Airplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants.
BY WENDI AARONS
[Originally published May 4, 2012.]
Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.
Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.
Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.
Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with a Señor Frog’s.
Sweatpants with Dallas Mavericks Logo: Will clog one or more bathrooms.
Stained Yoga Pants: Will be carrying a screaming child.
Stained Gymboree Pants: Will be a screaming child.
Leather Pants: Did not pay for own flight.
Pants with Underwear Sticking Out: Did not pay for own flight.
Jeans with Rhinestones: Will get wasted on tequila and Sprite and graze flight attendant’s boob.
Tight Black Stretch Pants: Will be a pharmaceutical sales rep named Morgan.
Hemp Pants: Will be flying either to or from a city with a yurt resort.
Golf Pants: Will “accidentally” click on a porn link on his laptop.
Camouflage Cargos: Carry-on is a styrofoam cooler sealed with duct tape.
Blue Capris: European on business.
Red Capris: European on holiday.
Plaid Capris: European on way to rehab.
Pink Sweatpants: Will laugh her ass off at the Adam Sandler in-flight movie.
Beige Slacks: Will nervously clutch book about how liberals are destroying America.
Linen Trousers: Will swallow a Xanax and mangle your hand during take-off.
Wide-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a cat.
Thin-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a guitar.
Patched Corduroys: Traveling with a cat named Guitar.
Orange Jumpsuit: Did not pay for own flight.
Skinny Jeans: Will develop deep vein thrombosis.
Swim Trunks: Will be escorted off plane by federal air marshal for doing something gross to the beverage cart.
Creased Jeans: Federal air marshal.
SUGGESTED READSList: Ways In Which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won’t Wrinkle
by Jules Lipoff (5/20/2002)
Skywords! My Article for an In-Flight Magazine
by Rainn Wilson (5/31/2012)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Low-Cut Pants
by Claudia Ginanni (10/4/2004)
RECENTLYSentient Cloud of Poisonous Gas Seeks Companion
by Sam Shelstad (2/27/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Women Who Shame Catcalling
by Wendy Litner (2/27/2015)
List: Existentialist Quotes for Social Media Platforms
by Jim Sabataso (2/27/2015)
POPULARList: What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)