Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.
An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game Paperboy.
BY LEON FERRI
I am writing to apologize for causing damage to your property on “Tuesday,” when the newspapers I was attempting to deliver accidentally broke two of your windows, overturned your garbage cans, and, most despicably, unearthed a gravestone in your front lawn. The extremely hazardous and fast-paced sidewalk of the street you live on made my adrenaline jolt, and I had no choice but to pedal away, narrowly avoiding a tornado, the Grim Reaper, and that break dancer who hangs around your house. I’m not sure if he’s identified himself as a witness to the vandalism yet, but regardless, I am sorry. I suppose I simply do not know the strength of my forearm. Please feel free to write back if you require monetary reimbursement or any other assistance of mine. Also, if you see me pedal by during my route tomorrow morning, resist the urge to run out of your front door brandishing a butcher knife. It would really help out my stress level. Perhaps sometime in the future I will manage to deliver the paper to every subscriber on the block, and you might consider resubscribing to our outstanding newspaper. Once again, I deeply apologize.
SUGGESTED READSList: Common Enemies of the Paperboy, According to the Nintendo Game of the Same Name
by Maggie Utgoff (4/14/2006)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Baseball’s Bill Madlock
by Eric Silver (2/10/2004)
Expert Help for Your Fantasy Baseball Franchise: Irrefutable Roster of Characters From Classic Nintendo Games
by Rick Paulas (3/9/2006)
RECENTLYA Brief Disclaimer Regarding the Think Piece You’re About to Read
by Maura Quint (5/4/2016)
How to Be a Better Teacher-Person Through Apathy: On the Hierarchy of English Professors, a Nomenclature: Scholar-Type, Teacher-Type, Artist-Type
by John Minichillo (5/4/2016)
List: Breaking Beyond the 4th Wall
by Marco Kaye (5/4/2016)
POPULARList: Titles of Bach Chorales, as Translated By My Niece After One Semester of German
by Nolan Bonvouloir (4/15/2016)
I Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
How to Negotiate a Raise (If You’re a Woman)
by Maura Quint (4/15/2016)