Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to email@example.com.
An Open Letter to the Whites of Jim Lehrer’s Eyes.
BY BEN SKOCH
Where’d you guys go? Granted, I’ve seen some folks with fiercely dilated pupils before, but assuming that the rest of Mr. Lehrer’s body isn’t constantly booked on the 24/7 Psilocybin Dreambus (although with PBS you never know, really—I’ve heard that the Nova dudes like to party), I seriously doubt that the cause here is similar.
Was it always like this? Perhaps you were swallowed, over time, by an increasingly aggressive push from the irises? Or maybe you had to be sacrificed for the acquisition of Jim’s superhuman ability to peer directly into presidential candidates’ souls (apparently Rather is real jealous about this. Frankly, I think he should be content with his Brain Ray).
At any rate, I would suggest maybe getting back into the game a little. You don’t necessarily need to make any sudden moves, maybe flatter the pupils a little, you know, just amble back towards the center all subtle-like. Also I’ve heard that moving from a really dark room into a bright one works too. Or looking at a flashlight? I really don’t know. I’ve never been much of a science person.
Basically I guess the bottom line is that I’ve recently seen my little sister playing “NewsHour” in our basement with her hamster and a cardboard box (she used to have a little turtle that was Bob MacNeil, it was cute). Now, I’m not necessarily saying that Jim Lehrer looks like a hamster, here, but I think you guys can figure out the implication, which is not too flattering really. I trust that you will make the right decision.
SUGGESTED READSPledge Drive Postmortem
by judy b. (4/28/2010)
List: If Medical Conditions Were Like Masterpiece Theater and Sporting Venues
by T.G. Gibbon (1/31/2000)
Selected Transcripts from Antiques Roadshow 2025
by Craig Klein (10/7/2009)
RECENTLYHere at Cline Family Country Cabin, We Do Things a Little Differently
by Jeremiah Tucker (10/31/2014)
Facepalm Pilot — Vijith Assar Explores Intersections of Technology and Stupidity: Are Zombies Racist?
by Vijith Assar (10/31/2014)
List: Things a Real Estate Agent Shouldn’t Say When Trying to Sell a House That Was Once at the Center of a Popular Horror Movie
by Kerreanna DiMauro (10/31/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Security Questions for Single, Childless People
by Shannon Reed (10/3/2014)
List: Boat Parts or Names of Unvaccinated Children?
by Grant Pardee (10/6/2014)