A Record of Recent Senate Votes.
S.649, a bill to expand background checks for firearms. Senators Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and Mike Lee announce their intent to filibuster, thus requiring sixty votes to bring the bill to a vote. The bill is defeated 55-45.
S.574, a bill to provide body armor for police officers. Senator David Vitter announces his intent to “double filibuster,” requiring the bill to pass with sixty votes sixty separate times. The bill is defeated after senators pass it thirty-one times before losing track of how many times they voted.
S.485, a bill to simplify voter registration for veterans. Senator Marco Rubio invokes Rule 74, which temporarily grants the invoking senator six hundred extra votes. The bill is defeated 601-99.
S.966, a bill to offer job training for victims of Hurricane Sandy. As the roll call vote begins, Senator Ron Johnson invokes Rule 86, extending the time to vote for the bill from thirty minutes to eighteen years. The bill remains under voting until 2031.
S.81, a bill to allow asylum for persecuted democracy activists. Senator Kelly Ayotte invokes Rule 212, which sends the bill back to committee for review, then to every other Senate committee, then to every other political body within 3,000 miles. The bill is currently under review by the student council of Santa Rosa High School in the Dominican Republic.
S.38, a bill to release death row inmates exonerated by DNA evidence. As the bill is brought to the floor for debate, Senator Jeff Sessions invokes Rule 90, which requires the Senate to first determine whether “debate” is truly possible, or if the very concept of discovery through rational inquiry has been discredited in light of research on the emotional underpinnings of beliefs. The bill is tabled after senators are unable to agree on a logico-linguistic conception of consciousness.
S.30, a bill to give free toys to children undergoing chemotherapy. Senator Jim Inhofe invokes Rule 66-34, which summons the spirits of past senators to assist in filibusters. The grim specters of Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond appear and shriek the shrieks of the damned for three days until the bill is abandoned without a vote.
S.Res. 62, "A Resolution In Support of Canada,” affirming the bond between the United States and its northern neighbor. Senator Orrin Hatch attempts a filibuster, forcing the bill’s supporters to apply Rule 76(b), which allows a simple majority to pass a bill if all its vowels are removed. The new “Rsltn N Spprt F Cnd” passes 51-49, severely damaging US-Canadian relations.
S.288, a bill to correct a typo in the federal criminal code. Upon the bill reaching the floor, Senator Chuck Grassley invokes Sub-clause 103, which dissolves the Senate.
S.77, a bill to provide health care for firefighters injured while carrying people from burning houses. During the floor vote, Senator Mitch McConnell executes a brilliant procedural maneuver in which he announces a filibuster while simultaneously declaring the “Opposite Day” Rule, resulting in the bill’s automatic defeat if its supporters talk. The bill is defeated after a baffled Senator Patrick Leahy asks, “Wait, what?”
S.26, a bill to reduce waste in Medicare claims processing. After two filibuster attempts, the bill passes 67-28. Senator Chuck Schumer congratulates the Senate on passing a bill that “offers real reform for the American people,” inadvertently saying the phrase that triggers Rule 111, activating both the defeat of the bill and a hidden catapult that ejects Senator Schumer out of the Senate chamber and onto the National Mall.
S.188, a bill to reform Senate rules so that a simple majority will pass most bills. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drops the bill out of respect for Senate comity.
SUGGESTED READSList: Things Arlen Specter Could Do in Order to Secure the Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Committee (In Ascending Order of Effectiveness)
by Austin Sidley (12/6/2004)
List: U.S. Senator or Hobbit?
by Abe Kemmis (5/6/2010)
Recent Newspaper Headlines Explained Part One
by Marny Requa (12/1/1998)
RECENTLYThis Week on As the World Tinders
by Chris Brotzman (10/1/2014)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Lovingly Tolerant
by Ali Fitzgerald (10/1/2014)
Monologue: I Am Gary, Your Bed, Bath and Beyond Sherpa
by Jen Winston (10/1/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
My Grading Scale for the Fall Semester, Composed Entirely of Samuel Beckett Quotes
by Matt Bell (8/31/2012)