Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives’ Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment.
BY JAMES ERWIN
Burning the flag.
Touching the flag less than 30 minutes after eating.
Picking the flag last for dodgeball.
Staring at the flag’s cleavage.
Assuring the flag that you consider it a really good friend, and then pressuring it to sleep with you.
Sleeping with the flag and not calling the next day.
Sullenly agreeing to meet the flag at the coffee shop and staring into your coffee without talking.
Cutting off the flag’s pleading questions by yelling, “Get a life!”
Calling the flag’s best friend at 3 in the morning to talk about how the flag doesn’t understand you.
Coming within 100 yards of the flag in violation of the restraining order.
SUGGESTED READSA House for Dee Dee
by Christina Nunez (11/19/1999)
List: Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code
by Thomas Hynes (3/20/2006)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What’s New in My Reproductive Area
by Emily Weinstein (9/1/2004)
RECENTLYMy Baby is Sleeping Through the Night and So I Have Transcended Time, Space, and Pain
by Katie Schorr (8/1/2014)
826 Chicago at Pitchfork: Danny Brown Talks Time Travel, Ice Cream, and Eminem
by 826 Chicago (8/1/2014)
Bitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting: Column 53: For the Eye Sees Not Itself
by Susan Schorn (8/1/2014)