Wailea
Famous for the white sand and gentle waves, but you can’t afford to eat here with your cheap-ass per diem, so leave before lunch. The most idyllic (least backed-up) parking lot exit lies just north of the palm-shaded shave-ice stand. As your discount compact rental car idles in the line of other budget travellers, hop out and pay a visit to the row of azure-blue trash receptacles, because you would not believe the island delicacies people just throw away. Mahalo.
Winka-woo
After your leftovers luau, this little-known stretch of sand is heavenly for curling up overnight in your discount compact rental car. The leeward-facing parking lot offers a prime view of the sunset, and the unimproved entry road makes a police presence unlikely. Morning brings the beauty of an empty public restroom with well-stocked liquid soap dispensers—feel the island spirit!
Humaloleini
If you want to score some bud (because that’s the only way you’re falling asleep again in the discount compact rental car), this is the beach for you. Well, it isn’t really a beach. It’s actually a public playground next to a public high school, the name of which I’m sorry I can’t remember. But there is sand under the swing sets. And there’s a Western Union place nearby so your girlfriend can wire some cash. Sit in the second swing from the left and Keoki will take care of you—he of the conch-shell necklace and ancient Green Day t-shirt. To really get to know a place, meet the locals!
Wil’ama’ama bing bong
Or whatever this beach is called. Get ready for some excellent active verbs and metaphors: Only a few feet from shore, a reef attracts a myriad of colorful fish. It’s like a treasure chest! Dude! You are swimming with rubies and emeralds. And you can touch the coral and it doesn’t hurt. I hugged one. I also totally forgot where I parked the discount compact rental car. This is why we travel.
Captain Stanton Andover Beach
Just a short stroll from the emergency room at Captain Stanton Andover hospital where they treat hundreds of coral cuts each year, this pristine gem offers beautiful views, but a strong current makes it unswimmable. That’s cool, because even one grain of sand in a coral cut hurts like hell after Keoki’s weed wears off, so salt must burn. Saunter back to the hospital parking lot and enjoy free afternoon cookies and juice under the Red Cross blood drive canopy—the best in island hospitality.
Hukahumelani
This white sand crescent popular with families is best seen from the window of your departing flight. If you actually went there you would scare parents as you banged away maniacally on your laptop with your bandaged hands trying to make your unrealistic deadline, all while sitting on your stolen hospital towel and eating blood drive cookies you wrapped in a napkin. You may be lucky enough to see this beach twice when your discount air carrier turns back to the airport due to mechanical problems. Aloha!