A Stripped-Down, Compromised Draft of the American Jobs Act.
BY ERIC HAGUE
§ 1. The name of this bill is the “American Jobs Act.”
§ 2. Jobs are good.
§ 3. We should do something to make more jobs, preferably sooner rather than later.
§ 4. The best way to create new jobs is [PROVISION REJECTED].
§ 5. During the 2011–2012 fiscal cycle, the federal government will provide economic stimulus in the form of grants and funding to:
a) [PROVISION REJECTED]
b) [PROVISION REJECTED]
c) [PROVISION REJECTED]
d) [PROVISION RE-TO-THE-JECTED]
§ 6. Seriously?
§ 7. [SERIOUSLY]
§ 8. In order to generate the additional revenue necessary to sustain these spending allocations, an additional [ZERO] percent surtax will be levied against [ENTERPRISING CAPITALIST HEROES] receiving annual gross adjusted income in excess of $1,000,000 [WHICH HONESTLY ISN’T ALL THAT MUCH].
§ 9. Come on! We’re talking about the wealthiest one percent of Americans [WHOSE SWIMMING POOLS SHAPED LIKE DOLLAR SIGNS AREN’T GOING TO FILL THEMSELVES WITH CAVIAR].
§ 10. Can’t we at least agree on the necessity of modernizing our nation’s grossly outmoded public schools and community colleges?
§ 11. [NO]
§ 12. [RANDOM PROVISION REJECTED]
§ 13. [WE DIDN’T EVEN READ THIS ONE]
§ 14. What about the six million long-term unemployed Americans whose unemployment benefits are scheduled to run out within the next two months? [JUST SET UP A GIANT BILLBOARD THAT SAYS “HEY! GET A JOB!” ON IT].
§ 15. What about the thousands of municipalities that have had to make a Faustian bargain whereby they trade the present safety and future sustainability of their communities for current savings by laying off educators, police officers, and firefighters? [JUST SET UP A GIANT BILLBOARD THAT SAYS “HEY! DON’T DO MURDERS AND ARSONS! ALSO, READ BOOKS OR SOMETHING” ON IT]
§ 16. Don’t you care at all? [CONSULT § 11]
§ 17. Well, I hope you’re happy. This bill probably won’t save anyone’s job now. [CERTAINLY NOT THE JOB OF THE GUY WHO WROTE IT]
§ 18. Can we at least make a plan to work together on another bill? To put aside all the partisan bickering and put the force of our not inconsiderable experience, talent, and patriotism behind a workable bilateral solution to the unemployment crisis?
§ 19. [SURE]
§ 20. Really?
§ 21. [REALLY]
§ 22. Awesome! Then first thing on Monday morning we can all sit down, put on our compromising hats, and [PROVISION REJECTED].
SUGGESTED READSLittle Housing Crisis on the Prairie
by Susan Schorn (1/7/2009)
I’ve Cooked You a Recession-Friendly Valentine’s Dinner
by Mah Lung Kuen (2/13/2009)
This Recession Is Awesome!
by Lucas Kavner (3/3/2009)
RECENTLYList: Sylvia Plath’s Holiday Cooking Tips
by Arabella Anderson (11/26/2014)
Butterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/26/2014)
List: Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now?
by Tom O'Donnell (11/26/2014)
POPULARWhy You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay
by Julia Drake (11/12/2014)