[Originally published August 10, 2005.]

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Burning the flag.

Touching the flag less than 30 minutes after eating.

Picking the flag last for dodgeball.

Staring at the flag’s cleavage.

Assuring the flag that you consider it a really good friend, and then pressuring it to sleep with you.

Sleeping with the flag and not calling the next day.

Sullenly agreeing to meet the flag at the coffee shop and staring into your coffee without talking.

Cutting off the flag’s pleading questions by yelling, “Get a life!”

Calling the flag’s best friend at 3 in the morning to talk about how the flag doesn’t understand you.

Coming within 100 yards of the flag in violation of the restraining order.