Airplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants.
BY Wendi Aarons
Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.
Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.
Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.
Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with a Señor Frog’s.
Sweatpants with Dallas Mavericks Logo: Will clog one or more bathrooms.
Stained Yoga Pants: Will be carrying a screaming child.
Stained Gymboree Pants: Will be a screaming child.
Leather Pants: Did not pay for own flight.
Pants with Underwear Sticking Out: Did not pay for own flight.
Jeans with Rhinestones: Will get wasted on tequila and Sprite and graze flight attendant’s boob.
Tight Black Stretch Pants: Will be a pharmaceutical sales rep named Morgan.
Hemp Pants: Will be flying either to or from a city with a yurt resort.
Golf Pants: Will “accidentally” click on a porn link on his laptop.
Camouflage Cargos: Carry-on is a styrofoam cooler sealed with duct tape.
Blue Capris: European on business.
Red Capris: European on holiday.
Plaid Capris: European on way to rehab.
Pink Sweatpants: Will laugh her ass off at the Adam Sandler in-flight movie.
Beige Slacks: Will nervously clutch book about how liberals are destroying America.
Linen Trousers: Will swallow a Xanax and mangle your hand during take-off.
Wide-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a cat.
Thin-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a guitar.
Patched Corduroys: Traveling with a cat named Guitar.
Orange Jumpsuit: Did not pay for own flight.
Skinny Jeans: Will develop deep vein thrombosis.
Swim Trunks: Will be escorted off plane by federal air marshal for doing something gross to the beverage cart.
Creased Jeans: Federal air marshal.
SUGGESTED READSList: Ways In Which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won’t Wrinkle
by Jules Lipoff (5/20/2002)
Skywords! My Article for an In-Flight Magazine
by Rainn Wilson (5/31/2012)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Low-Cut Pants
by Claudia Ginanni (10/4/2004)
RECENTLYBream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews from a Privileged Nine-Year-Old: The Ashram and Mom
by Jesse Eisenberg (12/12/2013)
McSweeney’s Advent Calendar Recommendations!
by McSweeney's (12/12/2013)
Reviews of Self-Help Books by Professional Athletes: Olympian vs. Texas Department of Corrections: A Review of On the Right Track by Marion Jones
by Miles Wray (12/12/2013)
POPULARI Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled
by Melinda Taub (5/18/2011)
Retail Therapy: Inside the Apple Store: It’s a Trap!
by J.K. Appleseed (11/21/2013)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)