A Memo to the New Employee About Parking.
BY SETH REISS
Hello, Chris! Welcome to Martel & Sullivan, Inc. My name is Janis Coleman and I work in HR. Monday is your first day so I just wanted to get you acclimated with the parking situation.
1) Your personal parking number is 194. That means you have to be the 194th person in the lot or you will not be able to park. Parking numbers are assigned based on seniority. Mr. Martel’s parking number is 1. So his initial park starts off all the parking. What I mean is, no one can park until Mr. Martel parks, and he has been known to park as early as 3 a.m. or as late as 8 p.m. After Mr. Martel parks, an office-wide e-mail is sent out informing employees that parking has begun. Be ready to park at any time, is what I’m saying, Chris.
2) You don’t have a parking pass yet. But before we even get to that point, you are going to need the gate access code. At 6 a.m. the gate access code is 664566843. For security purposes, it changes every 15 minutes by multiples of three. So, for example, if you get to the gate Monday morning and it’s 8:15—which is nine 15-minute increments from 6 a.m.—you need to multiply the 6 a.m. gate access code (we call it “GAC,” or “The Standard Number,” or just “The Standard,” around the office) by three to the ninth power, which ends up being 13080669170769. If you enter the wrong code, an alarm will go off, and the police will be called. They charge us $300 for every accidental visit, and that sum will come out of your paycheck. Quick note on the first gate: It’s finicky and sharp. It has been known to cut cars/people completely in half, so when it opens, just shoot on through.
3) After you get through the initial gate, you will come to a second gate. It’s not finicky. It’s a calm gate. The code to that gate is 7, and the attendant on duty will either be Henry or Carl. Henry has two wonderful daughters. Carl has no daughters. :(
4) After getting past the second gate, you will see a parking lot in the distance. That’s NOT our parking lot. I repeat: NOT OUR PARKING LOT. That’s Benson & Benson’s parking lot, as well as the parking lot for Dr. Tiberio’s patients who are between the ages of 44 and 54 and are experiencing flu-like symptoms. We share parking with Dr. Tiberio’s patients between the ages of 32 and 38 who have rheumatoid arthritis. If you notice someone parking in our lot who does not look like he is a coworker, and does not look like he has rheumatoid arthritis (no inflamed joints or numb hands and feet), let me know. I’ll handle it.
Okay, so like I said, the parking lot you see in the distance is NOT our parking lot. Our parking lot is beyond that and up. However, if you enter the parking lot on Clawson Street, our parking lot is before that, down, diagonal-left. So you are going to want to follow the signs that say “South West Parking Lot Martel & Sullivan East,” DO NOT, and I’m serious about this, go to “South West Parking Lot Martel and Sullivan WEST.” That parking lot is for distribution. HOWEVER, on days where you need to visit distribution you may park there, but you need to get a special distribution pass from me or Vanessa. Venessa no longer works here, so you should just come to me.
5) : Just a word of warning about parking: Space is very, very tight. Cars typically can’t fit into a single parking space in the lot. In fact, no one in the last 25 years has been able to park and exit their car without sustaining both internal damage to their bodies and extreme door damage to their vehicles. If you have a secondary car that you don’t mind scraping up a bit, I would bring that to work.
6) I left out a couple things about parking:
A) If you need to leave before 7 p.m. for an emergency or any reason, you probably won’t be able to do that.
B) Parking is nearly free for employees (perk!).
C) Because you don’t yet have a Parking Spot Tag (different from your parking pass), you CANNOT park on your first day or your car will be towed.
D) We septuple park.
E) Parking can be fun with the right attitude.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. And WELCOME!!!!!!!!
SUGGESTED READSTalking Points for People Who Serve as My Professional References
by Kevin M. Hyde (6/1/2004)
Orations of a Pre-Postcolonial Oompa Loompa to His Revolutionary Brothers in Arms
by Marissa Medansky (9/3/2010)
Keeping It in the Family (“It” Being Work): A One-Part Series on America’s Least-Worrisome Instances of Nepotism
by William Ham (2/29/2000)
RECENTLYWe’re Looking for Writers to Create Internet Content!
by Wayne Gladstone (5/26/2016)
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)
Key Ring Chronicles: P-38 Can Opener
by Evan Solochek (5/26/2016)
POPULARI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
List: Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)