Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Go ahead, take whatever you want. I won’t try to stop you.
Utilize those party shots with the awkward, uniform smiles. Do what you can with the pictures of casserole that not even Instagram could manage to make enticing. Use my poorly scanned baby photos. The first time I wrote with a crayon really was quite a remarkable event; I have no problem sharing it with millions of people.
Feel free to use my exciting trip to a taco stand at Far Rockaway in any way you’d like. It might actually be nice to get those pictures out there a bit more. I was looking pretty good in June. My hair was shiny.
Do whatever you’d like with the string of badly executed self-indulgent autumn of 2010 status updates. It was a confusing time for me, as everyone now knows. I recommend splicing them with some more recent updates to get a more rounded version of who I am.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I could actually be a helpful marketing tool for you. I am actually quite interesting. In a very real way. It could be good for both of us.
Please, disseminate the photos of me in my bikini jumping joyfully into the air for no other reason than I wanted to show a core group of acquaintances how flat my stomach looked that day. Use the outtakes too, even the one where my face is contorted and my stomach is bunched up. I don’t care. If it makes one person happy it will be worth it.
It really is a shame that my occasional spurt of brilliance is limited to a mere 382 friends and the 50 or so other people who I keep around just so that someday, when I am doing really well, they’ll look at my Facebook and think, Jeez, that Jessica is doing really well!
Things, as you’ve probably noticed, are getting a little boring round here. I haven’t been creating much content for you to take, other than the occasional political link or YouTube video. I’m starting to think that your sharing me with the world could really bring me out of my funk. Shine my hair up a bit.
In short, there is a life below my status updates. So I beg you, Facebook, please make me more interesting to more people. Mine me for content. Really get in there. If anyone can do it, it is you.
SUGGESTED READSThe Unedited Version of The Social Network Movie Poster
by Seth Reiss (10/12/2010)
List: Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend
by Scott A. Harris (7/31/2009)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Facebook
by Delaney Mes (1/25/2010)
RECENTLYBefore You Avenge Your Father’s Death, Please Leave a Positive Yelp Review for My Secret Dojo
by Kenny Murphy (4/29/2016)
Women Who Should Be Pretty Pissed Off: Mary Blandy: The O.J. Simpson of the 18th Century
by Amy Watkin (4/29/2016)
List: Showing Them How It Feels: A TA Evaluates His Students
by Andy Holt (4/29/2016)
POPULARList: Titles of Bach Chorales, as Translated By My Niece After One Semester of German
by Nolan Bonvouloir (4/15/2016)
How to Negotiate a Raise (If You’re a Woman)
by Maura Quint (4/15/2016)
Here Are the Times I Am Typically Free to Meet
by Joe Saunders (4/18/2016)