Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.
An Open Letter to Parkay.
Dear Parkay Inc.,
Forgive my frankness, but I think margarine is swill. It is both bland and joyless. If, say, margarine were a high school student, it would be the manager of the junior-varsity water-polo team. It would have a wispy black goatee, do a lot of secret cape-wearing, and have elaborate and multi-sensory masturbation rituals. I’m sure you know the type. Margarine is at the end of its rope, no kidding. So this is what I propose: Bargarine. Butter + margarine. Think about it. Butter has so much more versatility — in cooking, and… well, let’s face it, butter just fucking rocks. Remember that product that combined peanut butter and jelly in one jar? Goober? Do they still sell that? It dominated, if memory serves me. I think the commercial version of Bargarine should be structured in a similar manner, with butter and margarine swirled together in one tub. I firmly believe that this product will, to put it bluntly, rape the diary marketplace with its awesomeness.
My early test-tubs of Bargarine were primitive (constructed mostly by cramming a stick of butter into the middle of a margarine tub), but I have a feeling that your sophisticated machinery and churning talents can fully actualize the potential of this idea. You may purchase the brand name and idea of Bargarine from me for a mere 6,000,000 USD. Be aware that, as a precaution, I have also trademarked the names Mutter, Mutterine, Butterine, and This is too Goddamn Good for Words. My attorneys’ names are Greg and Todd.
CC: American Dairy Association
SUGGESTED READSDiversity In the News: Column 2: Kwatchoo Call Corn
by Ellen Ferguson (11/2/2010)
List: Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars
by J.D. Lewis (1/28/2004)
Monologue: A Ketchup Company Executive Would Like to Clarify the Conversation He Had With His Fellow Co-workers About Blowing Up Their Rival’s Ketchup Factory
by Seth Reiss (10/26/2010)
RECENTLYWilliam Blake, Color Analyst for the Atlanta Braves
by Walter Jones (9/17/2014)
A Story from John Warner’s New Collection, Tough Day for the Army
by John Warner (9/17/2014)
Testomania: Did You Go to One of the Best Schools in the World?
by Janet Manley (9/17/2014)
POPULARClassic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)