Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to firstname.lastname@example.org.
An Emerging Adult’s Plea for Sanity.
You guys, can you just listen for like a second? I have something to say. This year let’s try really hard to only fight about actual important stuff. We are a year older and a year smarter. We aren’t little baby freshmen running around like chickens anymore; we are sophomores. I feel really silly sayings this, but I seriously can’t even remember how some of our fights from last year got started.
Like, for instance, I didn’t talk to Hannah for four-and-a-half months last year. I have no idea why I was so mad at her. And it’s okay now because we are best friends again, and she totally forgave me for spray painting HAIRY BUSH on her locker. And I forgave her for tricking me into eating dog poop and telling me it was brownies. But seriously, how did that fight start? I don’t even remember. And maybe it’s okay to fight about silly stupid things when it’s your first year in high school. But we are like a lot more mature this year.
Do you guys remember that huge blowout fight I had with Madison, where for some reason I told the school counselor that she brought a gun to school and then I planted that gun on her? It’s fine now because she has been cleared of all charges. But still I feel sooooo bad, and I can’t even remember why I did that. Obviously, it wasn’t that important to me. How juvenile, right?
So, let’s act like the grown ups we are this year, and really only start a fight when you feel like it’s warranted. Like, last year when Brianna killed my golden retriever, Denver, and left the dead body on my front door step. You guys, I swear that fight got started because we both had the same pair of off-white cargo shorts. They weren’t even full pants. That’s something junior high schoolers get mad about.
And I am trying really hard too, so don’t think I am not blaming myself. Two days ago Phoenix didn’t wait for me after school, and I had to get a ride home from my gross brother. I was super pissed, and I was planning on going over to her house that night and cutting the brake lines of her mom’s car. I had the wire cutters ready and everything. But, I slept on it that night, and realized it just wasn’t worth it because sometimes people forget to pick up other people even though they promised. So, I just posted her phone number on craigslist as someone with an eyeball fetish. I feel like I acted like a real adult in that situation.
So, with all that said. Can you please fess up and tell me who stole my dad’s identity? We might have to sell our house if his credit doesn’t get cleared up, and I really don’t want to change schools because I would miss you guys so much.
SUGGESTED READSThe Pretentious 17-Year-Old’s Guide To Dating
by Jeff Barnosky (1/19/2006)
The Most Radical, Bitchin’, Totally Awesome Retro Prom Ever!
by Teddy Wayne (4/16/2010)
List: Tenth-Graders’ Favorite Suggestive Terms From Geometry
by Mark Amundsen (10/22/2008)
RECENTLYCV of Personal Failures
by Casey Kait (5/24/2016)
List: Things About Bathrooms Actually Worth Getting Upset Over
by Annie Logue, Cynthia Smith McCollum and Stephany Aulenback (5/24/2016)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (5/24/2016)
POPULARI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
List: Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)