Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives’ Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment.
BY JAMES ERWIN
Burning the flag.
Touching the flag less than 30 minutes after eating.
Picking the flag last for dodgeball.
Staring at the flag’s cleavage.
Assuring the flag that you consider it a really good friend, and then pressuring it to sleep with you.
Sleeping with the flag and not calling the next day.
Sullenly agreeing to meet the flag at the coffee shop and staring into your coffee without talking.
Cutting off the flag’s pleading questions by yelling, “Get a life!”
Calling the flag’s best friend at 3 in the morning to talk about how the flag doesn’t understand you.
Coming within 100 yards of the flag in violation of the restraining order.
SUGGESTED READSA House for Dee Dee
by Christina Nunez (11/19/1999)
List: Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code
by Thomas Hynes (3/20/2006)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What’s New in My Reproductive Area
by Emily Weinstein (9/1/2004)
RECENTLYPlease Let Me Put My Disease-Riddled Hands All Over Your Baby!
by Jeremy Blachman (9/15/2014)
Speaking for All Christians Exactly Like Me: Ten Thousand Zombies in Bonnets
by Jordan Jeffers (9/15/2014)
List: Other Things Sheena Easton’s Baby Takes in Addition to the Morning Train
by Gary M. Almeter (9/15/2014)
POPULARA Post Gender Normative Man Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar
by Jesse Eisenberg (12/28/2011)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
Classic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)