Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to email@example.com.
A GOP Strategist Suggests New Talking Points.
BY MILES KAHN
First off, I want to say to everyone here, great job. This election season has been a long hard slog, but you’ve all made me proud. I’m sure that after all the votes are all counted, we’ll be celebrating our new national supermajority.
A few pointers as we enter the final stretch. Reporters may want to ask you about rape. Rape is simply not polling well with people who don’t like rape. They don’t want to hear about your personal theories on rape, or about women in general. It’s pretty much a buzzkill for most demographics.
Yes, I know you may want to talk about rape, but don’t bring it up on your own. Rape is bad. If you forget this simple rule, try this thought exercise: Women came from Adam’s rib. Rib is spelled “R-I-B.” Rape Is Bad.
If after you’ve said, “Rape is bad,” you are still pressed for more information, do not panic. But choose your words carefully. For instance, try to avoid answering a direct question about rape with a simple “yes” or “no” or “it’s a gift from God.” All of these are bad responses.
You may be tempted to quantify what kind of rape the reporter is referring to in his question. Do not take the bait. For instance, “forcible rape” is pretty much just rape to most people. It’s kind of redundant so it’s really not worth saying. Also rape should never be quantified with the modifiers “legitimate,” “light,” “understandable” or “accidental.” These are all inappropriate.
Finally, no matter what you do, do not refer to rape as “the rape thing,” “that thing that God watched and was somehow cool with” or “oops sex.” These are all wrong responses.
Here’s what you can and should do. Explain how you are totally not in favor of rape. Just go out there and say it. Be bold. That should pretty much satisfy any question you’re asked on rape. However, a reporter may try to trick you and question if you believe in abortion in cases of rape. In this instance you answer:
“I am totally not in favor of rape.”
If the reporter continues to press you about abortions, turn it back on them by saying:
“I’m sorry, are you in favor of rape? I just took a stand against rape. And here you are, laying out a vision for this country where people are raped willy nilly. That’s not an America I want to live in. If I’m elected, I will make sure that my entire administration is against rape. You heard me. No on rape. You may not care about these things where you work, but in real America, we think rape should be a thing of the past.”
If the reporter persists in asking about abortions in cases of rape, just pretend you can’t hear the question anymore. Remember, when in doubt, mention small government, gun rights and suggest that your opponent supports rape.
Now, about global climate change. Luckily, you won’t be asked any questions on global climate change. But in the rare event that you are you can answer simply, “it’s a gift from God.”
SUGGESTED READSMcSweeney’s Projects: Darrell Issa — Supreme Ruler Of California, Part One
by Gabe Koplowitz (7/17/2003)
List: Lyrics From Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Could Be Slogans Shouted by Protesters During the Republican National Convention Speeches
by C. Mason Wells (9/3/2004)
Ben Greenman’s Fake Celebrity Musicals: Fragments From Palin! The Musical
by Ben Greenman (9/4/2008)
RECENTLYHow to Write Good Sex Scenes
by Mike Lacher (12/19/2014)
Snopes Investigates the Anderson Family’s Holiday Letter
by Allen Rein (12/19/2014)
@thereal_saintfrancis_: Peace on Earth
by Nick Farrell and Rachel Farrell (12/19/2014)
POPULARProduct Review: The Invisible Backpack of White Privilege from L.L. Bean
by Joyce Miller (12/18/2014)
I Am an Artisanal Attorney
by John Frank Weaver (12/12/2014)
A Farewell to Hemnes: Ernest Hemingway Assembles an IKEA Daybed Frame With Three Drawers
by Jeff Steinbrink (12/2/2014)