Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Almost-Adult Singles’ Grocery Lists.
The Burgeoning Sad Cat Lady
Cat litter, Fancy Feast, Crane Lake Riesling, tampons.
The Dissertation Writer
Café Bustelo, Saltines, 12-pack of PBR, carton of Marlboro Reds.
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, a stick of butter, a carton of Marlboro Reds.
Doritos, Beef Jerky (regular), 12-pack of Sam Adams, what is that? Butterfinger? Yeah, give me one of those. No, two.
The Drunk Burgeoning Sad Cat Lady
Artisanal Doritos, beef jerky (teriyaki), Crane Lake Moscato, the last donut left in the rack, light bulbs.
The Dying Alone, Standard
Frozen chicken fingers, canned peaches, Crane Lake Moscato, condoms,1 two packs of Camel Lights.
The Dying Alone, Fancy
Frozen tamales, Saltines, hummus, Riesling in a blue bottle, Virginia Superslim Lights. No, the purple ones, not the burgundy ones, those are regulars. No, those are menthols. Yes, the purple ones, on the left—those, yes. Thank you.
The Dying Alone,
But at a Much Later Date
Than Those Other Losers
Healthy Choice Turkey & Sweet Potatoes, kale for some reason, 1.5 Liter Barefoot Moscato, and one pack of Virginia Superslim lights—for a friend.
This Party Was Fancy For Adults, But Now It’s Dying and We Have Fifteen Minutes Until the Store Closes
12-pack Sam Adams or whatever, 1.5 liter of that sweet one with the foot on it, a bottle of the red kangaroo one, two packs American Spirit Yellows, 1 pack Virginia Superslim Menthols (No, not the blue ones—those are lights. The green ones. On the right. No… Yes, those. Thank you.), two packs Camel Lights, 1 pack Virginia Superslim Purp… you know what, just give me one more of the Camel Lights. Thanks. And this gum.
1 Optional, but wholly unnecessary.
SUGGESTED READSHow to Remember Names and Faces, Part 3: A Shopping List A Woman Can’t Forget
by Robert H. Nutt (1/31/2002)
List: Meta Grocery List
by Chris Vander Kaay and Kathleen Fernandez-Vander Kaay (7/31/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self
by Mike Jones (11/15/2004)
RECENTLYShut Up About the Menopause Already, Chad
by Leah Hampton (8/31/2015)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Lose Sight of the Shore
by Ali Fitzgerald (8/31/2015)
List: Best Beards of Modernity: Five Hairy Haikus
by Nathan Patton (8/31/2015)
POPULARFirst Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo
by Lisa Nikolidakis (8/25/2015)
“Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary
by Emily Uecker (8/6/2015)
Donald Trump, Through the Ages
by John Flowers (8/13/2015)