BY Sean Adams
Well-established performer seeks piano accompanist for upcoming singing tour. The ideal candidate will be classically trained, able to sight-read, and capable of playing with his feet on demand.
Accompanist must supply his own grand piano and grand piano transportation. Accompanist should also be willing to have his grand piano modified and custom-fitted with pyrotechnics so that, when the ominous chord is struck that opens each show, my name will be spelled out in multi-colored flames.
To intimidate any potential hecklers, accompanist should be at least seven feet tall and weigh no less than two hundred sixty pounds. Mysterious facial scars are a HUGE plus, but not required.
When audience members are especially rude and ungracious, the accompanist may be required to remove and eat two to four piano keys without flinching or blinking in order to silence the unruly spectators. Depending on availability of tour funds, I may or may not be able to replace those keys, so the ideal candidate should show discretion when selecting which two to four keys he will consume.
To build intrigue, the accompanist may be billed as an android, caveman, confirmed serial killer who is shortening his prison sentence through a musical community-service program, or all of the above. Therefore, it is necessary for the accompanist to play from music sheets of binary code, create music by striking the keys with an oversized faux-wooden club, and play with ankles and wrists cuffed.
Some of my singing engagements take place late at night, in the homes of strangers, without audiences or music, and may appear to be elaborate art or jewel heists. For engagements like this, the accompanist may be called on to pick locks, crack safes, break windows silently and jump over large, sometimes barb-wire topped fences with me riding piggy-back at all times.
Accompanist must possess a thorough knowledge of the canine psyche in order to tame six to eight guard dogs simultaneously and then retrain them to attack their masters in under two minutes. Ideally, to keep everything music-themed, the taming/re-training would be done with a flute.
Unfortunately, due to an oversight on my part, several shows taking place on the beach will require the accompanist to somehow make a dramatic, death-defying entrance on a jet ski, while simultaneously playing the opening chords to the show. Therefore, the accompanist should be skilled in creative problem solving or supernatural multi-tasking.
For any event where I have advertised a jet ski entry but have spent funds originally allocated to renting said jet skis, the accompanist may be called upon to locate and hot-wire two nearby jet skis. Once again, for theme consistency, a flute, or any other musical instrument, should be used in some way.
If interested in this position, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please attach a picture of yourself and your grand piano, along with any other materials you feel are pertinent to the position, such as your transcripts from music school or proof of diplomatic immunity.
SUGGESTED READSJohn Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences: Concerning, Jon Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive
by John Moe (6/10/2014)
List: Murder Techniques Offered by the Killer-for-Hire in AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap.”
by David Eskola (4/16/2002)
Regarding the Surviving Members of the Grateful Dead and Their Current Taping Policy: A Conversation with the Hippie in the Basement Apartment
by Jim Vallet (12/10/1999)
RECENTLYLost Scenes from Generic Hipster Indie Romance Films Found in 2076 During a Museum Restoration of an Old MacBook Air and Subsequently Adapted for the Stage During Heritage Week at a Camp for 7th and 8th Graders Later That Summer
by Bethany Billman (7/22/2014)
McSweeney’s Quarterly Presents: The Road to 50
by McSweeney's (7/22/2014)
I Like Big Brass and I Cannot Lie: Confessions from the Tuba World: Enough Tuba Talk—Let’s Listen
by Elizabeth Eshelman (7/22/2014)
POPULAROur Band Only Sold One Copy of Our Album and We’d Like it Back
by Jake Tuck (6/26/2014)
List: Lines from The Princess Bride that Double as Comments on Freshman Composition Papers
by Jennifer Simonson (2/23/2012)
Client Feedback On the Creation of the Earth
by Mike Lacher (5/30/2014)