Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to email@example.com.
An Open Letter to Friends and Family Regarding Inquiries About My Reproductive Plans.
Dear Friends and Family,
Thank you for your interest in my reproductive plans. Before submitting your inquiry, please read the submission guidelines below.
Please do not include links to articles regarding age-related loss of fertility. Any queries containing such links will be deleted immediately. The same goes for queries with anecdotes about couples you know that are having trouble conceiving “because they waited too long” who are now consumed with regret that they didn’t have children sooner.
TIMING AND FREQUENCY OF INQUIRIES
Please wait until I’ve responded to your first inquiry before submitting a second, third, or fourth. Also, please limit inquiries regarding my reproductive plans to a maximum of one per quarter.
Please do not simultaneously submit the same inquiry regarding our reproductive plans to both me and my husband. This could confuse us and if you confuse us, we may accidentally delete your query without responding to it and then we will laugh manically and sleep the peaceful, uninterrupted sleep of the childless.
RESPONSE TIME AND TONE
Response time ranges from three seconds to never and is influenced by factors such as the volume of reproduction-related queries received, whether the inquiry is excessively irritating (see Content section above), and my mood. Please note that the tone of my response, if you receive one at all, may vary from genuinely introspective to deeply sarcastic.
If, after having read these guidelines, you still wish to submit an inquiry regarding my reproductive plans, please e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org. Please, no telephone inquiries.
SUGGESTED READSThough I Can’t Be Certain, I Suspect That This Hollywood Actress I’m Interviewing May Be Entertaining Thoughts of Having Sex With Me
by Jake Tapper (1/6/1999)
A Report on the Habits of the Sexually Ravenous Single Women of New York, Who Also Have Jobs
by Neal Pollack (9/18/2000)
by Alysia Gray Painter (4/3/2001)
RECENTLYTake The Challenge
by Sarah Rosenshine (1/30/2015)
Monologue: I’m the Cool Wife In a Snack Dip Commercial
by Mike Lacher (1/30/2015)
List: Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both the Super Bowl and a Superb Owl
by Michael Ward (1/30/2015)
POPULARJamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
Product Review: The Invisible Backpack of White Privilege from L.L. Bean
by Joyce Miller (12/31/2014)