A Robbery of Three Liberal Arts Graduates:
The Police Report.
BY ELIOT NELSON
At or around 9:10 pm on Monday, January 25th, 2010 on the 1200 block of T Street, three individuals, Mr. Miller, Mr. Wilson-Stern and Mr. Goldstein, all of whom self-identified as male but understand full well that gender exists on a continuum, were arguing over their chore wheel. Mr. Miller left the house in a fit of anger, leaving the door unlocked. Mr. Miller informed the responding officer that he went to donate a winter coat at the local Goodwill to let off steam. Mr. Wilson-Stern and Mr. Goldstein remained inside to Swiffer the kitchen.
At or around 9:15 pm an unidentified black male entered the domicile brandishing a firearm and inquired from Mr. Wilson-Stern where the party was being held. Mr. Wilson-Stern informed Perp One that there was no party, but there was a lovely Ethiopian cultural festival that weekend that would have some amazing kitfo and beautiful habesha kemis on sale.
A second unidentified black male then appeared brandishing a gun, and ordered the two men to get on the ground. Mr. Goldstein inquired whether Perp One and Perp Two were aware of Washington, D.C.’s strict gun control laws and that gun violence is the number one cause of death among young black men.
An unidentified white female, perhaps of Iberian descent, then presented herself, informing Mr. Wilson-Stern and Mr. Goldstein that they talk too much and should “shut the fuck up” if they knew what was best for them. Mr. Wilson-Stern then inquired whether he had met Perp Three at the Vassar alumni luncheon the previous week.
At this time, Mr. Miller reentered the house. He was approached by Perp Three who welcomed him and proceeded to remove a gun from her waistband. Mr. Miller suggested that a rape whistle or some mace might be a safer way to ward off predators and protect Perp Three’s person than a loaded firearm. Perp Two then told Mr. Miller that if he had any sense he’d be smart to put his face on the floor. Mr. Miller then lamented the socioeconomic circumstances that led Perps One, Two and Three to this lot in life and offered to brew some fair trade bancha in hopes of dialoguing about community-based ways to ameliorate their livelihoods. Perp One struck Mr. Miller with the butt of his firearm.
Perp One then informed Mr. Wilson-Stern, Mr. Miller and Mr. Goldstein that if they followed instructions and kept their “bitch” mouths shut that it would be over soon and they could return to having sex with each other. Mr. Wilson-Stern informed Perp One that his assumption of their sexuality was indicative of America’s entrenched heteronormative value system. Mr. Miller then informed Perp One that he was perpetrating society’s patriarchal norms by using the word “bitch.” Mr. Goldstein then asked Perp One to turn the television to The News Hour with Jim Leher.
Perp Two then informed Mr. Wilson-Stern, Mr. Goldstein and Mr. Miller that their “white asses” should listen up and that he and Perp One and Perp Three were going to rob the house and would soon be gone. Mr. Wilson-Stern informed Perp Two that he is, in fact, 1/64th Cherokee and asked whether Perp Two had read Kyama Sozuki’s article on race as a social construct in the Stanford Sociology Review.
Perp Three then demanded to know where Mr. Wilson-Stern, Mr. Miller and Mr. Goldstein kept their valuables. Mr. Wilson-Stern replied that his MacBook Pro was in his backpack under the living room table. Mr. Goldstein replied that his laptop and iPod Touch were on his desk upstairs. Mr. Miller replied that his signed copy of Susan Sontag’s On Photography was laying on the credenza next to the tanzu.
Perp Three then went upstairs to collect the aforementioned items while Perp Two emptied Mr. Goldstein, Mr. Miller and Mr. Wilson-Stern’s pockets. Perp One yelled that they did not know what he was “fucking capable of.” Mr. Miller concurred that Perp One possessed great potential and informed Perp One about a friend who works for Second Beginnings, a non-profit that helps ex-cons find jobs.
Perp Three then returned downstairs and ran out the front door with Perps One and Two. After 30 more seconds, Mr. Miller, Mr. Wilson-Stern and Mr. Goldstein got up and inventoried their home. At or around 9:30 pm Mr. Miller, Mr. Wilson-Stern and Mr. Goldstein called their therapists. At or around 11:25 pm Mr. Goldstein dialed emergency services.
SUGGESTED READSList: Actual Security Incidents at Queen’s University
by Neil Pasricha (10/15/2002)
This is a Bank Robbery
by Jim Stallard (3/11/2010)
A Very Special Home Invasion
by S.H. Carlyle (8/4/2010)
RECENTLYButterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
Alphabetically Organized Relatives: A New Contest from Amy Krouse Rosenthal and McSweeney’s
by McSweeney's Books (11/25/2015)
Doing Science: The Wonkiness of Pure Bloodlines, and Their Unexpected Upsides
by Emily Helliwell (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)