A Custom Order for Edible Arrangements Gets Real.
Name: Charlie Landel
Recipient: Ashley Keenan
Note: Happy Anniversary, Ashley! Hope you’re doing well! — Charlie
Custom Gift Description:
Hey, you guys probably get this a lot, but I’m looking for sort of a heart shaped arrangement, maybe made out of strawberries. And if across the front of it if you could write in blueberries, “I love you.” Also I wanted to know, if down the middle of the heart, you could just break it in half, so it looks cracked open. And if you guys could use pomegranate seeds to come out of the break, to sort of look like blood? Would that be possible?
I don’t know if pomegranate seeds mix well with strawberries and blueberries… I’ll let you worry about it, you’re the experts!
Then I wanted to know if on top of the heart, you could sort of build, maybe out of pineapple or something, a little female figurine. Large enough to be bigger than the heart, but not life sized! That would be too much fruit. Anyway, if you could build a small female figure, maybe wearing a wedding dress or something made out of white coconut, squatting over the heart, and taking a dump on it. I was thinking some melted chocolate might work.
I’m not sure if the chocolate will taste okay with the coconut and pineapple figurine or not, or if either of those will taste fine with the fruit heart underneath, but I’ll leave those decisions up to you guys. You’re the professional fruit arrangers. Not me.
Now, next to the female figure taking a dump on the broken heart, I want another figure, but male this time. Have him wearing a tuxedo, maybe made out of raisins or something, and have him kneeling next to her on the ground, crying. I don’t know how to get the tears, but maybe use crystalized sugar. They will sparkle and make him look like a truly miserable and defeated man.
Again, if any of these fruits or sweets don’t compliment each other, please feel free to replace them with whatever you chose. You guys are the artists.
Next to the broken heart, I want another heart that isn’t broken. It is full and complete, and if you could write out on it THE NEW ME that would be great. On top of this one, I want the same male figure (built from pineapple), but happy this time. HE SHOULD NOT BE CRYING. Also he should look stronger, with more muscles. Have him wearing like a cool button down from J. Crew and slim fit jeans. If you can’t make that out of fruit, let me know and I will make them myself.
Next to the male figure, I want a female figure, but make this one really sexy looking and busty. You can make them out of raspberries or some fruit that is busty looking. Have her wearing a bikini or something and have her look in love with the male figure. Can you make love out of fruit? You guys are the best. I’m sure you can.
Also, I want a Porsche 911 Carrera made out of kiwi slices or something, next to all this. It should be a fast looking new Porsche. Make sure it looks like a Porsche. You can make the wheels with slices of banana or whatever works. Do bananas and kiwis taste good together? I don’t know. You guys decide. Also if you can make the car look happy too, that would be great. Everything should be happy.
Very, very happy.
SUGGESTED READSThis Week’s School Lunches
by Peter Bebergal (2/28/2000)
Come Join Our Prayer Group-Slash-Cheese Tasting-Slash-Orgy
by Jon Methven (9/22/2010)
Alternate Names for Ruth’s Chris Steak House
by Colleen Werthmann (3/22/2000)
RECENTLYOur Wonderful Babysitter is Available!
by Doug Moe (5/27/2015)
List: Classic Wisdom for Your Early 20s
by Jewel Galbraith (5/27/2015)
Monologue: A Guy Who Overestimated Swine Flu Emerges From His Bunker
by Lev Novak (5/27/2015)