• A monthly planner to schedule faculty meetings, office hours, and service to the university
  • Compensation for faculty meetings, office hours, and service to the university
  • A refund on my advanced degree in English literature
  • An advanced degree in anything but English literature
  • A way to explain the plight of the adjunct in 300 words or less
  • An alternative career path besides SAT Tutor or day-shift stripper
  • A reason to set up a “Go Fund Me” account
  • Recognition in the department newsletter for my recent publications
  • A recent publication
  • A way to control spontaneous outbursts of crying that happen while grading every Tuesday night
  • A Netflix subscription to watch reruns of Frasier on-demand
  • My students to stop showing up on my Tinder
  • Permission to use the Kona coffee K-Cups purchased only for full-time faculty and administrative staff
  • A way to go back five minutes in time and prevent myself from realizing that my students have probably seen me on Tinder too
  • Pens