[Originally published December 2, 2011.]

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Dear Friends and Family,
Thank you for your interest in my reproductive plans. Before submitting your inquiry, please read the submission guidelines below.


Please do not include links to articles regarding age-related loss of fertility. Any queries containing such links will be deleted immediately. The same goes for queries with anecdotes about couples you know that are having trouble conceiving “because they waited too long” who are now consumed with regret that they didn’t have children sooner.


Please wait until I’ve responded to your first inquiry before submitting a second, third, or fourth. Also, please limit inquiries regarding my reproductive plans to a maximum of one per quarter.


Please do not simultaneously submit the same inquiry regarding our reproductive plans to both me and my husband. This could confuse us and if you confuse us, we may accidentally delete your query without responding to it and then we will laugh manically and sleep the peaceful, uninterrupted sleep of the childless.


Response time ranges from three seconds to never and is influenced by factors such as the volume of reproduction-related queries received, whether the inquiry is excessively irritating (see Content section above), and my mood. Please note that the tone of my response, if you receive one at all, may vary from genuinely introspective to deeply sarcastic.
If, after having read these guidelines, you still wish to submit an inquiry regarding my reproductive plans, please e-mail: yourbabyplans@annoyingplayedoutqueries.com. Please, no telephone inquiries.
— Karen