Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to email@example.com.
An Open Letter to the City and County Inspector Who Fined Me $500 Even Though the Weeds in My Front Lawn Were Well Under the 6” Regulation Height.
Dear City and County Inspector —
May your own lawn
grow a hundred beanstalks
May God post a notice
on the back of your eyelids
and leave a phone number
to which no human voice
will ever answer.
May you trim the earth with your teeth.
May the roots we pull connect
on the other end to your silky cuticles
and each time we tug
at dandelion weed
may it rip at your tender fingernail beds.
May the rains come early
and a flood of tumble weeds
roll across your chest while you sleep.
May the water for your golf course
dry up like the abyss of your crusted
and rusty heart.
May you be forced to replant the seeds
of the Sioux and Ojibwe, forced
to bear prayer to Russian Sage
and Native Sedum Lanceolatum.
May the ghosts of thick vines haunt you,
wrap themselves around
your white sleeved wrists,
tie you to your desk chair.
May a rose bush, 6” tall, grow
from your nostrils,
so in the future
there will be no mistakes.
SUGGESTED READSThings I Did in Denver, Part Two
by Neal Pollack (7/13/2000)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Impatient Commuters of the Greater Denver Metro Area
by Aubin Fefley (5/4/2012)
How Grand Is My Garden: The New Job Aptitude Test
by Nick Starr (12/20/2002)
RECENTLYWe Provide Meals That are Completely Unaffordable and Unappealing to People Who Actually Live in This Neighborhood
by Pablo Goldstein (8/22/2014)
Testomania: How is Your Love Life?
by Janet Manley (8/22/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Passing Motorist Who Suggested I Take a Photograph of His Dick
by Cirrus Robert Wood (8/22/2014)
POPULARAirplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants
by Wendi Aarons (5/4/2012)
Hello Stranger On the Street, Could You Please Tell Me How to Take Care of My Baby?
by Wendy Molyneux (8/16/2012)
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)