A Member Of The Club.
BY Brian Bieber
Dear Brian Bieber,
As of this mailing — over one year since your initial invoice was sent — we at the Columbia House Compact Disc Club have not received payment for your 2-11-98 order. We value you as a customer, but in order to remain a Columbia House member, we must insist that you take responsibility for your order and send payment immediately.
Dear Brian Bieber,
Thank you for your swift reply to our notice of 4-28-99. We appreciate your apology concerning your overdue account. However, it seems that in your apparent urgency to respond, you forgot to include payment with your (surprisingly lengthy) letter.
Please rectify this situation by sending payment for your account balance in full immediately.
I was disappointed to read in your latest letter that you consciously chose not to send payment with your letter of 4-30-99.
I would assume that you, as an American adult, understand the fundamental principles of a market economy. You see, Mr. Bieber, in our society, goods and/or services are exchanged for currency. Put plainly, YOU MUST PAY FOR THE SELECTIONS YOU HAVE ORDERED FROM OUR COMPANY. If payment is not received immediately, we will be forced to seek collection on your account, and your membership in the Columbia House Compact Disc Club will be cancelled.
Dear Brian Bieber,
I have just received your formal letter of resignation from the Columbia House Compact Disc Club, and let me assure you, we at Columbia House gladly accept. However, I feel that I should mention that this in no way relieves you of your financial obligations to our company.
Despite your hopes that your latest letter should “make everything square” between yourself and Columbia House, believe me when I say it does not. Things will not be “square” with us, Mr. Bieber, until we receive IMMEDIATE AND FULL PAYMENT for your order.
Normally, we at Columbia House would encourage an open dialogue with our customers, but in your case such a dialogue has been completely unproductive. You obviously are either unaware (which I sincerely doubt) or apathetic (which I believe to be the case) regarding the commitment you made when agreeing to the terms and conditions of the club. It has become apparent that you are simply taking advantage of the great savings and benefits extended to members.
I will not beg you to pay your bill, Mr. Bieber.
I do, however, wish to express my regret that you have chosen to sully your relationship with Columbia House.
Pay now, Mr. Bieber. PAY NOW.
Dear Mr. Bieber,
It seems that you misunderstood the context in which the word “relationship” was used in my last letter. But to answer your question: No, you and Columbia House cannot “just be friends.”
Friends, Mr. Bieber, treat each other fairly.
Now, I’m going to be honest with you: I’m tired. Expect no further correspondence from me, Mr. Bieber. From now on, your account will be the responsibility of the North Shore Collections Agency. I wish I could say that it has been a pleasure being in touch with you.
Dear Mr. Bieber,
I’m not sure exactly what to say. I suppose that in a strange, misguided way, you are correct when you assert that we “got off on the wrong foot,” but I thought that I made it crystal clear to you that our correspondence was finished. In spite of this, you still insist on sending me letter after letter.
Let me restate myself: Unless you wish to pay the balance of your account in full, please stop your correspondence. You and I are not friends. Your account standing is now a matter that concerns only you and the North Shore Collections Agency.
Please, Mr. Bieber, cease and desist your correspondence.
Concerning your latest letter and the enclosed letters of reference, I’m sure that you do have “plenty of friends as it is.” I am also duly impressed by the fact that you are in a local rock band, though I’m not exactly sure what bearing that has on this issue or why you brought it up.
Please, Mr. Bieber. I’m a busy man and have little time for nonsensical, convoluted letters from persons like yourself.
This is to acknowledge receipt of the demo tape you sent last week. To answer your question, even if it were within my power, no, I would not “shop it around” for you. Please stop writing me. Please.
After registering a complaint with North Shore Collections Agency concerning your account’s continued delinquency, I was informed that you settled your account with them over fourteen months ago.
I am at a loss, Mr. Bieber. Why do you still insist on sending me two to three letters a week? I have never done anything to deserve such bizarre attention. Your behavior is, at best, inappropriate; at worst, psychotic. Please, I beg you: Leave me alone!
You have no idea how disappointed I was when my last letter to you was sent back unopened and stamped, “Return to sender.” I really thought that we were starting to hit it off.
Anyway, my disappointment in your sudden about-face was quickly curbed by an exciting piece of mail that came with your returned letter. It seems, Carl, that I am one of a select few individuals eligible for great savings from Columbia House.
I’ve been waiting for such an offer for quite some time now.
Your Preferred Customer,
SUGGESTED READSTwo Letters.
by Geoff Bowie and Topper Shanks (4/1/1999)
Dear Federal Reserve
by Peter Schooff (1/17/2002)
Tell The Truth, Coach
by Jeff Johnson (4/22/2002)
RECENTLYCall of Duty: Homeland.
by Josh Gondelman (12/9/2013)
McSweeney’s Advent Calendar Recommendations!
by McSweeney's (12/9/2013)
Monologue: Kirk Cameron Records the Audiobook Version of the Dinosaur Erotica Novel In the Velociraptor’s Nest
by Jeremiah Tucker (12/9/2013)
POPULARI Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled
by Melinda Taub (5/18/2011)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)