Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to email@example.com.
An Open Letter
to the Job Market.
Dear Job Market,
I don’t want to be a designer, a marketer, an illustrator, a brander, a social media consultant, a multi-platform guru, an interface wizard, a writer of copy, a technological assistant, a personal assistant, most any kind of assistant, a data calculator, an aesthetic king, a profit-maximizer, a bottom-line analyzer, a meme generator, a hit tracker, a re-poster, a sponsored blogger, a starred commentator, an online retailer, a viral relayer, a handle, a font or a page. I don’t want to be linked-in, tuned-in, “liked,” incorporated, listed, or programmed. I don’t want to be a brand, a representative, or an ambassador. I don’t want to be your special candidate, your human resource, or a coin in your bank of human capital. I don’t want to be an entrepreneur of myself.
Don’t listen to the competitors, the magazines, the newspapers, the founders, the pundits, the editors, the forecasters, the researchers, the career counselors, the prime minister, your haughty GDP brother, and whatever it is all these people call “the economy”. Step outside the box that asks for workers who “think outside the box”!
I want to be a lover, a wanderer, a parabolic teacher, an assembler of words, a sculptor of the immaterial, a maker of instruments, a Socratic philosopher, and an erratic muse. I want to be a community center, a piece of art, a wonky cursive script and an old-growth tree! I want to be a disrupter, a creator, an apocalyptic visionary, a master of reconfiguration, a hypocritical parent, an illegal download and a choose-your-own-adventure! I want to be a renegade agitator! A licker of ice cream! An organizer of mischief! A released charge! A double jump on the trampoline! An old beachcomber! A wayward youth!
I want to be a curator of myself, an anti-preneur!
But I also need money. So please post these jobs, instead of the other ones.
And stop it with the unpaid internships.
Underemployed Graduate Student in the Social Sciences
SUGGESTED READSJob Hunt: Day 27
by Jon Fitch (12/7/2004)
Orations of a Pre-Postcolonial Oompa Loompa to His Revolutionary Brothers in Arms
by Marissa Medansky (9/3/2010)
Keeping It in the Family (“It” Being Work): A One-Part Series on America’s Least-Worrisome Instances of Nepotism
by William Ham (2/29/2000)
RECENTLYCat Performance Review
by Kendra Eash (9/18/2014)
An Excerpt from Cabinet Magazine, in Honor of the McSweeney’s/Cabinet Combo Subscription
by Katherine Hunt (9/18/2014)
826 Chicago at Pitchfork: Twin Peaks Talks Breaking a Leg, Blu-rays and, Band Advice
by 826 Chicago (9/18/2014)
POPULARClassic Movies Changed to Not Be Sexist
by Blythe Roberson (8/14/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)