hollywood Actress I’m Interviewing May Be Entertaining Thoughts of Having Sex With Me
by Jake Tapper (1/6/1999)
A Report on the Habits of the Sexually Ravenous Single Women of New York, Who Also Have Jobs
by Neal Pollack (9/18/2000)
by Alysia Gray Painter (4/3/2001)
RECENTLYBream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews from a Privileged Nine-Year-Old: The Ashram and Mom
by Jesse Eisenberg (12/12/2013)
McSweeney’s Advent Calendar Recommendations!
by McSweeney's (12/12/2013)
Reviews of Self-Help Books by Professional Athletes: Olympian vs. Texas Department of Corrections: A Review of On the Right Track by Marion Jones
by Miles Wray (12/12/2013)
POPULARI Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled
by Melinda Taub (5/18/2011)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)