Aliens With Benefits.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
Amigos, welcome to America! It’s okay, you can come out of hiding—we don’t care that you’re so-called “illegal aliens.” In fact, we love aliens, as long as they’re cute and cuddly, like E.T., or willing to work below minimum wage while being exploited at jobs most Americans won’t touch, like you!
Just because you’re here illegally doesn’t mean we’re withholding your slice of good ol’ American apple pie that you baked under a fast-food franchise’s heat lamp. There’s much controversy about whether you should be insured in our health care system. Well, you can put your mind at ease, after you’ve finished your 16-hour shift, because you’re covered for a host of ailments and preventative care treatments, such as lung-cancer screenings for all those toxic chemicals you’re inhaling in the factories or wherever to ensure that you can continue working until you retire at 85.
And what good is your health if you’re not able to enjoy it in your golden years? That’s why we’re instituting the new 401(k)(ia) plan for illegal aliens. For every cent you put into a pension from your $2.50 hourly wage, the government will take it, invest it, then give the original amount back to you in 40 years so that you don’t lose it—free of charge!
What about dental insurance, you ask? How do free toothbrushes every six months with our dentist’s phone number on them sound? Heck, we’ll even throw in some barely used floss.
A guy in our office also found a pair of backup glasses from eight years ago that just might fit a certain someone’s prescription.
Paying someone to take care of your kids during the day can be prohibitively expensive, so under the Illegal Alien Child Care Bill your children will be legally permitted to work alongside you. Don’t forget to snap a picture of junior’s first time helming the slaughterhouse deboner!
You will receive time off for all our major holidays: Flag Day and New Year’s Half-Hour.
We know you came to the United States for greater opportunity, to escape oppressive regimes, and because our reality shows are great and you should buy the wonderful products advertised in their entertaining commercials. Providing you with benefits is our way of saying, “You’re welcome!” and keeping you just enough above water to encourage your relatives back home to join in the fun and risk their lives crossing the border. In return, we simply ask that you work hard, abstain from bathroom breaks, and agree every election cycle to serve as a scapegoat.
Finally, you’ll receive the greatest benefit of all: a tax rebate (because your income will now be recorded and taxed in the highest bracket—hey, floss doesn’t grow on trees!). To guarantee you’re first in line, end-of-year filing is due January 1. We suggest using New Year’s Half-Hour to complete it.
SUGGESTED READSI Probably Shouldn’t Have Opted For The Cheapest HMO
by Jim Stallard (1/18/2007)
Letters From an Earth Ball, To Or Concerning Sean Hannity: Bummer In The Summer: An Earth Ball Loves, Loses, Loathes
by Ben Greenman (8/19/2009)
Dr. Mario Weighs In on Universal Health Care
by Marco Kaye (3/11/2009)
RECENTLYAnnouncing McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 2015 Column Contest
by McSweeney's (8/28/2015)
Home On the Range: Abortion Control
by Robert Lawrence (8/28/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to 17-Year-Old Boys Who Just Discovered The Doors
by Brad Lawrence (8/28/2015)
POPULARFirst Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo
by Lisa Nikolidakis (8/25/2015)
“Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary
by Emily Uecker (8/6/2015)
Bay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)