Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Send your nonfictional open letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.
An Open Letter to William Kristol, Richard Perle, and President Bush’s Other Neoconservative Puppetmasters.
BY JOHN WARNER
Dear Bill, Dick, et al:
Why didn’t you tell President Bush to invade Western Australia first?
I’ve been playing Risk: The Game of Global Domination since I was eight years old and never, never have I seen someone win the game by massing their forces in the Middle East at the beginning of the game. Too many borders! Impossible to reinforce! Enemies from all directions! Australia, on the other hand, is easily conquered. Start in Western Australia, make a straight-line march through eastern Australia, then on into New Zealand and New Guinea, and finally up to Siam, sealing the entire continent and guaranteeing an extra two armies per turn for the duration of game. (Ask Secretary Rumsfeld if those would come in handy.) Once in Siam, you can leave the remainder of your provinces virtually unguarded and mass your armies of the Far East to eventually move north into Siberia, Irkutsk and Kamchatka, ultimately overtaking the entire Asian continent (seven extra armies per turn), including, finally, the Middle East.
Starting in South America is okay, too, if your brat cousin Ronald refuses to play if he doesn’t get to go first, and Africa will do in a pinch if you want to change things up, but you better roll some sixes, mutherfuckers, or you’ll be knocked out of the game, which means you’re available to do stuff like pick up the dog crap in the backyard, or wax your grandfather’s back, “since you’re just watching.” (Thanks, Mom.)
I hear that, after watching President Bush’s press conference, Mr. Kristol was “depressed.” If he was depressed, think about the rest of us, who weren’t part of the shadowy extra-governmental cabal that helped install him in the White House in the first place.
The history books will write your epitaphs and they won’t be pretty: “Neoconservatives: A late-twentieth-, early-twenty-first-century American political movement that stressed the supremacy of the American empire, but was too stupid to invade Australia first.”
Think it over,
SUGGESTED READSPolitical Cartoon
by Paul Maliszewski (7/27/2000)
Understanding the Official Soundtrack of the Republican National Convention
by Brad Kloza (8/22/2000)
FAQ: The Inauguration Of George W. Bush
by Neal Pollack (1/22/2001)
RECENTLYHonest Subway Announcements
by Dan Amira (5/1/2015)
A Day at the Nice Guy Races
by Trevor Shikaze (5/1/2015)
Field Notes from Gentrified Places: Home to Flatbush
by Vinson Cunningham (5/1/2015)